Why Mark McGwire shouldn't be in the Hall...

So, you're not going to be voting for Mark McGwire because of what he may or may not have done. That's fantastic. I understand that you said if more information comes out you're less inclined to vote for him. This is great, if sloppy reasoning is a great reason to keep someone out of the Hall of Fame.

Some Hall of Fame voters are talking about not voting for Mark McGwire due to the revelations in Jose Canseco’s new book. There seems to be two main points why they are saying he shouldn’t be in the Hall: He’s a cheater and cheaters should not be enshrined and what he did was illegal and wrong (which is similar to the first argument but its still being said in a different context).

In the following, I will present arguments to refute the claims put forward by these sportswriters. For full disclosure, I should mention that I am a huge Mark McGwire fan, I adopted the number 25 as my own number because of him and I have contemplated naming my first child Mcgwire. All that being said, here it goes…

1. He’s a cheater and cheaters shouldn’t be in the Hall of Fame…

So, you wouldn't have voted for Don Drysdale, Gaylord Perry, Babe Ruth or Ty Cobb to be enshrined in the Hall of Fame? Whether they knew it or not, all of these players bent the rules in their favor. Drysdale and Perry were known to doctor the ball so well, Drake Ramoray couldn’t bring it back to life. Babe Ruth used a laminated bat, which was, and is, illegal. Ty Cobb was known to sharpen his spikes and go “spikes up” when he went into second base. But apparently, these “cheaters” are good enough for the Hall. We’re just really selective on which “cheaters” are allowed in.

We can't have anyone who had a competitive advantage over anyone else, can we? I believe some Hall of Famers used contacts and glasses to be able to see the ball. If they hadn't used those, they wouldn't be there. Those men sound like “cheaters” to me. Get them out!

What about Tommy John surgery? I believe that anyone who had Tommy John surgery shouldn't be in the Hall, because players of yesteryear may have been better had they had the medicine we have today. Wait, why stop at Tommy John surgery? If anyone had any sort of medical procedure that was unavailable to players at the turn of the century, they shouldn't be allowed in. Yes, that should be one of the prerequisites for the Hall.

So, the Hall is filled with “cheaters” and people who used “modern medicine” to improve their ability to play baseball. What makes them different from Mr. McGwire? It doesn’t make any sense.

2. What he did was illegal and wrong…

Now, let's take it a step further. Even though there were no rules against steroids at the time in MLB (before you bring US regulations in this, there are plenty of "laws" that are broken everyday by everyone, so that's not an accurate argument. If you’re saying someone who gets a speeding ticket shouldn’t be admitted to the Hall, you’re an idiot, but at least you’re a consistent idiot) we're going to hang him for this?

Play along for a second; let's say they make wearing batting gloves illegal this year, because it offers the batter too much advantage. Now, everyone who has ever worn a batting glove, though it was perfectly legal at the time, has all their records banned, because of what is illegal now. Does that make sense to you? That's essentially the argument you're making!

It's like on the episode of the Simpson's with Stampy, Bart's elephant. The prices were originally $1 to see the elephant and $2 to ride it. Then, Homer jacked up the prices to $100 to see it and $200 to ride it, when he found he couldn't afford to feed it.

Homer: Uh, Milhouse saw the elephant twice and rode him once, right?
Mrs. Van Houten: Yes, but we paid you $4.
Homer: Well, that was under our old price structure. Under our new price structure, your bill comes to a total of $700. Now, you've already paid me $4, so that's just $696 more that you owe me.
Mr. Van Houten: Get off our property.

Does that argument make sense to you? Are you the Homer Simpson of sportswriters on this issue? I hope not.

Because McGwire has garnered our respect and deserves to be enshrined in the Hall, regardless of his "cheating". Even if he did do steroids, they were not illegal and, even if they were, the Hall is filled with "cheaters". I don’t see any harm in adding one more, who redefined the game and saved it from the disgrace it became after the strike.

Apprentice IV

Did anyone else see the size of the hoops on Audrey’s earrings in the beginning? I think we all know what that means! I’m just sayin’…

Words I was praying to God I would hear soon “Let’s make this vegetable porno the best vegetable porno we can possibly make, with a gay twist.” Thank you Michael, for making one man’s dream into a reality. Ahhh…good, clean, fun, gay-related humor.

“I do everything myself because I know when I do things myself, they turn out a lot better.” Hmmm…inflated ego…check. Overbearing sense of self-worth…check. Words that you’re going to come back and regret saying…check.

I think a special shout needs to go out to the actress who bitched out Cher. Seriously. Way to try to extend your 15 minutes of fame by ripping on the people who picked you to be on the commercial. Do you think her “agent” had her doe this? And by agent, I of course mean the man who hangs out by the 7/11 with no pants on, yelling obscenities at the pigeons. I think her career arc is about at the peak right now.

Not happy…population: Audrey. Smoking hot…population: Audrey. Nothing like a pissed off hot girl to drive ratings. I’m going to own this fact. I like Audrey more and more each time she opens her mouth. She’s blunt, like a kitchen knife. Spicy.

“You both sucked.” Nice. You gotta like that. At least he didn’t pick one of the teams to be the winner. “You both sucked, but in another, more accurate way, Magna sucked more”. They were both awful. I think we could have had third graders make a better commercial.

“Hi, my name’s Tana. Please attach a saddle to my back and ride me in a race. It’s what I am bred to do.”

Just because you multi-task and do a whole bunch of things crappy, doesn’t mean you should bring up how good you are at multi-tasking. I can juggle knives while walking and chewing gum, just not very well.

Audrey kicked so many asses in the boardroom. That was awesome. She was like Will Clark in there. The strong silent type, until you need to make the point, and then you start ripping it up and keeping everyone in line. Fantastic.

My prediction for a winner after week 4: Still Kendra. I am officially on the Audrey bandwagon though and I would like to subscribe to her newsletter.

Aimlessness II...

Do you think your brain explodes in outer space? I was always under the impression that the brain imploded, due to the crushing pressure. I always picture it like someone crushing an aluminum can. That would be your brain when it gets to space. That's something I picture all the time. Something else I picture all the time is if everything on land and everything in the sea switched places. So, all the sudden, gorillas are the sharks and the sharks are the people. And Shamu would get all the ladies and he'd probably drive a hummer H2 and go fishing off the side of his huge boat, trying to catch a squirrel big enough to take home and grill up for his babies, because he mated with an octopus named Thelma, who is a beast of a woman but she can build a cake with the best of them. But I haven’t sorted it all out yet.

A few nights ago, someone brought E-Dub to a party. But they said "I had to settle for Evan Williams." Settle? Settle!?!? Did God "settle" for Moses? Hell no! He went out, picked out the best firkin’ prophet out there and made that bearded mofo part the damn Red Sea!! Same thing with Evan Williams. Kentucky went out, got the best damn liquor you can make, bottled that sucker up and undersold that overpriced, over-hyped Jack Daniels. And that's the truth!! You can put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Just because: Phil Krnjeu

Ahhh...Evan Williams and Vicodin aka "The Brett Favre Special". Spicy. I heard Favre was popping Vicodin like they were astronaut ice cream. Since you were talking about astronaut ice cream I want to throw in my two cents; it pretty much rules all, but why is it all Neapolitan? Are they trying to make us believe that all astronauts like all three flavors and none of them like just one? Or do they share and swap? I can't believe that they all like the same though. Maybe that's one of the requirements to being an astronaut, right after being 5'5" but before having a super inflated ego. But what do I know?

Did you see the Huskers recruiting class? Seems Callahan can do something right, besides alienating an entire Super Bowl team and one of the most loyal college football fan bases in the country. The Huskers should be a ton better this year. Callahan needs to bench Dailey. They can't have him playing QB again. Try to move him to receiver if you want him out there or possibly designated" trick play holder" for field goals and extra points. Wouldn't that be great if a team did have a dedicated “trick play holder”? But the other teams never notice, and every time he comes out, there's a fake. "Man, they did a fake again! I don't believe it! How can we tell? They're too good!!" Spicy. The RB they signed looks awesome. Hopefully he won't go and rape someone now. Same with the rest of the recruits in general. That should be the first lecture. "Scoring TD's = good. Raping girls = bad. Any questions?"

Might as well: David Shuler

Timberwolves III - How to Fix the Season

As we’ve all noticed, the Timberwolves have fallen below .500. How did this happen? How can a team who had one of the best records in the NBA last year, who returned the same team (less Gary “Pornstache” Trent), be so below average this year? I don’t think it’s really that difficult to see why they are doing as bad as they are, the question is…are they doing to do anything to fix it?

There are three main reasons the Timberwolves have fallen off this year: Michael Olowokandi, position chemistry, and the downward spiral of Sam Cassell. There is a corrective measure that can be taken to fix each of these problems, if Flip and McHale would just realize it. This is still a team capable of moving into the Finals this year. All they have to do is make a couple of moves.

Problem 1: Michael Olowokandi He is a cancer. I feel like Peter, spreading the gospel to anyone who will listen. I’ve been convinced of this since halfway through last season. A fun little game to play is to see which Kandi has more of, passes or fouls. Amazing.

Solution 1: They have to get rid of Kandi. Much like cancer, he is spreading his negative attitude and lackadaisical play to the rest of the team. They need to lop him off before he affects anyone else. Trade him. For anything. For nothing. It doesn’t matter! If someone offers you a dollar off a Big Beef Burrito from Taco Bell coupon, jump at the opportunity. If the worst comes to be, you need to cut him. Take the salary cap hit. Then, go and sign someone who is willing to play defense and rebound (and was acquitted of manslaughter) for the veteran minimum. Hell, put Ebi out there in Kandi’s spot. All I can do is hope and pray that Kandi goes Artest on someone and fixes the problem himself. Because I don’t think McHale is going to do anything about him.

Problem 2: Position Chemistry This has been a problem since Wally came back. Flip is putting too many “scorers” out there. And by “scorers”, I obviously mean people who only want to shoot the ball, not play defense at all and only care what their final stats look like (Yeah, I’m looking at you Cassell and Sprewell). Flip is not mixing in his role players like he did last year.

Solution 2: They need to keep a consistent mix of defenders and offensive players on the floor at all times. If this means not playing someone with a big ego (we’ll get to you in a second Cassell), then don’t play them. You’re paying them either way. Just putting the big money guys in the line-up does not produce wins. Here is the starting line-up I would use:

PG: Anthony Carter
SG: Latrell Sprewell
SF: Wally Szerbiak
PF: Kevin Garnett
C: Ervin Johnson

You have three scorers out there, plus two excellent defenders. You have Johnson out there, who doesn’t bring anything to the table but at least he doesn’t steal anything from it.

For substitutes, you need to keep a good defensive balance. Madsen and John Thomas are the subs for Ervin. All three of them are interchangeable, though I’d start Madsen if he weren’t hurt. At all times, you must have 2 of these 4 on the floor: KG, AC, Eddie Griffin and Trenton Hassell. When KG is taken out, you need to have all three in. Troy Hudson will be the first sub off the bench for AC and Cassell is demoted to third string. Hoiberg also comes in for Spree as a change of pace guy, who can D up a bit. All of this eliminates the selfishness and makes sure that we have enough people on the floor that can play defense. It will work.

Problem 3: The Downward Spiral of Sam Cassell How did he fall so far, so fast. Not since Ben Affleck went from Goodwill Hunting to Gigli, has someone dropped so miserably. Sam could never play defense, which was always fine in the past. He made up for it with his scoring and playmaking ability. But now he has become a below average shooter. Sure, he can still light it up, but the 10 point nights are becoming more common than the 23 point nights. And 10 points with no defense is not good enough to start in the NBA.

Solution 3: Bench Sam Cassell. Put him as your third sting. Trade him if someone still believes he has something in the tank. He has nothing left to offer this team, except a bad attitude and an inflated ego. Cassell learned from Kandi; he’s bringing nothing to the table and when you get there, he’s made off with all the rolls (maybe to feed Spree’s kids, I don’t know). He needs to be a player that plays about 10 minutes a night and if his shot is falling, let him play more. That’s it.

If Flip and Kevin follow this advice, we’re going to be watching the Wolves move deep into May and possibly June. If they don’t heed my words of wisdom, we’re going to be arguing over who McHale should take with their lottery pick next year, because this team is not going to be playoff bound. Let’s go guys. As Spike Lee would say…”Do the right thing!”

If this sounds almost identical to How to Fix the Season I, it’s because it it. Why won’t they listen to me??

Menards 11% off...

So, Menards has a promotion going where if you clip one of their coupons you get 11% off of anything in the store. This is apparently a pretty big promotion. Their newest commercial features some guy who gets so excited when he finds the coupon, he runs to the store in his pajamas and then gets the Alex Rodriguez “I Can’t Believe This is Happening" Face when he realizes he has to walk all of his primo 11% off purchases back to his house because he forgot his truck. This commercial looks almost like Kevin Smith filmed it while he was filming Clerks. Yet, it was on during the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl! And that’s not even the strangest thing.

The strangest thing is “Why 11%”? Is that the stupidest thing you've ever heard? How in the world would they ever come up with a promotion to have an 11% off coupon, much less make it their biggest promotion in years? Who was the ad wizards left in charge while that decision was made? Do you think the CEO stayed home one day to take care of his dog because he ate some bad steak, and when he came back in, he found that this was decided and had gone to the presses?

Or maybe they were sitting in a marketing meeting and some new guy with a bad tweed jacket goes "Hey, how about we have a coupon for…uh…like 10% off?"

Then, the Marketing Director looks right at Tweed Jacket and starts nodding his head slowly. “Yes. Yes. That’s good. I like that. I like it a lot. Tweed Jacket, that is a fantastic idea. But why stop at 10%? If America loves 10% off, and I’m sure they will, then they’ll go crazy for 11% off! It's 1% better! Kids will be telling their grandchildren about this day. We can have a parade, with streamers and mimes and possibly two people dressed up as the number 11!"

Tweed Jacket chimes in “…Because of the 11% off?”

The Director points at Tweed Jacket, “Exactly!”

Everyone stands up slowly. Tweed Jacket starts a slow clap. The others around the office join in as the clap starts to get faster and louder. Faster and louder, until the whole room is like Forbes Field during a Steeler’s game.

Then, some intern interrupts "Uh…What about 12%?"

The clapping immediately stops. There's dead silence in the room. Tumbleweed casually blows by, as the Director looks right at the intern. The Director bellows "Pack up your stuff and get the hell out of this building!"

The intern leaves and then they all celebrate with orange slices and Capri-Suns, as the Director mumbles to himself “11%. 11%. Yeeesssss!”

I’m pretty sure that one of those two things had to have happened. That and I assume the CEO is also that drunken old guy that used to be on their commercials. Now that was a pitchman. He was like the Michael Jordan of selling outdoor supplies. Spicy. Either way, this has to be about the stupidest marketing campaign since Pepsi had Michael Jackson try to sell soft drinks to little boys.

Sports Guy Intern Essay...

I think I should be the new Intern so I can be the Screech Powers to your Zack Morris. Sure, you’d probably like a nice A.C. Slater, Kelly Kapowski or, to a lesser extent, Mikey Gonzalez to be at your side. However, no one is going to be there for you like Screech.

When you need to bug the girls slumber party to hear what they’re saying about you, who are you going to ask? You’re not going to ask Mikey because he’s too busy trying to sell potatoes to help Miss Bliss recover from the “margin fiasco”. When you need someone to go the extra mile for you, Screech is there with running shorts on.

Who is your source when you need someone to hook you up a fake ID so you can get in “The Attic”? You can’t ask Slater because he can’t tear himself away from blathering incessantly about Jessie Spano. The only one you can trust to handle the responsibility of changing your identity is your boy Screech.

If you’re trying to “win” a free trip to Hawaii through the glee club, is Kelly going to make sure you bake in the sun? Hardly! She has the vocal talent of Britney Spears after four “Diver Down’s” and a pack of Swisher Sweets. No, the only man who’s willing to do anything to help you out is that “special” kid with the heart of gold, Screech.

Screech always makes sure the job gets done. (Please bear with me as I drive this theme home like Carlos Delgado) He might not be the flashiest guy out there, but he’ll do whatever is asked of him. When the links need to be out there to entertain the millions of SGW readers, Screech will make sure that amusement is provided even if he has to write with two pencils simultaneously. The most important thing is to make sure the readers (and the Sports Guy) are happy with the end product that is put out. Like Buddy Bands, your satisfaction is always guaranteed.

I am that Screech that ESPN.com needs and I can continue in the immense shoes of The Intern and will always serve…

The Few…The Proud…The Readers.

Apprentice III

Wow, Verna quit! No one saw that coming…except for the whole damn viewing audience. Talk about misleading commercials…”It’s not who you think it is…” if you’re someone who doesn’t watch the show. What a letdown. This was the TV equivalent of Y2K. So much hype, so much drama, and all of the sudden, you’re sitting in your basement with an oxygen tank and a can of pork ’n beans, waiting for the world to end, when the lights are all still on and nothing out of the ordinary is happening. That’s how I feel about this Verna quitting on the Apprentice.

Audrey is still super hot. She keeps getting hotter. This could be the equivalent of the 1993 Braves, coming back from 13 games behind the Giants. I can’t verbalize how shocking this is to me. No one saw this coming. She’s like Amanda Peet…except a hotter, less slutty version. Not that there’s anything wrong with being slutty.

Speaking of coming out of nowhere, where did this Stephanie girl come from? She’s looking like Christine Taylor and I haven’t even noticed her before? Am I losing it? Next thing you know, I’m going to have to put some sort of bungee contraption on my pants so I can find them when I wake up in the morning. If any other beautiful women appear on this show, I may just let the aliens abduct me…because I am serving no purpose here.

“Hi, my name is Tana. I look like a horse. Do not be mesmerized by my extra long face and prominent teeth. Continue on with your business”

Here’s a little hint Magna Corp…if you’re putting someone in charge because of their creativity…and in a previous task, they created the “throw a ball in the homeless man’s house” game…you may want to rethink that strategy. Next thing you know, they’re going to bring Verna back and put her in charge of team morale. It’s like watching student council in seventh grade. No one has any idea what they’re doing; all they know is that they want a vending machine in the cafeteria.

I sat there wishing and hoping that Michael was going to perform more tricks to go along with having the plate on his head. Some things I thought he could have done were; get a spoon to stick to his nose, some sort of yo-yo trick, or the ever popular, pull my finger gag.

Bren is quite the artist. Too bad NBC couldn’t show the other signs he created to go along with his “task 3 is going to hell sign”; “Michael is a doody head” (a drawing of Michael with poo on his head) and “I would do anything for Trump but I wouldn’t do that” (use you imagination).

“Hello, they call me Tana. Please try not to stare at my flared nostrils and flowing mane. Continue watching the show.”

So, Linda Cook won the 10,000 dollars. I have 2 predictions about Miss Cook. The money has already been spent on a combination of booze, heroin and Vicadin. She did not fill out any tax forms for her winnings, so once this airs the IRS will be on her tail.

They got mimes to appear at their event. Plus 10 points. Whose idea was that? All the juggling clowns on stilts busy for the day?

“Hi. My name is Tana. If you can, please ignore my four-legged stature and flopping tail. Do your best to concentrate on the view from the helicopter. Do not let me distract you.”

Sidenote: How does Paris Hilton have her own show and is now hosting SNL? Can anyone explain this to me? She has no talent. She’s known for being rich. That’s it. Then she made a sex tape which she helped leak to boost her career and now she is everywhere. She’s like the Starbucks of C-list celebrity. 10 years ago, you had to search for them. Now, you roll out of bed and there are two of them down in the kitchen and one of them in the bathroom. End Sidenote

I love how Michael got blindsided in the boardroom. Can you imagine what he was thinking while everyone was talking? It’s like your boss telling you he’s going to pay you for your work, then when you go to use the money in the bank, there’s nothing there. Well played.

I don’t know if Danny knows it or not, but when he went to boardroom, he had his hair in a ponytail. Might have just happened while he was walking. I don’t know. He might have slipped and stood up with his hair like that. One thing is for certain…white dudes in ponytails will not endear you to Mr. Trump. Were the tank top and dolphin shorts in the laundry ya stupid hippie?

“Michael, do you think you should be fired?”
“Ummm…no, I have exemption from being fired. Would you like to borrow a dictionary Mr. Trump?”

I wonder if Danny was thinking about bringing his imaginary friend Jorky into the boardroom with Michael, so that Danny would have been the only one who could have been fired. I like his strategy. Maybe he should go talk to the Crystal Pepsi people and try to work something out.

My prediction for a winner after week 3: Still Kendra. She’s the anti-Paris Hilton and is staying out of the spotlight. Sentimental favorites are Audrey and Stephanie. Hopefully no more super hot girls pop up next week, lest I have to retire my head to the kitchen over.

Dear George Costanza,

This is a little embarrassing because I’ve never written a letter like this before. It’s just that I feel such a kinship with you, it transcends all known boundaries. I feel like we have developed a closeness that very few humans can even describe. I am sure the feeling is mutual.

You are my favorite person in the world. I tried to initiate a fan club for you, but it seemed like a lot of work so I decided to make a pizza instead. I apologize. I also tried to talk to you at the bodega on the corner of 57th and Park, but some hoodlums used pepper spray on me and then kicked me in the ribs. They proceeded to laugh at me, but I mistook that as laughter towards the movie Dumb & Dumber, so I joined in with them. Only months later, when I replayed the incident in my mind, did I realize the folly in my ways. I was most embarrassed.

I used to live with my parents, just like you did! My mom was crazy, just like yours! One time, I brought a girl home and this girl was less than perfect. She had a peg leg, an eye patch and a seeing-eye dog, but I was going through a rough patch and no other ladies would give me the time of day. Did I mention this young woman was a hooker? My mom asked me if I was going to marry her! Can you believe that? Like I would ever marry someone who would treat a dog that way! They’re not here to be our servants, they’re here to play with us and smell each others butts!

I also used to sell real estate, just like you did. And by sell, I mean I used to sleep in an abandoned building that smelled like urine and I met someone named Bubba. He made me his girlfriend and I couldn’t escape until it was light out because Bubba would explode if he went in the light. Wait, that’s vampires that explode in the light. Gosh, I guess I wouldn’t have had to endure those years of torture if I would have figured that out earlier. Well, you live and you learn I guess.

Enclosed, you will find a 5x7 I took of you as you picked up the 1999 Lingerie issue of Playboy Magazine from Herb’s Service Station. Please sign it and send it back to me. I am your biggest fan!

Signed,
Brent Nelson

Aimlessness...

Whatever happened to Crystal Pepsi?

How much fun is a barrel of monkeys? Does the ratio of monkey size to barrel size play any part in the equation? Do the monkeys have to be alive? Can you squeeze extra fun out of them by stuffing more barrels in the monkey? Is this the same barrel you shoot fish in?

Though the spork is a great invention, wouldn’t it be eight times better if it were called a foon?

What is the deal with Papa Smurf? Where was Mama Smurf? Did she run away when she had all those kids? Were they just created, kind of like the Toxic Avenger? Did Papa Smurf spank them when they were bad? And how were the Smurfs supposed to breed? Smurfette was the only female, so she would have to mate with all her brothers. Was that why the show was cancelled? Can’t they bring the show back to primetime in Smurfs: The College Years? Would anyone not want to watch Brainy Smurf get beaten up by the hockey team and Grouchy Smurf complain about his English Literature class? I can’t believe no one has done this yet!

For no reason: Akash Srivastava

How did Teri Hatcher make such a triumphant return from the dead? It’s like when you hit a deer on the side of the road and all four of it’s legs come off, you assume it can’t be alive. But all of the sudden, it’s using its stumps to move it over towards it’s legs and re-attach them. That’s Teri Hatcher.

Can you have too much ketchup with your French fries?

Whatever happened to the Metric system taking over the …um…current system we use that is not the Metric system (Go memory!!)? I remember back in third grade, there were rumors around that we were going to have to switch systems and I was scared like Nick Anderson at the free throw line. What became of that?

Just for the hell of it: Aaron Lee

Where did the phrase “cute as a bug’s ear” come from? Though bugs in general are cute, I doubt that their ears are any cuter than the rest of their body. To delve deeper into this, I attended the 1st annual “Bug’s Ear” conference held in Helsinki, Finland. To sum of the three days of presentations, it was discovered that the bug’s ear actually was cuter than the rest of the bug due to the intricate arching of the macaphibius glands. See, in the bug, the glands are swollen up to twice the normal size, which creates a flower effect, making the ear look like a rose. All in all, it was a very interesting weekend.

Can corn be your favorite food? Is that allowed? Has anyone ever answered the favorite food question with corn? Isn’t that like saying your favorite TV show is the Weather Channel or your favorite baseball player is Marty Barrett?

Is there anything that can happen out on the Strip in Vegas where you would be shocked it’s happening? If a naked midget walked by with a monkey on his shoulder and the monkey was juggling chainsaws, would you really bat an eye?

Don't Follow the Trend...

If betting against the Patriots were a fashion statement right now, it would be plastered all over Ashton Kutcher’s head and Abercrombie & Fitch would be selling it for 45 dollars a pop. Just because it’s the trendy thing to do, it doesn’t mean it’s right, because pretty soon it will be in the back of your closet with your Hammer pants, white leisure suits and snap bracelets.

There have been several trendy teams throughout these playoffs and all of them have failed miserably. There is also one team that keeps chugging along, like a locomotive that is the antithesis of trendy. The New England Patriots is that team that is the locomotive and the Philadelphia Eagles are just the latest team to get caught in the cowcatcher.

Remember in round two when it was trendy to pick the Vikings? They had just come off of a dazzling win over the Packers at home and all of the sudden everyone and their uncle was taking bets on the Vikes. Seems people forgot that Brett Favre put on his Neil O’Donnell mask for the game, their running back was playing with an amputated leg and their Pro Bowl wide receiver was somehow subdued by the security guard that ended up starting in the Vikings secondary. The Vikings proceeded to walk into Philadelphia and get smacked around like the “very capable” Kenny B by Hulk Hogan in old-school WWF. (Do you remember those guys? They were always on Saturday morning. You had to sit through all the matches between the guy who starts in the ring, who was very capable, and the good guy. Then, at the end of the hour, you’d finally get to see the Rockers fight the Legion of Doom for the Tag Team Belt.) If you’re keeping score at home, that’s trend nothing.

The same week as the Vikings fiasco, everyone and their other uncle was parlaying the Vikings game with the Colts game at New England. I must admit, I was sucked into this bet. I didn’t realize Peyton Manning had received the torch FedEx from Dan Marino, so I thought the Colts still had a chance. The Patriots were starting a wide receiver in the secondary along with a guy named Gay! Manning had just set the record for TD passes in a season. If he was ever going to win a big game, this was the perfect set-up. It was like he was holding pocket 10’s and the flop came 3-10-10. There was no way he could mess it up! This is why the Colts became the trendy pick. Who cares if Brady has never lost in the playoffs? Does it matter that the defense has more heart than the Mayo Clinic? Apparently not to the sportswriters. They made the Colts the runaway pick. Alas, after two games the trend still has zero wins.

The Patriots are coming off a win in Pittsburgh against a team that was 15-1. This was not just a regular win. This was the kind of win you dream about. Dismantled them. That was the kind of game that left Roethlisberger feeling like DeNiro at the end of Deer Hunter. It just makes you hope that he’s okay. That’s how bad the Patriots destroyed this team, while the Steelers were at home and the Patriots were playing Wally the Beerman at nickel back in the second half.

The Eagles are coming off a win also. They subdued Mike Vick on a grass field while it was 16 degrees out. Gee Mike, is it tough to run when it’s that cold? So, you had to try to turn into Joe Montana, but let’s face it, you’re no Joe Montana. This was the same Falcons team that blew away the Rams, who were coached by Mike Martz. Do their stats impress you yet? Has anything I’ve said made you want to bet on them?

Then why are the Eagles all of the sudden the trendy pick to win the Super Bowl? Again, it’s just the sportswriters trying to drum up some columns and there can only be so many articles on how Terrell Owens is doing with his ankle. So, someone writes that the Eagles are going to win. And all the sudden, it’s like a Tsunami and it’s consuming everyone. Eventually, if it’s written enough, you begin to believe it’s true. You can only hear that Richard Gere gerbil story so many times before you start to believe it.

But don’t do it. The Eagles are just a mirage. The Patriots are going to win this game, just like they have consistently done in the playoffs since Brady has been there. There are always some sportswriters who want you to read their articles but you don’t have to believe them. As the playoffs have shown so far, the trendy pick is not the correct pick. Go with what you know and don’t bet on the Hula Hoop.

If you do believe the Eagles have what it takes to win, I have a pair of Zubaz and a trucker hat that you may also be interested in.

Final Score – Patriots 28 – Eagles 24