Dear George Costanza,

This is a little embarrassing because I’ve never written a letter like this before. It’s just that I feel such a kinship with you, it transcends all known boundaries. I feel like we have developed a closeness that very few humans can even describe. I am sure the feeling is mutual.

You are my favorite person in the world. I tried to initiate a fan club for you, but it seemed like a lot of work so I decided to make a pizza instead. I apologize. I also tried to talk to you at the bodega on the corner of 57th and Park, but some hoodlums used pepper spray on me and then kicked me in the ribs. They proceeded to laugh at me, but I mistook that as laughter towards the movie Dumb & Dumber, so I joined in with them. Only months later, when I replayed the incident in my mind, did I realize the folly in my ways. I was most embarrassed.

I used to live with my parents, just like you did! My mom was crazy, just like yours! One time, I brought a girl home and this girl was less than perfect. She had a peg leg, an eye patch and a seeing-eye dog, but I was going through a rough patch and no other ladies would give me the time of day. Did I mention this young woman was a hooker? My mom asked me if I was going to marry her! Can you believe that? Like I would ever marry someone who would treat a dog that way! They’re not here to be our servants, they’re here to play with us and smell each others butts!

I also used to sell real estate, just like you did. And by sell, I mean I used to sleep in an abandoned building that smelled like urine and I met someone named Bubba. He made me his girlfriend and I couldn’t escape until it was light out because Bubba would explode if he went in the light. Wait, that’s vampires that explode in the light. Gosh, I guess I wouldn’t have had to endure those years of torture if I would have figured that out earlier. Well, you live and you learn I guess.

Enclosed, you will find a 5x7 I took of you as you picked up the 1999 Lingerie issue of Playboy Magazine from Herb’s Service Station. Please sign it and send it back to me. I am your biggest fan!

Signed,
Brent Nelson