A simple question...drawn out

So, I wanted to check if Alicia was going to Dan's for the 4th of July. Now, any normal, sane person would have picked up the phone and called to find out the answer. As everyone knows, I am neither normal and many would say I am not sane.

So, the moral of this witty tale is I decided to write her a long, drawn out e-mail, set on a pirate ship, in the form of a movie script. Now, for your reading pleasure, I will post that e-mail here. (For all those wanting to know, Alicia will not be attending Dan's 4th 'o July-palooza)

Without further ado....

EXT. SPRINKLER DANDY - MAIN DECK - NIGHT
Lit by lanterns; no moon is visible beneath the fog. Smoke hangs heavy above the deck. ALICIA'S longboat is raised above the deck rail -- pirates spot her, and stare. One polite fellow stepsforward to offer his hand. She takes it and steps down. She huddles, self-conscious in her nightgown and dressing robe.

An imposing FIGURE in silhouette stands by the wheel. The silhouetted figure moves toward the stairs. A cloud of SMOKE obscures him -- and then, as if he skipped the stairs, he strides out of the SMOKE on the main deck-This is BRENT. Despite the bright colors of clothing, definitely not a man you'd want to meet in a dark alley -- or anywhere, for that matter.

BRENT
Ahoy young Alicia. I see by your robe that the terror
alert level has reached level Mauve. Very scary indeed.

ALICIA
What the hell am I doing on this ship? What's going on?

BRENT
(cowering in fetal position, with one eye covered, forming
what is known to all as a Pirateball)
I had to pitch you a question in a long, drawn out e-mail.

ALICIA
Well, your e-mail has failed to amuse me, but it has been long.
Go ahead and ask away.

BRENT
Arrrrrggh you going to Dan's house for the fourth of July?
It shall be a Jolly good time, with mirth and merriment for all!

ALICIA
(rolls her eyes, undoes her shackles and jumps the plank
into the shark invested waters)

BRENT
(with a befuddled look on his face)
Arrrgh. I'm not going to lie. I don't know what to do with that.


THE END

FADE OUT and CREDITS ROLL

Stupid stuff...

So, my head burn has started peeling and now my whole flippin' head looks like that damn spot on the side of Rasheed Wallace's head! What is that thing anyway? If I were him, once I got my millions that would have been the third thing I would have don; gotten that fixed! What are the first two? World's biggest gold car and the perfect turkey sandwich! Go cheese!!

So, when you walk up a hill, do you ever find yourself walking on you tiptoes, pretending to be a velociraptor? Ummm...yeah. Me neither.

If you had a choice between being a chipmunk, or a chipmunk with X-Ray vision, I think I'd pick being the chipmunk with X-Ray vision everytime.

I think we're all a bit disgusted with Lindsay Lohan. She's looks like Jessica Alba, if Jessica Alba were a pasty piece of crap who weighs 84 pounds and would have sex with a tree for the right price. You know, they're like twins.

I don't know who greenlighted that new Martin Lawrence movie "Rebound" but whoever did should be shot. Do you think the people on set knew it was going to be the worst movie ever? They had to at least have an inkling...

You're a dickfore...

...if you still have a Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker on your car; the election is over, so get over it.

...if you burned your head this weekend and complained to everyone about the oozing coming out of it; no one wants to hear it.

...if the gold in your mouth is worth more than many Americans houses; seriously, think of something else to do with your money.

...if you know the difference between a Light Saber and a Light Sabre; the force may be with you, but I'm willing to bet there aren't too many chicas.

...if you think I stole this bit from Jeff Foxworthy; you're right, but don't be such an ass to me.

...if you give yourself your own nickname; dude, nicknames are given to you by friends or enemies and you're a total douche if you nickname yourself.

...if you think bowling is a sport; hell, I love bowling, but have you ever seen a 'Beer & Pizza' football league?

I'm an idiot.

I cut my hair pretty short last Tuesday night. This is what I do about every three months since I'm cheap and don't want to cough up the 8 bucks to go to Great Clips. But that's neither here nor there.

No the point of the story is it was hot out this weekend. Like a raging inferno trapped within' the depths of hell, all covered up in a simmering pot in a giant's oven while he roasted the whole thing on a spit above a roaring fire. So...you know...hot.

Along with the heat of eternal damnation, there is this little thing called "The Sun". If you're...um...alive, you've probably heard of it. It's that giant yellow ball in the sky. Well, it emits these amazing things called "sunrays". When these "sunrays" hit "exposed skin" it "burns" the "skin". I hope it's all coming together for you.

So, with the amount of time I spent out in "The Sun" catching "sunrays" and the lack of protection on my head, I now have blistering 8th degree burns throughout my whole cranular region. So, for the next two weeks, I will be complaining about this as my head starts to peel. And good times will be had by all...

Why I Hate Shannon Stewart

Now, as everyone and their monkey knows, I hate Shannon Stewart. Anything he does something remotely good, like hit a double so he's one behind Juan Castro on the season or makes a routine catch look tough, I get a ribbing on how good he is. Which is fine. But the whole point of why I hate him has been greatly overlooked.

The reason for my hatred of Shannon Stewart is a monetary issue, not a performance issue. He is performing as well as could possibly be expected this year for an outfielder who is below-average defensively and slow. I mean, he's probably going to hit .300 and have a career high in homers. All the talk Bert and Dick are throwing about the All-Star game is Twins related hooey, but he is slowly becoming adequate. Which is nice.

The problem is, we're paying 6 million dollars for a guy who is adequate! We are spending 10.5% of out payroll on someone who can be described as "eh". He's like NCIS...average! Yet we're spending this huge amount of money on him when we're on a budget. Does this make sense? We could have Lew Ford starting out in left and putting up very similar stats, for only 385k! Are you kidding me?

What could we get with that extra 5.615 million? We could have another starting pitcher instead of Kyle Lohse (who is making 2.4 million by the way...but that's a different rant). Think about it...which would you rather have...Stewart in left, Ford DHing and Lohse on the mound or Ford in left, LeCroy DHing and Kenny Rogers (9-2 with a 1.98 ERA) on the hill? And we're not even taking into account not having Lohse ont he team!!

So, you can obviously see what a drain on the team Stewart is. So, if he can continue to keep up his "heroics" and continue on his rise to mediocrity, maybe we'll have a chance to trade him for a decent starter! And remember when Stewart is back next year in the final year of his deal, he'll be the 5th (5th!!) best outfielder on the team, because Jason Kubel is going to tear it up.

Now that we have this all settled, and we can all hate Shannon Stewart for all the right reasons, let's all go grab some PLego's and play nice. It's the Wal-Mart way!!

BBQ Friend Scale

Friends are like going to a BBQ...they all bring different things. But, there are four definite levels of friends, just as there are four definite levels of people who come to a BBQ.

1. The person who brings the main food (burgers, brats, dogs, etc) - This is the kind of friend you want around all the time. If this person is going to be somewhere, you want to be there too. This is a person who gets your sense of humor and can fly out with their own jokes (or jokes you get) on a consistent basis. You're constantly having a good time around this person. If you find a girl that reaches this level, that's the kind of girl you want to date. Not too many people reach this level of friendship.
2. The person who brings a sidedish (chips, potato salad, etc) - This is the kind of person who you're happy to see, but you don't go very far out of your way to see them. If you ask if they're going to be there and the answer is 'yes', your response is cool. This type of person is sometimes funny, but you're never sure if they're going to say anything great. You always have an okay time with them, some better than others. If you're having people over, you want these people there too.
3. The person who doesn't bring anything - This is the kind of person that you can take or leave. You don't really have anything against them, but you don't really want to see them. They're just kind of there. If they were a TV show, they'd be NCIS. They would essentially be a last resort to turn to on a Friday night.
4. The person who doesn't bring anything but takes food anyway - This is the kind of person you have to watch out for. They'll be standing there, you turn your back, and all of the sudden, two burgers and an ice cream sandwich are gone. This is the kind of person that will make you think twice about going somewhere if they're there. They make you praise the inventor of caller ID. When you see them, your soul dies a little. Most of the time, you would rather have your head run over by a Yugo than converse with them. I think we all know someone like this.

Why??

Right before I go to bed, I always have different strange thoughts, like who would win in a foot race, Bam-bam Rubble or Elroy Jetson (Bam-bam would win) and why did Zack take Kelly back even though he knew she would cheat on him again (ummmm...she's hyper hot...that's why).

So, the other night, I'm laying there, trying to fall asleep. Then, I start to wonder, who would I choose to date if both Keira Knightley and Natalie Portman both wanted to date me. What a dilemma! I didn't know what to do, and I started getting worried that if I didn't choose one, they would both find better options (I know, I know, you're thinking 'Better options? Please Brent.' But believe me, there may be better options out there than me) so I had to figure this out quickly.

I did a quick run-down of cons and pros of each of the lovely ladies. It went like this

Keira Knightley

• Con - British
• Pro - Wicked hot
• Con - Uses the word 'fat cow' to describe herself
• Pro - Looks like Natalie Portman
• Con - Only 19
• Pro - Only 19
• Con - Would probably make me live in British-land
• Pro - Might have a castle in said British-land

Natalie Portman

• Con - Vegetarian
• Pro - Wicked hot
• Con - Way into religion
• Pro - Hyper smart, since she went to Harvard
• Con - Wants to give up the acting, which would leave The Brent out of the spotlight
• Pro - Looks like Keira Knightley
• Con - Wants to live in Israel
• Pro - Might have a castle in Israel

In the end, after that exhausting list, I looked at the clock, saw it was 4 a.m. and realized that I'd just wasted 4 hours trying to figure out the answer to a question that was never going to be asked anyway. Swat that. So, I went to sleep.

(I ended up picking Natalie Portman for all those keeping track. The British thing and the Vegetarianism cancel each other out, and they look very similar. The deciding factor was that I think there's a much greater chance that Keira Knightley let's herself go once she reaches her mid-30's. It's more of a gut-call, but I'm normally right on issues such as these. It's good to have talents. Go Bacon!!)

Cruising with Jesus??

So I'm driving down the street and I see one of those crappy PT Cruisers ahead of me. Which is all fine and dandy, I don't judge people for what they drive...or how much of a hippie they are. Regardless, this one had something wrong with it. On the back window, there was a saying going all the way across..."Cruising with Jesus."

Get it? Since they were in a PT Crusier, and they were right with the Lord, they were "Cruising with Jesus." Ahhh...so clever. So clever it made me dry heave a bit. This goes right along with the lame Ford Focus I saw that said "Focused on Faith."

If I see a Honda Accord rolling down the street that says "According to God." I may open up fire. It's at least a 75 percent possibility. Bacon and hot links for all!!

Uncomfortable walk...

This morning, I was walking around Gays Pond (as the pond with the possible Homersexual Swing shall henceforth be called) and I was caught in a quandry. There was a middle aged lady walking about 7 feet in front of me. And she was walking at a perfect pace. Which left me with two options...

• Slow down so she can get a more comfortable distance ahead of me
• Speed up so I can pass her and not feel like a stalker

As you can all probably guess, I chose option 'C', which was to follow her for about 15 minutes at the 7 foot distance. I'm sure she felt like I was stalking her, because even I was feeling uncomfortable, and I was the one who was doing the following.

Finally, when I couldn't take it anymore and there was a chance she would turn around and ask me what the hell I wanted, there was a fork in the path and I took the path less traveled. Just to get away from her.

But, unfortunately, I found out why it was less traveled. It actually led into a poison ivy patch and, long story short, the doctor bill is looking like $800.

(This is a completely true story, except for the poison ivy patch and doctor bill. I used my imagination on those. Go imagination! It's your birthday!!)

My Book...

So I have finally decided to start my book. I have talked about this for a long time, as anyone around me probably knows. Through my desparate boredom and need to have some sort of long term goal, I have decided that now is the perfect time to write a book. Hopefully I can follow through on this as I have with numerous other ideas I've had, such as

• Playing baseball in college
• Finishing my screen play
• Applying to graduate school
• Updating my resume
• Talking to more people
• Not watching 8 hours of TV a day

Ummmm...uh-oh book.