A dud undercover...

Alas, after taking my inspiration from Tyra Banks, my undercover work ended just like hers: short and poignantly unsubstantial.

I only made it with the 'Stache through about 5 hours; basically until Alison got home from work. When she got home, our conversation went something like this:

Alison: What are you wearing on your face?
Brent: smiles politely
Alison: You look like a porn star.
Brent: beams uncontrollably
Alison: A gay porn star.
Brent: beam fades to a look of forlorn defeat
Alison: And that mustache looks ridiculous too!
Brent: Frack!!

And with that, my experiment was over. I still don't know what it's like to really live with a mustache, all I know is that I don't want to live with a mustache in our house...

Undercover...

Taking my inspiration from Tyra Banks, I have decided to go undercover for the next few days. As many of you know (or at least I hope many of you know) Tyra likes to go undercover to reveal the true way that people are discriminated against.

To the left,you can see that I have attached a picture of Tyra, pretending to be homeless. She went out on the streets for 4 whole hours, just to see what it was like when people were not catering to her every modelistic desire.

I think she taught us all a very big lesson in that episode. But not nearly as big as the lesson she taught us in the episode where she put on a fat suit (not to be confused with the episode where People magazine actually called her fat).

As you can see from the picture on the right, Tyra went undercover to see what it was like to be someone fatter then herself. And, in only the way Tyra can, she showed us, and her studio audience, a whole different world, as she took 8 hours getting into the suit and 4 hours actually walking around in the suit.

So, I had to come up with something just as hard-hitting as Tyra came up with. But what could it be? What form of discrimination is still out there that we need to tackle? C. Thomas Howell has already explored racism in Soul Man. Tyra has tackled obesity and homelessness. The only thing left that I can think of is...to grow a mustache!

That's right. As pathetic as it is (see the picture) I have decided to grow a mustache and see how differently people treat me. While I don't expect to get egged or anything like that, I'm sure I will garner some looks and that might not be altogether pleasant. I only hope my undercover work is half as good as Tyra's!!

Trolling Craigslist...

So, there's a wedding shower going on at my house, which means I'm not allowed to be there. Which means I've gone to my parents house and started trolling Craigslist, looking for inspiration on something to write about. And, as always, Craigslist has not disappointed.

I went to the free section of Minneapolis, because people tend to put the strangest things in the free section. Today, I've found two...
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Bra (St.Paul)
I have 6 gently used Bras size 36C. Non Smoking home.

Take all or some. Call 612 325 4323 -Nicole
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Mattress 52" x 70" x ~6"
Not quite a full I guess, can't remember what it's off of originally - maybe a sleeper sofa? It has springs in it.

Against house, take - 913 Mound Street, St. Paul, MN 55106 at the corner of Burns & Mound Street, on the Burns Avenue side.
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OK, now on the first one, I admit, first off, that I have no idea how much a bra costs. But I know they sell them at Target, so I would assume you could get a pretty good deal on them. And, if you get a good deal on them, you probably don't need someone's "gently" used bra.

Gently used? I figure there's only one was to use a bra. I mean...I'm at a loss for words. What is the difference between gentle and heavy use? I don't know.

Whatever. This ad reminds me of the time I was at Goodwill and I saw a used pair of tighty-whities clipped inside one of those wooden pants hangars. I said it then and I'll say it now...if you have to resort to used undergarments, you may want to re-evaluate where your life is headed.

And on the second item. Nothing wrong with a used mattress. In fact, we still have an old mattress that used to be my parents (I know...gross...get over it). My favorite part is that it's sitting outside, in the snow, getting old and moldy, and someone would go and take it? And then use it? Disgusting.

Then again, I remember reading in the Rock's book that he was so poor when he was playing football in Canada that they used to go dumpster diving for old, used mattresses in the alley behind a hotel with hourly rates. And you know what's probably on those...spittle...oatmeal...sem...er, perhaps I've gone too far.

So, on second thought...maybe that second ad isn't as bad as I thought initially. Come to think of it...Alison and I could probably use a new mattress...

Linens 'N Things coupons...

Now, if you've ever shopped at Linens 'N Things, you probably know that they have 20% coupons in their ads every week. And you probably know that on the coupon, it says it is good for 20% off of one item.

So, we collected up a large sum of coupons (re: 2) and took them to Linens 'N Things to collect our savings rewards.

Alison and I each got an item (she got a candle...I got a bathmat...because it was cute and perfect for the decor for the master bath...or I'm Alison's pawn and I do whatever she wants...I forget which it is) and took them up to the register.

We stood in different lines as I assumed you could only use one coupon per transaction. Apparently, I was wrong. Here's how my experience went with the Linens 'N Things Clerk Lady (LNTCL)...

Brent: (sets his bathmat and 20% off coupon on the counter)
LNTCL: (looks at the bathmat, then at Brent, then over at Alison, then back at the bathmat)
Brent: (grins like an idiot)
LNTCL: This going to be it for you?
Brent: Yep...that'll do'er.
LNTCL: You know you can use more than one coupon per transaction, right?
Brent: (shoots the wink and the gun)
Brent: I did not know that. That's a hot tip my friend.
LNTCL: (sighs)
Brent: And a good day to you too!!

My new goal...

Now, we all I know I can consume copious amounts of food in a short amount of time. I don't think anyone who knows me would argue with that.

And, until now, that skill has served no real purpose, except to annoy dinner companions (and by dinner companions, I mean Alison and/or my parents, since no one else really goes out to eat with me) as I inhale my meal while they've taken about 3 bites.

But today, I found a purpose. Now, since I apparently don't have my ear on the pulse of society, I might be a bit late to the party on this one, (Or 47 years late, according to the webisite....but who's to say what a bit is?) but the BIG TEXAN STEAK RANCH offers a 72 oz. steak (that's 4.5 pounds of beef fellas) that is free if you can finish it in one hour.

Understandably, I have never tried such a feat, as I didn't know it existed. But I have eaten over 45 ounces of steak in a single sitting, which I judged to be about 25 minutes. And I also had bread and fries at that time, and was not what I would consider to be adequately full. So, I'm sure it can be done and it would be an accomplishment that would shock the world!!!

Sure, an 11 year old boy has done it, as has a 69 year old grandma. But that doesn't matter to me. Sometime, I am going to Amarillo, TX and eating free for a week.

New Movie to see...

OK, I just read the plot outline for the movie "White Pants."

Plot Outline: A baseball player gets stuck in the outfield with a sudden attack of diarrhea.

I guess we got a new-new phrase:

"The outfield has been pooped in."

I wonder if the star used to be a prosecutor in Tampa??

Colonizing Mars

So, it turns out that one of the guys who helped make Paypal a success is now heading up a company that is trying to colonize Mars.

I think we've all thought about living on Mars. Me? I think about it about every 10 minutes, in between trying to figure out how to sign my next recruit for my Sim college and firguring out if I can eat a whole banana cake in one sitting without dying (I can't).

But, what would you do on Mars? Is it going to just be like Earth II, or will there be exciting new things introduced there? Because, if it's just Earth II, I really don't want to go. I know, I know Johnny Paypal; I'm not your target audience. I don't have "money". I don't have "fame". I "have a foul and unpleasant odor".

But that doesn't change the fact that I have an opinion and if you want to actually get people to go to your stupid Red planet, you need to have the following:

- The biggest slide in the universe
- A wave pool made of Koalas (we all know that there is no water on Mars and you have to liquify Koalas for sustenance...we just don't want to talk about it)
- Hoverboards (unless the skateboard lobby in D.C. get to you too)
- Unicorns riding midgets (mythical...I know)

I think if you have all 4 of those, more people are going to follow you. So, why don't you take your billions and start it up and maybe I'll join you in 972 years (as another one of the Paypal founders is heavily invested in a "scientist" who think humans can live to 1,000).

It must be sweet being super rich so you can be super eccentric...

Dollar Store Dilemma...

So, I'm in Crystal, MN the other day, going to Little Caesar's, praying not to get mugged, when I made an amazing discovery.

In the ghettotastic outdoor mall that houses the Little Caesar's, they have, not one, but two dollar stores.

Now, I know what you're thinking; anyone who goes to the dollar store is probably so lazy that they won't walk all the way across the parking lot to go to a different dollar store, so it makes sense, economically, for there to be two there.

BUT WAIT!!! What I have devilishly hidden from you is the fact that these two dollar stores, which have to compete with each other for business, are right next to each other!!! They share a wall!!!

This would be like putting two Starbucks next to each ot...bad example.

But think about it. Why would someone see a dollar store and decide to compete with it right next door? Why not put it across the street? Is there enough business to support two dollar stores right next to each other? Are dollar stores the wave of the future?

And if this place is, in fact, a dollar store utopia, wouldn't some smart fella come there and start a 99 cent store on the other side? Am I the only one who sees the potential in that? I feel like the frickin' Larry Flynt of Minnesota!

Wait...I mean Stephen Hawking. I always get them confused. Why didn't I just use the backspace and get rid of all of this you ask? Why indeed...

The morals (yes, there are more than one) of this story are:

A) No outdoor mall can support two dollar stores,
2) If, somehow, the stars are aligned and it can, in fact, support two dollar stores, someone needs to start a 99 cent store there. There should be no compromise on that.
D) Everyone is now dumber for having read this. I am awarded no points, and may God have mercy on my soul.

Dag...

Sayonara Sports Guy...

This is an open letter to The Sports Guy

Dear Bill "The Sports Guy" Simmons,

Well, it's a very sad day in the Dragon household. After the ups and downs of readership over the last 6 years, I am officially leaving the readership ranks of ESPN Page 2 The Sports Guy.

I've enjoyed you a ton over the years. I've tried to be your intern. I've accused you of stealing from me, but was actually happy that something I used made it into the column. I've tried to get numerous people started on you. And now...it's over.

The final straw was your current column. I've been growing weary of your constant complaining about Boston sports over the past couple years. I mean, they're winning, enjoy it. Now, you write a whole column about the Pats victory over the Colts, complaining?

Ugh. Seriously. It seems like you hasn't written a column about something besides the Red Sox, Patriots or Celtics in over a year. And I can't deal with those columns. Even your mailbags, where you used to shine, have become a cornucopia of Boston related crap.

So, I'm sorry to say Mr. Simmons, you've pooped in the hallway. It's been fun and I wish you the best, alas my journey ends today.

Brent Nelson

New saying...

OK, I'm trying to work on a new saying. Now, this new saying won't be for everyone. Heck, it won't be for most people. But, there are some who will cherish it. And it's for you people that I write this.

Do you feel that the saying "The line has been crossed" has become overused and pretty much lost all meaning? I mean, what is this line? Where is it? Is it real? Or is it just a figment of someone's warped imagination, like midgets and unicorns? I find myself asking that whenever I say that phrase, and I say it a lot.

But now I don't have to. After being let in on a little story by Trete about the goings-ons recently in his office, I've decided to officially make the following replacement:

Anytime you want to say:

"The line has been crossed."

You are now free to say:

"The hall has been pooped in."

Now, since, as you can imagine, a full-grown dude (not one of those imaginary midgets) literally pooped in the hallway of his office building. I can't imagine any scenario where that's not crossing a line, whether the line is real or made-up.

So, now that we have a definition of our new saying, please go forth and spew this new line anytime anyone does something that has gone too far. You have my blessing...

Embers Memories...

While trolling the internet and talking to Petredis today, he mentioned that his hatred of Papelbon is so high, he would like to see him working in a Waffle House after a botched Tommy John surgery. I thought that was a little harsh, and said Embers would be much better.

Alas, Petredis did not know what Embers was. So...I did a little searching and came to this site (right at our very own Blogspot!!) http://embersremembers.blogspot.com/

Read them...they are hilarious...alas, they are not accepting posts anymore. So, I will relate my own true Embers experience to you:
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We went to Embers for their "famous" $1.99 steak and eggs special. Apparently, that commercial was 10 years old, because inflation had changed the amount to $4.99.

Swat that, I thought. I went ahead and ordered a double hamburger meal.

Well...my meal came. A nice, single patty on a bun, along with some fries.

I brought our waitress, Ardell, over to assess the situation.

Brent: Um, I ordered a double hamburger.
Ardell (checks her notepad and says nothing)
Brent: Ummm...double?
Ardell (stares at the burger)
Brent (looks around to see if anyone's head is blowing up like in Scanners)
Ardell: Well...that burger is pretty big.
Brent: Huh?
Ardell: It's a pretty big burger. It counts as a double.
Brent (stares at Ardell): What??
Ardell: Yeah, since it's so big, it counts as a double burger.
Brent (dumbfounded): Um...the menu didn't advertise a "pretty big burger". It called it a "double burger".
Ardell (walks away)

Then, 10 minutes later, as I finished up my "pretty big burger", Ardell came out with another patty, on a plate, with no bun...to finish off my "double burger".

Needless to say, everytime I drive by that Embers (which is now closed, possibly due to crap service), a little piece of my heart stabs Ardell in the face...