Not the brightest bulb...

This is a conversation I had today with someone I'll call Justin P. No, wait...that's too obvious. He'll be J. Petredis. No...wait....how about Subject A? Yes...that's the ticket...

Subject A: I hope TO goes nuts soon
Brent: You mean MORE nuts?
Brent: hahahahahaha
Brent: ZING!
Brent: BAM!
Brent: THAT'S THE STUFF!!!
Subject A: That made me sad.
Brent: BOYIE!!!
Subject A: I think you should do stand up comedy.
Brent: Already do.
Brent: It's one YouTube.
Subject A: Ae you joking?
Brent: Nope...do a search for Brent Nelson Stand-Up Acme Minneapolis.
Brent: Should be the first one.
Subject A: Really?
Brent: Yep.
Brent: Just a one time thing to see how it went.
Brent: It did not go well.
Subject A: Oh.
Subject A: I will watch.
Subject A: That would be tough.
Subject A: To do stand up.
Brent: Prepare to laugh!!
Subject A: I will let you know my review.
(five minutes pass)
Subject A: I hate you.
Subject A: Why do you mess with me like that?
Subject A: I am very sensitive.
Brent: For hilarity.
Brent: Couldn't find it?
Subject A: No.
Subject A: But well played.
Subject A: I didn't believe you at first...
Subject A: but when you said it didn't go well
Subject A: and
Subject A: prepare to laugh...
Subject A: I was sold.

Normally, I couldn't fool my mother on the foolingest day of my life even if I had an electrified fooling machine! Luckily, I've ran into the most gullible person since Akash...

Rhode Island??

So, Alison and I are watching old episodes of 48 Hours Mystery since the writers' strike is having an adverse effect on decent television to watch (I can only hope that the writers on The Hills can keep it up and they force Spencer to continue to rock it out with his flesh-colored beard).

Anyway, obviously, someone has reached an untimely demise, because that's the point of 48 Hours Mystery. So, this cop is trying to figure out the identity of "Castro Valley's Jane Doe". Castro valley is in California, by the way. (Go geography!!)

And they're interviewing him, and he says the following:

"She could be from anywhere. She could be from Louisiana. She could be from Rhode Island. She..."

Rhode Island? How in the butt do you think that one up? If I were thinking of states that someone could be from, Rhode Island doesn't even appear on the list before Denial (The state of denial...get it...it's clever...take that Cleaver), which is the state this d-bag is living in if he thinks anyone who's watching this (me, Alison, his mom) thinks he's clever at all...

Anyway, here's the end of what would be my personal state list:

54. Denial
55. Perpetual Bliss
56. Oregon
57. Hamburger University
58. Pohnpei
59. Anarchy
60. Rhode Island

Stocking Stuffer?

OK, so I'm at the local Holiday Stationstore (yes...it's all one word...I have the receipt right here), pumping some gasoline into the old ride. I'm out there, shivering my buns off, when I see the advertisement on the pump for what's in the store.

At the top, it says "Holiday Stores Stocking Stuffers" and then it lists three items, each more ridiculous than the previous.

1. M&M's : I know what you're thinking; you wouldn't mind coming downstairs on Christmas morning and finding that the fat man left you some chocolate instead of stealing your goodies. And you'd be right. This is the "Terminator" of their stocking stuffer gifts.

2. Pringles : Really? Pringles? Well...I guess I can see it if you really like chips. I mean, Pringles are pretty decent chips, if, you know, I hadn't choked on one when I was little. But still...I can think of about a million things (like this) I'd rather have in my stocking than Pringles. I suppose this is the "Last Action Hero" of their gifts.

3. Red Baron Pizza : Oh, come on! This can't be for real. Frozen pizza? Who in the butt has an Igloo-brand stocking to keep the pizza cold? And seriously, unless your stocking comes in "John Goodman Size", you're not fitting a cruppin' pizza box in there! This...this right here...is the "Batman & Robin" of their ideas.

Who are these people? Seriously! Where are they getting their ideas? Has this ever caused anyone to go..."You know what...Johnny does like pizza; maybe I should put some in his stocking?"

While you're at it, you might as well get him a lifetime supply of zoloft, because little Johnny is going to be pretty depressed when he realizes his parents are morons...

They're back!!

Now, don't everyone go sending her e-mails; this is my money...

Craaaaaapppppp

So, in June, some guy rear ended me. I decided to not go through insurance, because I'm a nice guy/moron and I figured he'd end up paying me. Well...he has been paying me...slowly. It's now December and he still owes about $200. Here was the last conversation I had with him:

Nate: Sorry it's taken me a bit of time to get the money.
Brent: (seething) Oh...not a problem at all. I don't even really like money.
Nate: Yeah, it's been rough. I lost my job a few weeks ago.
Brent: (craaaaaaapppppppp)
Brent: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Nate: Yeah, it's okay though, I just got another job.
Brent: Oh, that's good to hear.
Nate: Yeah, I went into business for myself.
Brent: (CRAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!)

And apparently the business hasn't been all that successful, since I haven't seen any money since then and his phone is now disconnected. Welp...as always...I'm a moron...

Robin Hood?

Now, I may be off on this. I'm not a scholar...as we all know. But I do read quite a bit. Sure, I don't read about much history, but I have seen numerous Robin Hood movies, such as:

Robin Hood: Men in Tights
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
That Disney one with the animals
Titanic (think about it)
The Adventures of Robin Hood (I never saw this one but it's on http://www.imdb.com/.com/m/, so I assume it exists)

And in all my viewings, never, NOT ONCE, did they intimate that Robin Hood was a cross-dresser. Then I find this (picture to the right)

A coloring contest for kids where Robin(a) Hood is wearing a dress and displaying, if I do say so myself, ample bosom.

So, really, what the crap coloring contest? Do you have some knowledge that we don't or is this all in your mind? Society has the right to know!

By the by...I am sooooo winning that contest.

Earth Boy to the rescue!!!

Justin: You threw Toyota Prius in the mix with Geo Metro and Ford Festivus?
Brent: Yep.
Brent: My little knock on the crap that is the Prius.
Justin: The hybrid that gets over 50 mpg?
Brent: Yeah, what's your point?
Justin: Don't you want to be part of the solution and not part of the problem?
Brent: Get a life Earth Boy...

More Stupid Advertising....

So, a couple nights ago, my dad and I were at the T-Wolves game, watching Sebastian Telfair turn the ball over about 800 times.

After the shellacking, we were leaving the game and passing all the stands in the concourse. We walked by the Lemon Chill stand and on the front, their slogan was...

DeLEMONicious!!!

Are you kidding me?
That's what you came up with for your slogan?
What...did you have have a team of monkeys working 3 nanoseconds on that one?
Was FanLEMONtastic already taken?
Was just putting LEMON too easy?
Did everyone just decide they didn't care anymore?

I need to know how they came up with this slogan, so Johnny Q. Monkey over at the Lemon Chill company, please send me an electronic mail and let me know who the adwizards were who came up with that one...

Stupid Gas Station!!!

So, I'm sitting at the pump at the gas station, freezing me bum (yeah...I went quasi-British on you) off, filling up the Audi with some premium grade gasoline. I'm looking around, minding my own business, when I hear some wheels spinning.

I look over to where the noise is and I see a white Geo Metro (or Ford Festivus or Toyota Prius..you know...some FacePoop car that no one wants to be caught dead in) struggling to get up the unplowed hill of the gas station.

Then, the guy (who was in the passenger seat...which meant his girlfriend/wife/sister was driving) gets out and heads to the back of the car to start pushing it up the hill. The wheels are spinning and the car jumped forward. The guy fell face first into the snow.

He get up, and looks towards the gas station store (which is, obviously, not wide open) and waves his arms while screaming:

"PLOW YOUR F$&%ING STORE!!!"

Then, he walked up to where the crap car he was riding in was parked and proceeded to use the free air to fill the tires and leave.

Yeah dude...that's what the gas station really cares about...the D-Bag who comes in all pissed about the conditions and is only there for the free air. He probably also gets upset when he stops by the gas station to wash his windshield and there isn't a squeegee there. I hate people...

Timeshare Tomfoolery...aka Paradise Village Hell

So, Alison and I just got back from our honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta. It was a great time, but I'm sure you don't want to hear about that. No, you want the funny.

Anyway, when you get through customs, there is a huge timeshare gauntlet that you have to navigate. But they don't let you know it's a timeshare gauntlet. So, we go through there and some guy goes "You with Expedia?" And we said yes, so he sent us to this overstuffed Mexican lady.

And she starts yippin' and yappin'. And we're tired. We just want to go to our hotel. And she keeps offering us stuff. And offering. Finally, somehow (I might have fallen asleep), I was giving her a $50 deposit to go on a timeshare tour the next day. Crag!!

Fast forward to the next morning...

We get up and take the 50 minute taxi ride to this place. Nice place. I mean...looked nice. Paradise Village is actually hell...you know...if hell looks nice.

So, they sign us up and say it will be 90 minutes. So, this French Canuck Lady (FCL) starts taking us around. Takes us to the glorious buffet (a tray of cold eggs, stale muffin stumps and OJ). While there, a "waiter" took our OJ order...and brought us the OJ.

Then, we get up to go on the tour. FCL says "They don't pay very well here, so can you leave the waiter a tip?" Tip? You're trying to convince us to buy and you want us to leave money? You can't afford the buck? I bet she took it while we weren't looking.

Anyhoo, she brought us around the grounds and answered our questions. Alison mentioned that she didn't like swimming in the ocean because there might be sharks. FCL said that there are no sharks in the bay. I don't know how they keep them out of the bay, or it's just a sensory thing. Or, oh yeah, she'd say the earth is flat if it would help you buy a timeshare.

So, FCL finished showing us the grounds and finally brought us back to the "closer" (who was scarier looking than Kyra Sedgwick...you know...if that were possible) who was going to go over our options with us.

Now, obviously, I'm not interested in the place. And I guess I was acting bored (though it wasn't much of an act) and the following occurred:

Scary Kyra Sedgwick (SKS): And, as you can see by this snazzy graph, in thirty years, it's going to cost you 179,999 for a two week hotel stay.
Brent: Umm...if that were true, and we know it's not, wouldn't salaries have kept up with inflation to make it a moot point?
SKS: Listen...I'm just trying to do my job, so the least you can do is sit there and give me some respect. It's like when Alison here is teaching her class, she should have their respect and it should be the same way here.
Brent: (sits and contemplates going bitchcakes on her)
SKS: Wow...you look like you want to punch me.
Alison: (puts her hand on my arm to calm me down)
SKS: You really look like you want to punch me. But let me go over some more options we can do for you...

And, at that point, all we wanted to do was leave Hel...er, I mean Paradise Village...the funnest place on the earth!!

Sidenote: Of course they gave us our deposit back, we turned down the free tour gifts we were offered and the final football to the groin was they didn't give us enough cab fare to get back to our hotel, so we had to pay out of pocket for it....