Timeshare Tomfoolery...aka Paradise Village Hell

So, Alison and I just got back from our honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta. It was a great time, but I'm sure you don't want to hear about that. No, you want the funny.

Anyway, when you get through customs, there is a huge timeshare gauntlet that you have to navigate. But they don't let you know it's a timeshare gauntlet. So, we go through there and some guy goes "You with Expedia?" And we said yes, so he sent us to this overstuffed Mexican lady.

And she starts yippin' and yappin'. And we're tired. We just want to go to our hotel. And she keeps offering us stuff. And offering. Finally, somehow (I might have fallen asleep), I was giving her a $50 deposit to go on a timeshare tour the next day. Crag!!

Fast forward to the next morning...

We get up and take the 50 minute taxi ride to this place. Nice place. I mean...looked nice. Paradise Village is actually hell...you know...if hell looks nice.

So, they sign us up and say it will be 90 minutes. So, this French Canuck Lady (FCL) starts taking us around. Takes us to the glorious buffet (a tray of cold eggs, stale muffin stumps and OJ). While there, a "waiter" took our OJ order...and brought us the OJ.

Then, we get up to go on the tour. FCL says "They don't pay very well here, so can you leave the waiter a tip?" Tip? You're trying to convince us to buy and you want us to leave money? You can't afford the buck? I bet she took it while we weren't looking.

Anyhoo, she brought us around the grounds and answered our questions. Alison mentioned that she didn't like swimming in the ocean because there might be sharks. FCL said that there are no sharks in the bay. I don't know how they keep them out of the bay, or it's just a sensory thing. Or, oh yeah, she'd say the earth is flat if it would help you buy a timeshare.

So, FCL finished showing us the grounds and finally brought us back to the "closer" (who was scarier looking than Kyra Sedgwick...you know...if that were possible) who was going to go over our options with us.

Now, obviously, I'm not interested in the place. And I guess I was acting bored (though it wasn't much of an act) and the following occurred:

Scary Kyra Sedgwick (SKS): And, as you can see by this snazzy graph, in thirty years, it's going to cost you 179,999 for a two week hotel stay.
Brent: Umm...if that were true, and we know it's not, wouldn't salaries have kept up with inflation to make it a moot point?
SKS: Listen...I'm just trying to do my job, so the least you can do is sit there and give me some respect. It's like when Alison here is teaching her class, she should have their respect and it should be the same way here.
Brent: (sits and contemplates going bitchcakes on her)
SKS: Wow...you look like you want to punch me.
Alison: (puts her hand on my arm to calm me down)
SKS: You really look like you want to punch me. But let me go over some more options we can do for you...

And, at that point, all we wanted to do was leave Hel...er, I mean Paradise Village...the funnest place on the earth!!

Sidenote: Of course they gave us our deposit back, we turned down the free tour gifts we were offered and the final football to the groin was they didn't give us enough cab fare to get back to our hotel, so we had to pay out of pocket for it....