F you LCS...

OK, I just watched the new Last Comic Standing from Thursday. It was terrible. Not the comics...who they picked. I decided to do a scientific study to see if they made the right choices, so I recorded every name and, following that, is how many times I laughed during their set. The ones that are bolded moved on...

Adam Hunter - 1
Phil Palisoul - 4
Jeff Dye - 0
Erin Foley - 3
Dan Naturman - 6
Lioz Shem Toz - 0
Dale Jones - 1
Erin Jackson - 2
God's Pottery - 0
Ron G. - 0
Drennon Davis - 3
Winston Spear - 0
Shaniz Mirza - 0
Paul Foot - 0
Andi Smith - 3
The Meehan Brothers - 0

As you can see 4 people who I didn't even laugh at moved on!! And one guy I laughed at once!

There were 7 comedians who generated more laughs individually than this group delivered collectively. I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I hate you.

Dentist...

So, I'm at the dentist yesterday, getting my teeth all scrubbed brushed, when I had the following "conversation" with the dental hygienist...

Dental Hygienist: You're not a smoker right? Or wait, you are? Are you?

SERIOUSLY!?!?!? You're looking in my frickin' mouth and you can't tell if I smoke or not? Doesn't smoking rot the crap out of your teeth? Have my teeth got the crap rotted out of them??


Now, I feel like I'm walking around with my teeth looking like this:

Guess who's going to be Mayor of Not Smilingville? It's me!!

Vote for change!!

This is as political as I get, but I just have to implore you vote for change this November!!

You all know what that means...vote to get rid of the 5 dollar bill and instead, use 5 dollar coins! Think of all the benefits we'll get when we vote for change:

1) Everything will be the same, except for one thing...$5 coins!
2) $5 coins promise not to weigh you down, but let's face it, they're made of metal
3) You can't possibly be happy sticking with $5 bills, so why the hell not?
4) $5 coins would vote for you!
5) $5 coins are way, way better than Susan B. Anthony $1 coins...er wait...$5 coins already won that battle...

Ahhhh...sarcasm at work...

Phrackin' Priuii

On my drive back from Lawrence yesterday (6 hours and 59 minutes door to garage-door-that-some-lady-plowed-into) I noticed an inordinate amount of Toyota Pruisusis (or Priuii) on the road. This led me to two conclusions:

1) There are an inordinate amount of modiots (moronic idiots) on the road
2) Those things do not go faster than 55 mph

I'm especially sure of point one, but I'm especially sure of point 2.

Not fun to follow them when you're trying to make sure you average 70 mph...or you're just driving in general...

You're all going to judge me now...

So, anyway, you know what I love to do that both

a) others wouldn't think of
b) or if they do think of it, it wouldn't be a something they plan out

Well, we get the Sunday paper and we leaf through the coupons, trying to find good "deals".

And, sometimes, I'll find a coupon where you get $1 off if you buy two deodorants at the sames time.

Then, I'll take that coupon to my local Target and go to their deodorant section.

In that section, I'll go to the part that I have the coupon for. Now is where my excitement comes in.

I'll check that section of the section to see if they have any two packs (because you need to buy two to use the coupon).

Normally, they will have two packs.

Then, on those two packs, I'll see if any of them are on clearance.

Most of the time, there are some on clearance. Oh fudge yes! YES!!! YES!!!!!!!

So, using that method I get triple the savings on normal priced deodorant!

1) I get $1 off
2) I'm "buying in bulk", so I get that discount
3) The "bulk" pack is on clearance, so there's that discount

Basically, when I leave the store after doing that, I feel like Jesse James and the police are going to come track me down because I basically robbed Target blind.

Now, if only the gas is costs me to go pull off this deal wasn't more than my savings. Hmmm...maybe they'll have coupons for gas next week...

Please don't think less of me...

An oldie but a goodie...

So, this is a story from years and years and years ago.

In between two games of a baseball tournament, my dad took a me and a friend to McDonald's for a nice little pick-me up between the games.

Our "waiter" (I guess I've never really thought about what to call the person that takes your fast food order. Is it a waiter? Order taker? Senor? I don't know. Not the point) was an oversized black guy. Oversized like Chris Farley oversized (I'll call him OCF for short). Enormo.

And here's how the order went (with my thoughts in parentheses)

OCF: Welcome to McDonald's. What do you want?
Brent: Um...
Brent: I'll take a 9 piece chicken McNuggets, a large fries and a large Mello Yello.
OCF: We don't got Mello Yello. We got orange.
Brent: (Hmmm...I wasn't aware that the next logical choice to Mello Yello was orange drink. Maybe you're assuming that I just want to drink a color. I don't know. I'm scared.)
Brent: Sure, I'll take that...

And that's how I ended up getting sick from orange drink. Never ordered it in the first place, will never get it again.

I realized this wasn't funny once I typed it, sorry. Seemed like too much effort to not publish it...

Gah!

I think everyone is happy for KG (kind of) but are we done with this Boston thing yet? Why the crap is one of the most annoying places on earth the center of the sporting world all the sudden?

The only good thing to ever come out of Boston is CT, and he's a loud, annoying, arrogant punk. And that's the best thing.

Man, do I hope the Red Sox sign Barry Bonds when they find out Ortiz won't be back and he brings his unique brand of "humor" to the clubhouse and the fade in the pennant chase.

Also, here's to hoping the Patriots fall back to the pack in the NFL and struggle to a 8-8 season!

Huzzah!

I'm famous....

but not that famous. So, if you're going to send me a letter via the United States Post Office, please, please, please put more than the following:

Brent N
MG, MN

Otherwise, there is NO chance it's getting to me and it's going to be returned to you. I understand this is common knowledge for MOST of you...but it's not for ALL of you.

And that's the truth...play on player...

I think...

I might have eaten too much last night. Now, I know I could have eaten more, and thi is not at all impressive, it's just a list...

1 - Caesar Salad
2 - pieces of bread
1 - side of cheesy mashed potatoes
1 - 20 oz prime rib
1 - 12 oz ribeye
3 - bowls of cookies and ice cream (2 cookies to a bowl)
3 - balls of cookie dough

Mmmmmm....gorged!

U-Hauls...

I know it's stupid, but wen you guys load U-Hauls, do you look at it like it's a human sized version of Tetris and try to fit everything in just so.

Yeah...I don't have the Tetris theme song in my head when I load them either. Totally don't...

Idiotic Commish...

So, I know this "guy" who is in this "fantasy baseball league" (it's really not me) and the commish of the league set it up with a really poor rule (only 700 innings allowed for your pitchers; traditional leagues all 1,200).

So, this "guy" I know watched all the other players run up huge inning totals, as they were oblivious to the rule. He watched his innings, since he knew of the rule.

Well, finally, this "guy" decided to let the others in on the rule and then try to trade for some of their worthless pitchers on the cheap (a good strategy). However, this caused a fervor in the league.

Now, since only 1 guy noticed the rule, the commish wants to change the inning limit to 1,500. The "guy" has argued and argued. Then, the commish sends out this final e-mail:
The max innings thing is on the same line as an ad for a tv show on tbs. It's clear that it wasn't obvious, otherwise someone would have caught onto it earlier than they did. This was not a rule that I put in there, and no one agreed to it. If yahoo had some rule where if you have a player hit exactly 41 homeruns, his homerun total goes back to zero, I think the response should be to let everyone know and decide what to do about it, not to keep quite and try to take advantage of the situation. You might think that this is a ridiculous example, but not much more ridiculous than a 700 innings cap for an entire season.

OK tool-hole, here's MY responses to that:

1) It's in the rules.
2) If we're changing rules now, can we also add retired players and their stats from other seasons? I call 1941 Ted Williams!!
3) I use the traditional spelling of "quiet" while you use the untraditional spelling of "quite". However, you keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
4) Listen up crotch, just because you and your cronies can't read the rules, it doesn't mean you can change them when it suits your needs.
5) Obviously you picked the rules. Just because you're easily distracted by an ad for the Bill Engvall Show, it doesn't mean it's not a rule anymore. Tool.
6) You 41 homer example is retarded. But say it is in the rules...THEN IT'S THE RULE!
7) Picture this, bases are loaded, two men out. Melky Cabrera comes up and hits a fly ball that lands on the warning track. The run scores and everyone starts heading in. In his excitement, Bobby Abreu, the runner on first, doesn't go to touch second, instead decides to go man-hug Melky. Nick Punto notices that, runs out to the warning track, grabs the ball, runs it back in and touches second. Abreu is out. Run does not score. But it's obvious the run should count right? No, BECAUSE THE RULE SAYS IT DOESN'T! Just because only one person noticed it and used it to their advantage, it doesn't make it not the rule. Do you think Joe Girardi is going to appeal to the commish because he didn't like the outcome? No, he'll suck it up because, I'm sorry I sound like a broken record but, IT'S THE RULE.

OK loser. Seriously...you're an idiot.

You know...

So, I'm sure you're all watching The Bachelorette (Alison and I can't be the only ones).

And I'm sure you all saw when she sent two people home in the "most shocking two on one date in Bachelorette history!"

And, I'm sure it dawned on all of you that DeAnna did the same thing to Fred that Brad did to her; made him think he was moving on and then dropping the hammer.

And, I'm sure you all think DeAnna is as big of an idiot as I do.

Seriously...she's dumb. Not much more to say about that...I hope she picks creepster Jeremy, because I'm sure that will work out.

Stupid 8 year olds...

So, I rarely (RARELY) make fun of 8 year olds (because about a third of them can beat me up and the other half intimidate me) but when you say something stupid, you're going to get the business, whether you're 8 or 80 (right Petredis?).

So, I'm sitting at my computer, minding my own business, trying to figure out which guy to recruit in my sim football game (don't you DARE judge me...) when I hear these two little twits RIGHT OUTSIDE THE WINDOW!

They're about 8 or so. One kid, we call Skateboard Kid (MORON, for short), because we don't know his name and he typically comes with a skateboard. The other kid, I'd never seen before. I will call him 8 Year Old D-Bag (judging....) which will be 8YODBag for shortish.

So, MORON and 8YODBag and sitting outside and I caught the following bits of their conversation:

8YODBag: Yeah. That's awesome!
MORON: Totally. And then, when we grow up, we can have stripper wives!!
8YODBag: Awesome!!

Then, a bit later...

8YODBag: Right on...
MORON: Totally. And then, I'll probably get paid in frogs!!
8YODBag: Awesome!!

Idiots. Stupid 8 year olds...think they know everything...er...wait a minute...did he say stripper wife? Hmmm....

I don't get it?

Now, I know you're all watching The Mole? Which leads to the obvious question...who in the world is The Mole?

I have no idea, I'm not going to have any idea, and when they announce it at the end, I'm probably not going to care.

But I care right now. Darn it!

Sikes...who is it?

LCS does it again!

They're done it again. I don't get it. Last Comic Standing did not send the funniest person from San Francisco to the semi-finals last night. What's their deal? They sent those crap Irish brothers there, so maybe, just maybe, they're trying to find the next Dat Phan.

I hate you LCS.

Hate. You. (as if it's a person)

360 BILLION DOLLARS...

I know this is old news, but the picture gets me everytime.

I mean, honestly, what in the world is this guy expecting? Even $360,000 would be excessive. I can't even comprehend what this guy was thinking. It's like a single mom who decides to share a mobile home with a child molester (new...this fall...on The CW...your place...FOR CRAP!!); what are you thinking??

Anyway, this is probably what was going through his mind as he was writing this check out:

When he probably should have been thinking about something like this:

Touch of Gray?

Have you seen this new Just for Men commercial for this product called "Touch of Gray"? Apparently, people got weirded out at Just for Men because one day you're Bob Barker and the next day you're Rick "The Model" Martell. So, they made a product that slowly morphs you into a younger version of yourself...so no one will notice.

But that's neither here nor there. In this commercial, they flash to this old dude who had apparently used this product and he's out surfing with some other old chick (who I can only assume used Touch of Gray - Woman Style!) and they zoom in on him and here's what he says (I've taken their picture off the Touch of Gray website and added in what he says):

Never trust anyone over 90??!?!

What in the world is that supposed to mean? Is he 90? Does he hate old people? Does he think he's 16 now and is hocking No Fear T-Shirts?

I don't understand for one second what they're going for, except for the fact that these two aging hippies are creepin' me out. Nice peace sign folks!

Maybe in your next commercial you can turn on your TV and mention you shouldn't trust anyone without TiVo (hahaha...you're hip and young with fading gray hair! You rule!)

Apparently...

the Minnesota Zoo is out of penguins at the moment. And I'm a bit upset. This is after the Phoenix Zoo was also sans penguins. Very disheartening.

I don't even know if people go to zoos for any other reasons than to see penguins and, possibly, koalas. Everything else is...meh.

So, zookeepers who are reading this (I'm talking to you Rusty) please give zoo-goers what they want...NOW!

Kites...

So, I was looking at this ad on craigslist (weird) and it seemed to me that this was a little excessive for kites, seeing as they're about $4 at Target.

Then, I realized it was for a complete Kiteman (you know, kind of like a merman, except it has the legs of a man and the body of a kite) and then it all made sense...