Governor carded...

So, the governor of Washington was not allowed into a bar, Hannah's, the other day because she didn't have ID to prove she was legal to drink.

As you can see, the governor is 61. She really shouldn't be carded. But whatever. Here's the quote from the owner of the bar...

Hannah's owner, Todd Ruzicka, says his 23-year-old part-time bouncer needs more training.

And Lasik. Much, much more Lasik...

You know what I hate...

when you go out to eat, you order a burger, and they put shredded lettuce on it. What's the point of that? All it is is super messy. Then, if you want to dunk your burger in ketchup, all the lettuce falls out and you get gross lettuce-ketchup, which makes it seem like there's ketchup there, only it's all between little shreds of lettuce, so you can't actually sop any of it up.

It's all a big mess and it would probably be better if places outlawed this practice. I know I'd feel more comfortable if they did...

I KNEW IT!!!!

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I freaking knew it!!!

So, I was watching LCS yesterday (thank you TiVo) and Jim Tavare was on there, doing his bit. I knew I'd seen the set somewhere before. When he did the man sawing off the wooden leg bit, I thought he'd stole it, because I remembered it from somewhere.

But where?

It started to bother me. And kept nagging at me. I couldn't figure it out. I honestly lost sleep over it last night (please, don't judge me).

And then, this morning, quasi-refreshed, I figured it out.

Remember on Wings when Helen wanted to become a comedian? And she had her cello as her side-kick? And there was that guy that went on at the Club Car, right in front of her? I know that's where he stole his bit from.

Then, I did the research and found the episode. Turns out, that was Jim Tavare.

So, apparently, he's been doing the same bits since February 27th, 1992, which was the original air date for the episode of Wings titled "Take My Life, Please."

Now, for your enjoyment...Mr. Jim Tavare!!

Friend for life...

So, Alison and I were watching this show yesterday, some crap like 48 Hours Mystery or Dateline. Whatever. Not the point.

So, we're watching the show and this (moronic) lady says the following (emphasis added by me)...

"She could have been your friend for life. She could have still been your friend in ten years."

She could have been your friend in 8 minutes. She could have had a horse. She loved puppies. But most of all, she never, ever smelled bad. Potato salad...

SNL creates slogans?

OK, so we all remember when Jerry Seinfeld was on SNL and hosted the skit called Stand Up and Win!

Apparently, Mr. Grape Nuts was watching that recently, even though it's from about 10 years ago.

Whatever...here's the quote from Stand Up and Win!

Bobby Wheat: "Cereals", for $200: "Grape Nuts - You Open It Up, No Grapes, No Nuts! What's the Deal?"

And here's the new ad campaign for Grape Nuts: http://www.nograpesnonuts.com/

Apparently someone in their marketing department actually is an adwizard.

Amazingly enough, I also heard that the Oprah Winfrey show is going to go with the new slogan:

"She's fat, she's thin, she's fat, she's thin - I mean, come on, pick a body and go with it!"

Awesome!

Thank you Mr. Sikes, for the heads up...

150K!!!!

Did you read about the "bride" who got the 150k judgement in her favor, from a jury, because her husband called off their wedding?

Seriously? Seriously? Isn't that a pretty slippery slope you're creating there? I mean, I can understand you getting something if you got married and then got divorced.

If that's the way it's going, pretty soon some dude (most likely Danhof) is going to get sued for not calling a girl after their first date. I mean, it won't be 150k, but it might be 10k.

It's probably going to get to the point that you have to wear duli-eye patches so you don't even make eye contact, since eye contact can be construed as a form of commitment, hence something that you can be sued for.

So...

So, apparently our housing development has some sort of lightbulb law and if your lightbulb out front is burned out, they replace it...FOR 10 DOLLARS!

Now, these are not magic light bulbs. hese are just regular ones...like you buy at Target for $.65. So, they have a pretty sweet profit margin on them.

And it's nice, because it's easy to check if it's burned out, since they're on an automatic timer and you go to bed before they're actually on...um...wait...you mean I can't check them? But, then how do I know to go to Target and get the $.65 light bulb?

Ohhhh....you mean, you just don't say anything, never have any proof the light bulb didn't work (or was even replaced for that matter) and then send me an invoice for $10? Good to know.

I think you might want to know that that invoice might be on your A/R aging for quite some time...

ROCK 'N ROLL MCDONALD'S!!!!!!

If you think I'm not stopping there to eat, you sir do not realize that:

McDonalds is the place to rock

It is a restaurant where they buy food to eat

It is a good place to listen to the music

People flock here to get down to the rock music

Rock and Roll McDonalds

Rock and Roll McDonalds

Rock and Roll McDonalds

Rock and Roll McDonalds

McDonalds will make you fat

They serve Big Macs

They serve Quarter-Pounders

They will put pounds on you

Rock and Roll McDonalds

Rock and Roll McDonalds

Rock and Roll McDonalds

Rock and Roll McDonalds

McDonalds hamburgers are the worst

They are worse than Burger King

A Big Mac has 26 grams of fat

A Quarter-Pounder has 28 grams of fat

Rock and Roll McDonalds

Rock and Roll McDonalds

Rock and Roll McDonalds

Rock and Roll McDonalds

Americana...

So, this weekend, I got to go on a little trip to the heart of America; Galesburg, Illinois. What I learned while I was there is that America is incredibly overweight, teenage kids LOVE having...um...kids, you can smell Bea Arthur from ANYWHERE, and people are very surprised if you spend money on any sort name brand whiskey (apparently, Evan Williams is in heaven here).

Wakka wakka

When we were up at Ben and Jodi's cabin, somehow the toilet got plugged (I swear it wasn't me). Anyway, when Ben got it unplugged, it made the sound Fozzie Bear makes "wakka wakka". Fantastic! Ruined only by the fact that Ben did not know who Fozzie Bear was. That hurt...

I Can't Believe Someone Said That!!

A new segment on my blog...when I read something that is unbelievable, it will be featured in a segment called "I Can't Believe Someone Said That!!"

"Heidi wants to perform for the troops in Iraq, and if anything goes down while we're there and they toss us a gun, we want to know what we're doing," says Spencer Pratt about Heidi Montag.

I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE SAID THAT!!!!

Scattergories...

So, I've found yet another reason that I'm destined to spend all of eternity with Emilio Estevez in Hell.

The other night, we were playing Scattergories, and you're going to see the interesting twists and turns my mind takes when playing that game.

As everyone knows, the goal of the game is to figure out an answer that has as many words possible staring with the given letter for the category (there...I think I've summed it up in about the most confusing way possible...also, to solve a Rubix cube, you want to start by moving the middle side topwise...).

So, we start and the letter happens to be T. Normally a pretty easy letter, as lots of things start with T (examples...in case you're an idiot...tricycle...um...toy...).

I start heading down my list, knocking out answers like Bill Nye knocks out science.

Then, I come to "Things that are black."

Yep...I'm sure you guessed it.

My answer: Tony Toni Tone
That's three points right there! And some disgusted stares from my fellow competitors!

Hey, BO guy...

Note to BO guy at Target...here is the list of social conventions you were breaking while you were smelling up the Target...

1) Do not talk on your cell phone and ignore the cashier while she's trying to get you to pay for your items. Though you may think you are, you are not important. You can set up your date with Trannies 4 U later...

2) Do not walk around with the most foul smelling BO ever. You smelled like a gallon of milk, left behind a heater, next to Dustin Diamond. Gross!

3) Do not buy your beer at Target. You know that's not real beer, right? Right? Too busy to stop in across the street? Eh...I'm sure it will roofie up as good as a real beer, right?

A message to turtles...

I'm pretty sure I've had enough of you. Oh, I know, I know. You have nature's body armor. You don't care how fast you move. You think the highway is your way.

But, you'd pee on me as soon as look at me. And in my book (though, this would be different in Madonna's book), being peed on is a bad thing...

You know what makes you feel like a big man?

When you bring your cat into PetsMart to get groomed. NOTHING more masculine than that. Good times. Good times. I'm sure everyone wasn't staring at me, holding Klyde on the was to the grooming section. I'm sure they were staring at my awesome Petredis t-shirt I fashioned with sharpie. Or at least I have to believe that to keep myself from crying...

New T-Shirt I want...

So, I was thinking yesterday, this would be a pretty sweet t-shirt.

What it would have is a little kid, who's holding an ice cream cone, but in place of the ice cream is a picture of Petredis's head (so, essentially, it's a Petredis cone) and the little kid will have a thought bubble coming out the side of his head that says "Oh, barf!"

I think that shirt would pretty much rule...um James...make it happen!

Hell's Kitchen...

Maybe it's the way they portray them on the show, but it never seems like the "chefs" on there are very good. Even Christina, who won last night, seems like she'd be a great chef...at the Hamburger Hamlet, alongside Jorge and Juan.

But it makes for good TV.

Some highlights from last night

- Matt telling Gordon Ramsey to "shut the f up". Now, I gained a lot of respect for Matt there, since if I were in that kitchen, I'd probably be half-messing myself the second Gordon looked at me. However, Matt is still a hillbilly.
- Jen being a biz. For a linecook, she sure thinks she's sweet. At least she can back up her words with her cooking, er...um...at least she's not fa...er..um...at least...I got nothing.
- Petrozza and Bobby almost making out...or I guess that wouldn't be a highlight...or would it?

Man, have I sunk back into the unfunny zone...too much LCS...

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

By now, it's not even a surprise, but I keep thinking it won't happen.

Last Comic Standing has chosen terrible people...yet again! I can't wait to see who the next Dat Phan or Josh Blue is! It's going to be incredible. Indelible. Inedible? Unwatchable...

I'll probably still watch it and complain some more...I'm like an old couple at Denny's...

Why do people take me anywhere?

So, I went on two vacations over the 4th of July weekend. Vacation #1 was the vacation I took to Benny's cabin. Vacation #2 was the vacation I took from cleanliness.

I really don't understand why anyone would want to go anywhere with me...

Catfish chokes on soccer ball!

Newsanchor 1: And, in the lighter side of the news, a catfish choked to death on a soccer ball tonight!
Newsanchor 2: Hahahaha, yes, that's correct. A six and a half foot long catfish was found floating in a Berlin canal today, after apparently trying to swallow a soccer ball.
Newsanchor 1: Police spokesman Karl-Heinz Kuberlein said, "He tried to eat the ball and it got stuck. Whether the fish was caught up in soccer ball fever in the aftermath of the European championship and hence snapped at the ball can unfortunately not be determined."
Newsanchor 1: Hahaha...yes. It's true...who knows if he was a soccer fan. In related news, 8 people were killed in the riots that followed the game.
Newsanchor 2: pause
Newsanchor 2: Tragic, tragic news...
Newsanchor 1: About the people dying, or the fish dying?
Newsanchor 2: Yes.
Newsanchor 1: pause
Newsanchor 1: Next, a little story about a hamburger that can take a bite out of you!!!


Reference: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25481891/?GT1=43001

Landis Jennings?

The answer is: what do Floyd Landis and Ken Jennings have in common besides being identical twins and humongous cheaters?

The question is: who are two people who have never been in my kitchen! Take that Jeopardy! Long live Cliff Claven!

So...

I'm looking at US Weekly and on the cover, in one of the side photos, you see a caption that says "I realize I'm too skinny" from 3rd Rock's Kristen Johnson (right).

Now...she may or may not be too skinny, but isn't there a point where you can't say they're from a show from the 80's? Is that all she's known for? And how sad is that? You're not going to see a caption that says:

21 Jump Street's Johnny Depp "I love eyeliner too much"

No, you'd see something like:

Pirate's of the Caribbean's Johnny Depp "Eyeliner done done me right"

So, basically, Kristen Johnson, since you're reading this, you might want to look into getting a new job so you don't have to starve yourself to get on the cover of magazines.

Just my opinion...though it's correct