A game I would be TERRIBLE at...

So, I was looking on Target.com, trying to find a new board game. What I really wanted to get was Outburst. However, the only edidition of Outburst they had was this:




Yep...Outburst: Bible Edition. I'm not sure if there could have been a worse game for me. I have a feeling I wouldn't get one right.

It would be like on the Simpsons:

Ned: Well...?
Todd: I know!
Ned: No, son, we've got to let Bart and Lisa get one. Come on, this one's easy.
Lisa: [pause] We give up.
Ned: Well, guess! Book of Revelations, fire-breathing lion's head, tail made out of snakes...who else is it going to be?
Bart: [unsure] Jesus?
Ned: [yelling] Je...Jes...don't you kids know anything? The Serpent of Rehaboam?
[the kids look blank]
The Well of Zohassadar?
[the kids look blank]
The Bridal Feast of Beth Chedruharazzeb?

Free Obama?

Not to be confused with "Free Hat" from South Park...hopefully:

Louie Anderson does Anytime Fitness ads...

So, I'm watching TV while eating my breakfast when I almost had oatmeal come out of my nose. I was staring mindlessly at the TV when Louie Anderson (yes...LOUIE ANDERSON!!) doing a commercial for Anytime Fitness:

Seriously...LOUIE ANDERSON? The same Louie Anderson who tried to pay a male prostitute $25,000 for sex? That Louie Anderson?

Who was the ad wizard who came up with that one? Who turned them down, Pee Wee Herman? Was Rosanne busy that weekend?

I don't know...maybe I'm wrong. But, for my money, Louie Anderson does not inspire me to work out. He barely inspired me to want to play the Feud and I loved that show!

I'm not sure if there could be a less motivating thing than picturing Louie Anderson doing crunches. Maybe Madonna on the leg adduction machine? (BARF!!)

Damn it...I just gave them their new advertising campaign....

The big reveal...

Well, James went back through his archives and found a picture of me from rush, wearing my bucket hat. And who's that attractive fella next to me? My twin? Hmmmmm...

Late breaking news!!

I'm sorry to break the news to Mr. Billiam Sikes, but his favorite band, Billiam, has disbanded. From Sikes discovery of them on June 17th, 2008 :


until they decided to part on October 28th, 2008 (forever to be known as B-Day), Sikes spent hours and hours watching their videos, learning their songs and memorizing their dance moves.

This one's for you Sikes!

Michael Irvin is stealing from my blog!

Man, it's that time of the year again, when someone decides to steal my blog ideas.

I don't know if you've heard, but Michael Irvin is producing a reality show where the winner gets a spot on the Cowboys training camp roster.

That sounds very similar to my idea from April of 2005, except in mine, it was in an NBA 10 day contract on the line.

I still want my show made. TNT and NBC, I know you got people lurking out there. Make it happen!

and give me a cut of the proceeds

Idiots...

So, Alison and I are in Marshall's, going through their shoe section. And I come upon the following shoe:

Yep, that's right...that's a SIZE 20 SHOE!!!

How in the world did that get there? Are they expecting Ndudi Ebi to walk through the door and need a new pair of kicks? Did someone mean to order a size 10 and accidentally hit the 2 instead of the 1? Or, do they always keep a pair of those in stock...just to say they can outfit everyone at their shoe department?

Regardless, I almost bought them...

Why I love sim sports...

So, I'm scanning the WIS message boards and read the following:

01/18
mojolad
Yah. Nelson is quickly becoming a legend. He reminds me of a great sports star that amidst a small group of the best in their game, rises above and beyond even that group; like Gretzky in hocky or Jordan in Basketball.

Yep...little things like that make me feel awesome in my own little nerdy world...

Hillbilly Dinnerware...

So, I'm finishing up all the old Smart Ones in our freezer, since otherwise I'd have to throw them out, and I'm too cheap for that.

So, I'm looking at the side of the box and see this:

What kind of hillbilly is going to take that little plastic tray they have in there, clean it out and then re-use it to serve different food on? And, if I find that out, I want to party with that guy!

Bermuda Triangle Detector

So, Alison and I are watching the History Channel and there's a story on the Bermuda Triangle. They're interviewing all the quacks and they follow around some guy who made a "Bermuda Triangle Detector".

That's right...a "Bermuda Triangle Detector".

Luckily, YouTube has captured this for you:

Unfortunately, you can't see the label on it. Because it looked something like this:
You know...real official like.

I know what's on everyone's mind right now:

Where do I get my own BTD?????

But, the biggest question is, how in the world did he test it?

Was he just sitting in the lab, pointing it at random objects to see if it went off?

OK, let's get this experiment going. First, I'll point it at the toaster. (silence). OK that checks out. The toaster is not the Bermuda Triangle. Next, I will point it at the TV. (silence). Awesome. As expected, the TV does not contain the Bermuda Triangle. Now, I'll point it at my crotch. (silence) Fabulous! There is NO Bermuda Triangle in my crotch. Whelp. Testing completed. I think I'm going to go play some Q-Bert (points BTD at Q-Bert). (buzzing sound). Holy cow! Q-Bert is the Bermuda Triangle! Wait till I tell Stephen Hawking about this one!!

At least, that's how I assume it went...

Feces-throwing monkey on the loose in Tampa Bay

Thanks to Will Sikes for pointing out this article:
---------------------------------------------
Feces-throwing monkey on the loose in Tampa Bay

CLEARWATER, Fla. (AP) — Wildlife officials said a rhesus monkey known to throw feces when mad is on the loose in Tampa Bay. Authorities have been trying to capture the primate since Tuesday afternoon, but it managed to evade a bucket truck and tranquilizer dart.

Gary Morse with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the adult male is thought to have escaped from an unlicensed source. It was last seen in Clearwater.

The monkey is not considered dangerous.
---------------------------------------------
I think there are two things wrong there:

1) Since when do you send a bucket truck to capture a monkey? A bucket truck? If I had been the one in hot pursuit of this poop monkey, I would have used a banana truck. BANANA TRUCK! Monkeys like bananas, not buckets. Mooncalves.

2) And this monkey is not considered dangerous? Since when is poop to the eye not dangerous? Pink-eye people. Pink-eye!!

What am I, an idiot?

Well, kind of. But not the biggest idiot in this story.

So, I sold a CD...and just sent the case. I realized it two days after I sent the case. Mark one down for being an idiot for Brent. So, I sent the person an e-mail, letting him know what happened:

Somehow, I forgot to put the CD in the case when I sent it. The CD will be going out today. Sorry for the inconvenience...

Then, I get the following response back from him:

Please just make sure it is mailed in a case so it does not get damaged.

Really? REALLY? Put it in a case? I hadn't thought of that. I was just going to write the address on the disc and slap a stamp on it. Luckily, I read this e-mail first...

At least it's sunny...

Suck A weather.com. Suck A.

Inappropriate name?

So, by now, most of us have seen the commercial for the Snuggie:

Now, why in the world would they name their product after this?

Might as well call your new product the Runs...

Christmas tree from Heck...

So, two years ago, Alison and I were in our first year in our house and we required a Christmas tree for the holidays. We were at Costco and saw one that was decent, plus it was in bulk, so we got it!

We put it up, and it was okay. Not great. Then, Christmas ended and we needed to take it apart. Therein lies the rub. The sucker is supposed to be in three parts and I could only get the top 4th off (yes...3rds and 4ths...follow). So, the rest I had to jam in a box and lug it down to the crawl space where it wouldn't fit right.

The next year, I had to go into the crawlspace and get that monstrosity out. So, I get it upstairs and put it up. Luckily, since it sat lopsided in the box all summer, it was now lopsided. So, we looked like we got the bad tree from the lot.

Then, the holidays were over and I had to go through the same song and dance as the year before. And hated every minute of it.

So, this year rolled around and the stupid thing had gotten one year more lopsided. It was almost upside down. It was gross. Yet, we had it up. Like morons.

So, a week ago rolls around and I go to Target to find a new tree. Luckily, everything was 90% off, so I found a new tree for $12.99 (I'll let you do the math to find the original price).

Then, I had to find a way to get rid of the corky tree (shut up...don't judge...). Since I couldn't get it apart (you might remember that from the beginning of the story), I had to figure out a way to get it outside, to the trashcan, without cutting my hands all to crap.

So, I had to get out my bolt cutters (yes, I have bolt cutters...don't front) and cut off each and every one of those farkin' limbs.

Now, why did I tell this really long story? Because the trashman just came and picked that thing up and I never have to deal with it again!

Unless, of course, the new tree gets lopsided. But what are the odds of that happening for $12.99??

Best diss...

So, this is a pretty painful memory, but resulted in the best diss I've ever heard. There was no comeback to it and it left me stupefied...

Back in college, we had rush at the fraternities. Basically, the freshman walk around, trying to get accepted at certain houses while the members of those houses secretly pray that the process will be over soon so they can go back to playing NFL2K2.

What you do is walk into a house and one of the brothers greets you, gets your name, gives you a nametag and walks around the house and talks to you.

Most of the time. Sometimes, they just want to make you feel like a douche.

So, I walk into this one house. I'm feeling pretty sharp. I have my jeans and a polo shirt on. And, oh yeah, I was wearing one of those bucket hats. I know...I know. Bad fashion misstep, but seems like it would be forgivable.

Wrong.

I close the door behind me, turn around and the greeter looks at me and says:

"Nice hat Blossom."

Incredible! What the butt can you say to that? There's nothing. NOTHING! You just open the door back up, leave and throw the hat down on the porch. It's the only thing you can do. I know.

*For anyone who cares, this didn't really happen to me. It was actually a dream I had, which means either I'm just hilarious in my dreams or I'm mean. I can't quite figure it out*

Top 10 reasons to play girls hockey?

So, I'm at the gym and some chick is wearing a shirt that says "Top 10 Reasons to Play Girls Hockey" on the front.

And I started thinking, man...I can't think of many reasons to play girls hockey. Only one reason jumps out at me...

1) To Meet a New Girlfriend

And, sure enough, that was number 1!

Oh, boo all you want.

I know, I know, you don't need to be looking for a girlfriend to play girls hockey...some of them probably already have girlfriends and are satisfied with their relationship...

I'm Freakin' Patrick Warburton...better recognize!

As anyone who knows me (and if you don't know me, you should probably want to know me...I'm kind to animals and omit a pleasant scent most of the time) can attest, I like to wear many different "colorful" t-shirts.

Amazingly enough, Alison doesn't think someone who's almost 30 should be wearing an "I'm With Creepy" t-shirt. Can't fight that logic.

So, over the past few months, my old t-shirts have been slowly disappearing, or are "being retired" as I like to call it.

I wasn't sure what was going to happen with these gems. But then, like Patrick Warburton on Rules of Engagement (which needs to be brought back ASAP...F you, CBS), I was surprised with a quilt made from many of the old t-shirts for Christmas!

Here's a picture for your enjoyment and a rundown of all the sayings on the t-shirts from the upper left to the lower right:

- CSC Football
- WOOD SHOP IS DOPE
- Haystak
- I'M WITH CREEPY
- DON'T BE A PLAYER HATER
- Mark McGwire
- The Golden Girls
- The Three Amigos (Vance Johnson, Ricky Nattiel and Mark Jackson)
- MC Hammer Concert Tour
- Dee-lightful Dee Brown
- LET'S CHILL OVER THERE AND WAIT FOR THE DEER
- 2005 ESPN Fantasy Baseball Champion
- I KNOW JOE SARVO
- MOM YOUR GAME IS WACK
- I'M YOUR #1 VAN
- U CAN'T TOUGH THIS (back of MC Hammer concert shirt)

8 year old breast feeding?

So, Alison and I are watching 20/20 and we hear this deranged chick talking about how it's normal to breast feed kids up to the age of 8. 8!!

She goes on to say, "You'd be surprised by the number of people out there that think like this."

And I thought about that. I am surprised that anyone out there thinks like this, and she does, so I guess she's right; I am surprised by the number of freaks out there...

The new fad for 2009!!

OK, now as we all know, for the past few years, we had the Trucker Hat fad. Ashton Kutcher claims he invented it. Yeah, I know...he's a d-bag. Whatever. Not part of the story.

For the past few years, I thought eye patches would take off as the new trucker hat. I really did. You can even tell from this post from June 11, 2005:

The man slowly turned his head towards me. It was at that moment I realized he was wearing an eye patch. He must have the same feeling I do; the eye patch is going to be the Trucker Hat of 2005.

Alas, it appears that Tom Cruise (and I suppose Ja many, many moons ago) are the only ones who agreed with me.

But, I've come to see the error in my ways. It's not Eye Patches that are going to be the Trucker Hat of 2009. It's Fancy Eye Patches that are going to be the Trucker Hat of 2009. Accessories fool! Just you watch...


That's right, Slick Rick, history is going to repeat itself...and I'm reaping the benefits...

Worst comedian ever...

For New Year's, Alison, my parents and I went to see Lewis Black. Typically, he's a pretty funny guy. But, apparently he's decided to forgo comedy and become preachy instead. Which is great. If you're paying for someone to preach to you. Alas, most people at a comedy gathering are not.

However, at least he was a little bit funny. His opener is/was the worst comedian in the whole world. His name is John Bowman and he inspires zero laughter. He's just like Dustin Diamond, if Dustin Diamond were someone I wanted to stab in the face with a butter knife. And, of course, he's not. I love Dustin Diamond. He's great.

I've attached a video of this douche. Watch at your own peril. Ugh. John Bowman...you suck.