St. Louis Park Town Meeting

I parked my car in the near vacant parking lot at Lenox Community Center. I looked at my watch to make sure I wasn’t early. I wasn’t. It was 6:55, right on the dot and the monthly St. Louis Park Town Meeting was scheduled to take place in 5 minutes. I reluctantly got out of my car and ambled towards the center. I opened the door and followed the signs that said “Town Meeting this Way!! Go Town Meeting!!!” Apparently, the person who made the sign’s enthusiasm did not carry over into the actual meeting.

I walked through the threshold of the door and saw a teacher’s desk at the front of the room. A tall man was seated behind the desk, wearing a judicial robe and staring at the heavens, as if waiting for a sign.

In front of his desk, there were eight kids school desks lined up in two rows of four. These are the kinds of desks we had in second grade, where you lift the top and put all your folders, pens and silly putty inside. I wasn’t sure I would be able to fit in one of them, but it didn’t look like I was going to have a problem finding a seat. Only three of the desks were occupied at the moment. I snuck into the back left desk and looked to the man on my right.

He appeared to be homeless, but I can’t say this for sure. There’s also a chance that he just likes to carry around a ton of “treasures” in a bindle and smell like a combination of rotten eggs and burnt toe jam. He was wearing a Mets hat, so I thought I’d reach out and make conversation with one of my fellow St. Louis Parkiacs.

“Hey, did you see the Mets signed Beltran? I’m not sure it’s so good for him, but it’s great for the Mets. I hope he can handle the pressure in the Big Apple.” I said, putting on my best “please don’t shank me homeless stranger” face.

The man slowly turned his head towards me. It was at that moment I realized he was wearing an eye patch. He must have the same feeling I do; the eye patch is going to be the Trucker Hat of 2005.

Apparently he couldn’t see me very clearly, because he never responded to my light banter. He reached into his desk and pulled out a flask full of Evan Williams. He took a mighty pull out of the bottle and put the flask back into his desk without even offering me a tug. So much for camaraderie. He then proceeded to lay his head on his desk. I was going to ask him another question, but the man in the judicial robe banged a green, over-sized, novelty hammer on the desk. Apparently that meant the meeting was starting.

“OK, thank you all for coming,” started the man in the judicial robe. “As you probably know, I am Judge Clarence Witherford and I preside over these monthly gatherings. I also sell life insurance and we all know you can never have too much life insurance. Am I right? Right? Right, right, right?”

I looked around the room, wondering what in the world possessed me to make my voyage here. The homeless man to my right hadn’t moved yet. I think there is a possibility he has died and moved on the next life. The way this meeting is going, I kind of envy him.

The woman seated in front of me looked exactly like Jessie Spano from Saved by the Bell, if Jessie Spano were 4’11”, 300 pounds and black. This woman probably could have started for the Broncos. If I had to describe her in one word, it would be “powerful”. This woman was looking straight ahead and taking notes. I think she was writing down every word the Judge was saying.

The man seated at the end of the front row raised his hand.

Judge Clarence “You’re recognized Barney.”

“Thank you, sir. My name is Barney Smith and I want to present the first order of business. Proposition 14H-T. ‘To change the St. Louis Park High School mascot from the Oriole to the Mocking Bird.’” said Barney.

“Very interesting. Could you please make your argument?” The judge seemed genuinely interested. The homeless man stirred. Maybe he is just passed out. I searched in vain for a poking stick to check on him, since I didn’t want to get any diseases on my hands.

“Certainly Judge.” crowed Barney. “The Oriole has had a good run, but Baltimore is the rightful owner of the mascot. I think we need to look ahead and not behind. No one has a mascot of a mocking bird…”

“That’s because it’s stupid.” said the Jessie Spano-looking woman.

“That’s because it’s stupid.” mocked Barney.

“What?” asked Jessie.

“What?” repeated Barney.

“Why are you repeating what I say?”

“Why are you repeating what I say?”

Jessie looked at Barney and burst into tears. She sidled out of her desk and waddled out of the room as fast as her pudgy little stumps would take her.

A satisfied smile crept over Barney’s face. “See, that’s why we should have a mocking bird as a mascot. Think about all the humiliation we can cause opposing teams cheerleaders at football games! It’s outstanding! Incredible! Undeniable! Indisputable!”

As the Judge started to nod his head in approval, I slowly removed myself from my seat. I didn’t want to cause any alarms, but I knew I had to get out of there. This was all too surreal. I slowly backed out of the room, smiling like I thought the idea Barney had was great. Once I hit the door, I turned and ran like Carl Lewis in Seoul.

In the end, I’m pretty happy I attended the town meeting. I got to meet some neighbors and I got to see a man wearing an actually eye patch. I don’t think I’m going to go back to another meeting though, because I really didn’t care for the way the judge acted all high and mighty; like it was his meeting or something. What a blowhard!