Dear Webster Long,

This is a little embarrassing because I’ve never written a letter like this before. It’s just that I feel such a kinship with you, it transcends all known boundaries. I feel like we have developed a closeness that very few humans can even describe. I am sure the feeling is mutual.

I have watched you from afar for years, but I’m sure you know that. I think we have so much in common, it makes my teeth hurt! Though I am neither short, nor black, nor did my parents die and leave me with an ex-NFL football player. Come to think of it, maybe we don’t have that much in common. But I’m sure our mutual love of Transformers and Garbage Pail Kids will get us through the tough times.

I’ve always wondered; how cool was it to have a dumbwaiter? If I had a magic genie and he only could grant me three wishes and there was none of that “wishing for more wishes bull”, I know exactly what my three wishes would be. My first wish would to be able to set the world record for largest beard of bees. My second wish would to be able to have a pen that could write in two different colors at the exact same time! Can you imagine the possibilities? And my third wish would be to live in a house, for even just one night, which has a dumbwaiter! I don’t think that’s too much to ask for. But my magic genie hasn’t appeared yet. So, when I stop over to visit you the next time, hopefully we can play in the dumbwaiter.

Enclosed, you will find a 5x7 I took of you eating a Happy Meal at the McDonald’s in Queens. It looks like you were having it with a cheeseburger. Savvy choice my pint sized friend. Please sign it and send it back to me. I am your biggest fan!

Signed,
Brent Nelson