Scattered Eggs

You know how when you get pulled over, you have that brief adrenaline rush where you think “I can beat these guys” and you think about trying to run from the cops? But then you realize that they’re gonna track you down and basically pull a Zed on you when they catch you. So, you cave in, bow to the pressure and pull over, because it’s just going to make it easier in the long run. Do you think that’s the feeling Chris DiMarco got when he found out he was in a playoff at the Masters and then found out it was against Tiger Woods?

You have to be a certain kind of guy to be able to pull off the Miami Vice look nowadays. “Out of work” comes to mind.

If I were going to go back in time and compete on American Gladiators, I think the one event I would want to do is the Human Cannonball against Laser. I’m not saying I’d beat him, but I think that would give me my best chance at victory.

If Chris Sabo could do it all over again, do you think he’d still wear the Rec-Specs? Or do you think he’d bite the bullet and get some contacts?

Has there been a better game show host than Ray Combs? If so, I haven’t seen him. Looks, personality, charm; that man had it all. If it wasn’t for his unfortunate suicide, he would have had the greatest life ever. Man, I bet he rolled over in his grave when he saw Al from Home Improvement was hosting the Feud!

I can’t imagine dating Jenna Jameson. How in the world could she not judge me? And if she says I’m the best, how can that not be a lie? If she says I’m the 1,459th best she’s had, how is that not disheartening? It seems like a lose-lose situation to me.

If I were to cross-breed any two animals in the world, it would definitely be a parrot and an elephant. I think that’s pretty obvious. I won’t even argue about that one.

You know you’re hard up for entertainment when you go running down the stairs to watch your roommate put a piece of rotten chicken down the garbage disposal. Not that that happened. I’m just sayin’…that’s the exact millisecond when you know you might want to get a life.

I don’t think I could ever bring myself to make out with a girl who was wearing a do-rag. That’s below even my standards.

If I were Jim Abbott, there is no way I go out to the mound without a hook on my nub. No way in hell. Why is this even a discussion? If you have a nub, cover it up. I don’t care if you want to go old-school pirate hook, over-sized novelty foam finger or a spork; get something on there!

I don’t think anyone ever took Oil Can Boyd seriously. Some people would say it’s because he went by Oil Can instead of Dennis but I think it had to do with that fugly blue glove he wore on his 1988 Topps card. Talk about a career killer!

Speaking of 1988 Topps, was there a more overrated item on a baseball card than the little “All Rookie Team” gold cup in the lower right corner? Jeez, the way I tried to trade for those, you would think that was made out of actual gold. I can’t believe that Mike Greenwell, Ellis Burks, Kevin Seitzer, Matt Nokes and the whole lot of them have made me nothing. Thanks a lot Topps. I guess I can take those cards out of their cases and toss them in the trash along with my garbage pail kids and sense of self worth.