Stupid stuff...

So, my head burn has started peeling and now my whole flippin' head looks like that damn spot on the side of Rasheed Wallace's head! What is that thing anyway? If I were him, once I got my millions that would have been the third thing I would have don; gotten that fixed! What are the first two? World's biggest gold car and the perfect turkey sandwich! Go cheese!!

So, when you walk up a hill, do you ever find yourself walking on you tiptoes, pretending to be a velociraptor? Ummm...yeah. Me neither.

If you had a choice between being a chipmunk, or a chipmunk with X-Ray vision, I think I'd pick being the chipmunk with X-Ray vision everytime.

I think we're all a bit disgusted with Lindsay Lohan. She's looks like Jessica Alba, if Jessica Alba were a pasty piece of crap who weighs 84 pounds and would have sex with a tree for the right price. You know, they're like twins.

I don't know who greenlighted that new Martin Lawrence movie "Rebound" but whoever did should be shot. Do you think the people on set knew it was going to be the worst movie ever? They had to at least have an inkling...

You're a dickfore...

...if you still have a Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker on your car; the election is over, so get over it.

...if you burned your head this weekend and complained to everyone about the oozing coming out of it; no one wants to hear it.

...if the gold in your mouth is worth more than many Americans houses; seriously, think of something else to do with your money.

...if you know the difference between a Light Saber and a Light Sabre; the force may be with you, but I'm willing to bet there aren't too many chicas.

...if you think I stole this bit from Jeff Foxworthy; you're right, but don't be such an ass to me.

...if you give yourself your own nickname; dude, nicknames are given to you by friends or enemies and you're a total douche if you nickname yourself.

...if you think bowling is a sport; hell, I love bowling, but have you ever seen a 'Beer & Pizza' football league?

I'm an idiot.

I cut my hair pretty short last Tuesday night. This is what I do about every three months since I'm cheap and don't want to cough up the 8 bucks to go to Great Clips. But that's neither here nor there.

No the point of the story is it was hot out this weekend. Like a raging inferno trapped within' the depths of hell, all covered up in a simmering pot in a giant's oven while he roasted the whole thing on a spit above a roaring fire. So...you know...hot.

Along with the heat of eternal damnation, there is this little thing called "The Sun". If you're...um...alive, you've probably heard of it. It's that giant yellow ball in the sky. Well, it emits these amazing things called "sunrays". When these "sunrays" hit "exposed skin" it "burns" the "skin". I hope it's all coming together for you.

So, with the amount of time I spent out in "The Sun" catching "sunrays" and the lack of protection on my head, I now have blistering 8th degree burns throughout my whole cranular region. So, for the next two weeks, I will be complaining about this as my head starts to peel. And good times will be had by all...

Why I Hate Shannon Stewart

Now, as everyone and their monkey knows, I hate Shannon Stewart. Anything he does something remotely good, like hit a double so he's one behind Juan Castro on the season or makes a routine catch look tough, I get a ribbing on how good he is. Which is fine. But the whole point of why I hate him has been greatly overlooked.

The reason for my hatred of Shannon Stewart is a monetary issue, not a performance issue. He is performing as well as could possibly be expected this year for an outfielder who is below-average defensively and slow. I mean, he's probably going to hit .300 and have a career high in homers. All the talk Bert and Dick are throwing about the All-Star game is Twins related hooey, but he is slowly becoming adequate. Which is nice.

The problem is, we're paying 6 million dollars for a guy who is adequate! We are spending 10.5% of out payroll on someone who can be described as "eh". He's like NCIS...average! Yet we're spending this huge amount of money on him when we're on a budget. Does this make sense? We could have Lew Ford starting out in left and putting up very similar stats, for only 385k! Are you kidding me?

What could we get with that extra 5.615 million? We could have another starting pitcher instead of Kyle Lohse (who is making 2.4 million by the way...but that's a different rant). Think about it...which would you rather have...Stewart in left, Ford DHing and Lohse on the mound or Ford in left, LeCroy DHing and Kenny Rogers (9-2 with a 1.98 ERA) on the hill? And we're not even taking into account not having Lohse ont he team!!

So, you can obviously see what a drain on the team Stewart is. So, if he can continue to keep up his "heroics" and continue on his rise to mediocrity, maybe we'll have a chance to trade him for a decent starter! And remember when Stewart is back next year in the final year of his deal, he'll be the 5th (5th!!) best outfielder on the team, because Jason Kubel is going to tear it up.

Now that we have this all settled, and we can all hate Shannon Stewart for all the right reasons, let's all go grab some PLego's and play nice. It's the Wal-Mart way!!

BBQ Friend Scale

Friends are like going to a BBQ...they all bring different things. But, there are four definite levels of friends, just as there are four definite levels of people who come to a BBQ.

1. The person who brings the main food (burgers, brats, dogs, etc) - This is the kind of friend you want around all the time. If this person is going to be somewhere, you want to be there too. This is a person who gets your sense of humor and can fly out with their own jokes (or jokes you get) on a consistent basis. You're constantly having a good time around this person. If you find a girl that reaches this level, that's the kind of girl you want to date. Not too many people reach this level of friendship.
2. The person who brings a sidedish (chips, potato salad, etc) - This is the kind of person who you're happy to see, but you don't go very far out of your way to see them. If you ask if they're going to be there and the answer is 'yes', your response is cool. This type of person is sometimes funny, but you're never sure if they're going to say anything great. You always have an okay time with them, some better than others. If you're having people over, you want these people there too.
3. The person who doesn't bring anything - This is the kind of person that you can take or leave. You don't really have anything against them, but you don't really want to see them. They're just kind of there. If they were a TV show, they'd be NCIS. They would essentially be a last resort to turn to on a Friday night.
4. The person who doesn't bring anything but takes food anyway - This is the kind of person you have to watch out for. They'll be standing there, you turn your back, and all of the sudden, two burgers and an ice cream sandwich are gone. This is the kind of person that will make you think twice about going somewhere if they're there. They make you praise the inventor of caller ID. When you see them, your soul dies a little. Most of the time, you would rather have your head run over by a Yugo than converse with them. I think we all know someone like this.

Why??

Right before I go to bed, I always have different strange thoughts, like who would win in a foot race, Bam-bam Rubble or Elroy Jetson (Bam-bam would win) and why did Zack take Kelly back even though he knew she would cheat on him again (ummmm...she's hyper hot...that's why).

So, the other night, I'm laying there, trying to fall asleep. Then, I start to wonder, who would I choose to date if both Keira Knightley and Natalie Portman both wanted to date me. What a dilemma! I didn't know what to do, and I started getting worried that if I didn't choose one, they would both find better options (I know, I know, you're thinking 'Better options? Please Brent.' But believe me, there may be better options out there than me) so I had to figure this out quickly.

I did a quick run-down of cons and pros of each of the lovely ladies. It went like this

Keira Knightley

• Con - British
• Pro - Wicked hot
• Con - Uses the word 'fat cow' to describe herself
• Pro - Looks like Natalie Portman
• Con - Only 19
• Pro - Only 19
• Con - Would probably make me live in British-land
• Pro - Might have a castle in said British-land

Natalie Portman

• Con - Vegetarian
• Pro - Wicked hot
• Con - Way into religion
• Pro - Hyper smart, since she went to Harvard
• Con - Wants to give up the acting, which would leave The Brent out of the spotlight
• Pro - Looks like Keira Knightley
• Con - Wants to live in Israel
• Pro - Might have a castle in Israel

In the end, after that exhausting list, I looked at the clock, saw it was 4 a.m. and realized that I'd just wasted 4 hours trying to figure out the answer to a question that was never going to be asked anyway. Swat that. So, I went to sleep.

(I ended up picking Natalie Portman for all those keeping track. The British thing and the Vegetarianism cancel each other out, and they look very similar. The deciding factor was that I think there's a much greater chance that Keira Knightley let's herself go once she reaches her mid-30's. It's more of a gut-call, but I'm normally right on issues such as these. It's good to have talents. Go Bacon!!)

Cruising with Jesus??

So I'm driving down the street and I see one of those crappy PT Cruisers ahead of me. Which is all fine and dandy, I don't judge people for what they drive...or how much of a hippie they are. Regardless, this one had something wrong with it. On the back window, there was a saying going all the way across..."Cruising with Jesus."

Get it? Since they were in a PT Crusier, and they were right with the Lord, they were "Cruising with Jesus." Ahhh...so clever. So clever it made me dry heave a bit. This goes right along with the lame Ford Focus I saw that said "Focused on Faith."

If I see a Honda Accord rolling down the street that says "According to God." I may open up fire. It's at least a 75 percent possibility. Bacon and hot links for all!!

Uncomfortable walk...

This morning, I was walking around Gays Pond (as the pond with the possible Homersexual Swing shall henceforth be called) and I was caught in a quandry. There was a middle aged lady walking about 7 feet in front of me. And she was walking at a perfect pace. Which left me with two options...

• Slow down so she can get a more comfortable distance ahead of me
• Speed up so I can pass her and not feel like a stalker

As you can all probably guess, I chose option 'C', which was to follow her for about 15 minutes at the 7 foot distance. I'm sure she felt like I was stalking her, because even I was feeling uncomfortable, and I was the one who was doing the following.

Finally, when I couldn't take it anymore and there was a chance she would turn around and ask me what the hell I wanted, there was a fork in the path and I took the path less traveled. Just to get away from her.

But, unfortunately, I found out why it was less traveled. It actually led into a poison ivy patch and, long story short, the doctor bill is looking like $800.

(This is a completely true story, except for the poison ivy patch and doctor bill. I used my imagination on those. Go imagination! It's your birthday!!)

My Book...

So I have finally decided to start my book. I have talked about this for a long time, as anyone around me probably knows. Through my desparate boredom and need to have some sort of long term goal, I have decided that now is the perfect time to write a book. Hopefully I can follow through on this as I have with numerous other ideas I've had, such as

• Playing baseball in college
• Finishing my screen play
• Applying to graduate school
• Updating my resume
• Talking to more people
• Not watching 8 hours of TV a day

Ummmm...uh-oh book.

I was in line...

for over 15 minutes at TJ Maxx today, and there was only one person ahead of me. They had a pair of swim trunks that apparently didn't have a price on them. So, they had to have a manager come over and do a price check on them. Now, if you don't know, a price check in TJ Maxx involves going back to the many clearance racks and seeing if there is another of the item. When there isn't another one, they kind of guess at a price. So, they ask the woman if she'll pay 12 dollars for them. And the woman says they look like 10 dollar trunks. But the manager is adament that they are 12 and this woman will only pay 10. I was about two seconds from grabbing a Jefferson out of my pocket and throwing it up there to end all the madness. If I hadn't found the sweetest Twins hat in the world, there is no way I would have kept waiting there. They should offer some sort of snacks to those people in line, so everyone isn't bitter and partially homicidal when they get to the register. Something to think about. Maybe.

Possible Homersexual...

I was walking around the pond near my casa this morning when I noticed something I had never seen before. Right in front of the pond, in a prime pond-watching space, was a swing. Which only makes sense, because if you're going to watch a pond, you want to be in a prime spot. What makes this swing different than any other swing I've ever seen was that there was a metal rainbow above it.

That's right...this was a swing specifically dedicated to homosexuals. Now, I'm not judging anyone and what two dudes (or superior hot-chicks) do in the privacy of their house. The problem arises when we start segregating the homosexuals and the straight people.

This is very reminicint of the 50's. It's like segregation all over again. Now, I admit, this isn't as big of a problem as there was in the South, but this isn't right. I don't think I should have to sit in an unprime location if I want to watch the ducks on the pond, just because I'm not gay. Hopefully the City of St. Louis Park will look into this issue and either construct a completely new swing in a comparable location and vantage point or they will take down the "Rainbow Swing" and stop this injustice for our citizenry.

St. Louis Park Town Meeting

I parked my car in the near vacant parking lot at Lenox Community Center. I looked at my watch to make sure I wasn’t early. I wasn’t. It was 6:55, right on the dot and the monthly St. Louis Park Town Meeting was scheduled to take place in 5 minutes. I reluctantly got out of my car and ambled towards the center. I opened the door and followed the signs that said “Town Meeting this Way!! Go Town Meeting!!!” Apparently, the person who made the sign’s enthusiasm did not carry over into the actual meeting.

I walked through the threshold of the door and saw a teacher’s desk at the front of the room. A tall man was seated behind the desk, wearing a judicial robe and staring at the heavens, as if waiting for a sign.

In front of his desk, there were eight kids school desks lined up in two rows of four. These are the kinds of desks we had in second grade, where you lift the top and put all your folders, pens and silly putty inside. I wasn’t sure I would be able to fit in one of them, but it didn’t look like I was going to have a problem finding a seat. Only three of the desks were occupied at the moment. I snuck into the back left desk and looked to the man on my right.

He appeared to be homeless, but I can’t say this for sure. There’s also a chance that he just likes to carry around a ton of “treasures” in a bindle and smell like a combination of rotten eggs and burnt toe jam. He was wearing a Mets hat, so I thought I’d reach out and make conversation with one of my fellow St. Louis Parkiacs.

“Hey, did you see the Mets signed Beltran? I’m not sure it’s so good for him, but it’s great for the Mets. I hope he can handle the pressure in the Big Apple.” I said, putting on my best “please don’t shank me homeless stranger” face.

The man slowly turned his head towards me. It was at that moment I realized he was wearing an eye patch. He must have the same feeling I do; the eye patch is going to be the Trucker Hat of 2005.

Apparently he couldn’t see me very clearly, because he never responded to my light banter. He reached into his desk and pulled out a flask full of Evan Williams. He took a mighty pull out of the bottle and put the flask back into his desk without even offering me a tug. So much for camaraderie. He then proceeded to lay his head on his desk. I was going to ask him another question, but the man in the judicial robe banged a green, over-sized, novelty hammer on the desk. Apparently that meant the meeting was starting.

“OK, thank you all for coming,” started the man in the judicial robe. “As you probably know, I am Judge Clarence Witherford and I preside over these monthly gatherings. I also sell life insurance and we all know you can never have too much life insurance. Am I right? Right? Right, right, right?”

I looked around the room, wondering what in the world possessed me to make my voyage here. The homeless man to my right hadn’t moved yet. I think there is a possibility he has died and moved on the next life. The way this meeting is going, I kind of envy him.

The woman seated in front of me looked exactly like Jessie Spano from Saved by the Bell, if Jessie Spano were 4’11”, 300 pounds and black. This woman probably could have started for the Broncos. If I had to describe her in one word, it would be “powerful”. This woman was looking straight ahead and taking notes. I think she was writing down every word the Judge was saying.

The man seated at the end of the front row raised his hand.

Judge Clarence “You’re recognized Barney.”

“Thank you, sir. My name is Barney Smith and I want to present the first order of business. Proposition 14H-T. ‘To change the St. Louis Park High School mascot from the Oriole to the Mocking Bird.’” said Barney.

“Very interesting. Could you please make your argument?” The judge seemed genuinely interested. The homeless man stirred. Maybe he is just passed out. I searched in vain for a poking stick to check on him, since I didn’t want to get any diseases on my hands.

“Certainly Judge.” crowed Barney. “The Oriole has had a good run, but Baltimore is the rightful owner of the mascot. I think we need to look ahead and not behind. No one has a mascot of a mocking bird…”

“That’s because it’s stupid.” said the Jessie Spano-looking woman.

“That’s because it’s stupid.” mocked Barney.

“What?” asked Jessie.

“What?” repeated Barney.

“Why are you repeating what I say?”

“Why are you repeating what I say?”

Jessie looked at Barney and burst into tears. She sidled out of her desk and waddled out of the room as fast as her pudgy little stumps would take her.

A satisfied smile crept over Barney’s face. “See, that’s why we should have a mocking bird as a mascot. Think about all the humiliation we can cause opposing teams cheerleaders at football games! It’s outstanding! Incredible! Undeniable! Indisputable!”

As the Judge started to nod his head in approval, I slowly removed myself from my seat. I didn’t want to cause any alarms, but I knew I had to get out of there. This was all too surreal. I slowly backed out of the room, smiling like I thought the idea Barney had was great. Once I hit the door, I turned and ran like Carl Lewis in Seoul.

In the end, I’m pretty happy I attended the town meeting. I got to meet some neighbors and I got to see a man wearing an actually eye patch. I don’t think I’m going to go back to another meeting though, because I really didn’t care for the way the judge acted all high and mighty; like it was his meeting or something. What a blowhard!

More Cowbell

Is our softball team name. And we are the biggest bunch of sucks who have ever sucked in one place together at once.

If we were a band, we'd be Nelson.

If we were a movie, we'd be Batman & Robin.

If we were a baseball player, we'd be Shannon Stewart and Kyle Lohse's genetically-made son, who sucks in a synergistic way; he sucks more than both of those bastards put together.

That's us. We're More Cowbell. We play on Thursdays at 7. We wank. G'Night.

Wise Words

"I'm just planting the seed. Planting the seed to let it grow later." - Steven Pieklik

"...a lot of truth is said in jest." - Eminem

"You can't turn a ho into a housewife fool." - Snoop Doggy Dogg

"I feel like a doormat with legs." - Brent A. Nelson

David Spade is a wise man

From David Spade's "Take the Hit"

"So, I break up with my girlfriend. Of course, I trash her to all my friends and family. My mom's like 'She was sweet.' and I said 'Oh, yeah, well...she hated you. Yeah, that's right. And sometimes she wanted me to, like, um, take drugs. Not quite the litte angel.' Of course, like 15 minutes later, we get back together."

Ahhh...isn't that the way it always works. That's good, clean, fun, prophet-related humor right there. He's like Nostradamus, except he's alive, funny and actually has predictions that come true. Word.

Is This Even Legal???

The girl I was seeing just broke up with me via e-mail. Via e-mail! Granted, we did meet on the internet, but we had been out 8 times. Doesn't that require a face-to-face breakup? Aren't there some guidelines posted out there somewhere? Didn't Miss Manners have a column on this? Unbelievable!

And she gave me the old "I want to pull away before I hurt you" routine. What the hell? Really? I can't even fathom this. But I should have seen it coming. This isn't the Red Sox coming back against the Yankees after being down 0-3. It's more like the Blue Jays sweeping the Royals; you know it's a definite possibility; you're just not sure if it's going to happen.

(I can not describe how happy I am to be living with Paul and Devo next year. For those of you who don't know, Paul is essentially a babe magnet and, since he has a girlfriend, there has to be some babe run-off I would think. And where does the babe run-off go once is falls off Paul? That's right...the roommates! Word! And, hopefully Carla can be a little bit of a hook-up...as long as I didn't creep her out too much in Duluth. I say too much, because I know she had to be a little creeped out :) Now, I've gotten all off subject. OK, back to my dating prowess...)

So, now the official score is not in my favor. Add this to my string of other unsuccessful dates over the past year and the relationship scorecard (this card has been verified and sealed with the proper approval of a U.S. magistrate while he balanced himself on the hump of a one-eyed camel) is not looking too hot.

I have had two one month relationships and a smattering of dates. I'd like to think it's all them, but eventually, you need to look in the mirror and say something might be wrong with you. But, my mirror just tells me I'm gorgeous! It also says I'm modest, so it may be a lying rat bastard, but I don't know for sure.

But, such is life, it will eventually turn around. I should make an infomercial.

I have no words

We got shut out in slow pitch softball last night. I thought it was impossible for that to happen to. We were so awful, it almost made me yack. It was an excruciating pain followed by moments of intense burning, like with the Clap. You know what I'm talking about. Well...I think our shot at the playoffs went out the door. Now, we need to work on not embarassing ourselves next week.

Yep

I hate when cars drive down the shoulder and don't merge.

I love when semi-trucks pull onto the shoulder to stop them.

I hate ice cream. (It's too cold!)

I'm scared of Weebles.

I appreciate a decent marinara sauce.

I can't believe anyone pays to see Yanni.

I believe Yanni and Gallagher are the same man.

If John Tesh and Yanni formed an un-holy adult contemporary alliance, I may pay to see that.

Stupid Question

The asker of this question shall remain anonymous, which shall save him from the public ridicule he rightfully deserves. We'll just call him Mr. Lee. No wait, that's too easy. We'll call him James L. There we go...

James L. - Can you think of anything to do in vegas that doesn't involve clubs, gambling, or strippers?

Brent N. - Um..yeah...how about just staying in Ohio? COME ON! Get the net man!! In all seriousness, there are buffets also. And heat. And not talking to girls. And losing money to fast dealing blackjack dealers. But, what you've mentioned is most everything. I hear the Hoover Dam is there. If you want to go there, I can do the honors of shooting you, since at that point, you will have lost all reason for living.