Pirate...

I have been thinking about a career change recently. Some would say that I should move into a more creative field than financial analysis and others would say I should stay right where I am. Still others don’t really know me and have no idea why they’re reading this. It may have to do with the mini-muffin basket I sent them, it may not. That is one of life’s true mysteries and we’ll probably never know the true answer. Kind of like in the Karate Kid and what in the world was Ali Mills doing with Daniel LaRusso? Was there some sort of elaborate prank involved? Was he going to wake up one morning, naked in the school parking lot? Had he screwed over her half-brother and this was her way of getting even? There must be some sort of rational explanation that the producers failed to mention during the movie. But I digress…

Now, back to the main subject of this piece…the possibility of a career change for Brent Nelson. I’ve looked in various fields, for various jobs, while taking into consideration job satisfaction, benefits and my ability to perform the job at a Roger Clemens level of achievement. I have come up with only one conclusion and I think everyone who is reading this knows what I am thinking before I’ve even said it.

The only job for me is a job on the high seas. No, my friends, I am not talking about becoming Pluto and performing on the Disney Cruise line, though that presents an excellent back-up plan. I am talking about becoming a pirate!!

Now, I’m sure this has been in the back of everyone’s mind for years. Who wouldn’t want to become a pirate? Look at the hours! Look at the benefits! Look at the midgets you’ll get to hang around! Who hasn’t thought of chucking this work-a-day world to live the life under the raised Jolly Rogers? I’m not talking about those new-fangled pirates, what with their speedboats, functioning limbs, lack of planks, perfect vision and nary a shoulder parrot to be seen. No, I am talking about the traditional pirate!

I am talking about a pirate who only bathes once a year, when they are pillaging a ship bringing spices to the new world. I’m talking about a pirate with gangrenous tissue on his leg from the amputation used to create the much sought after “peg leg”. The pirate I speak of has lost his hand and it has been replaced by an interchangeable hook/knife contraption, based on whether he is plundering or enjoying a nice eel dinner. Pirates who end up poking their eyes out with their hook and have to use a patch to cover the socket, lest he scare small children with the heinous hole in his face. Those are the kind of pirates I’m talking about. And, let’s face it, we all have thought about it and you’re all glad someone is finally doing something about it!

I think this is a very noble career change. Allow me to answer some of the unspoken questions I’m sure you have.

• Will you have a parrot? Yes, I will have a parrot. It will be able to speak 6 languages, fetch water for me and be sarcastic towards my captives. His name will be Chad and he will be blue, with an orange beak and x-ray vision. Pretty much the most perfect parrot you’ve ever seen.
• Will the ship have a plank? Yes, I will have two planks. One for the women and one for the men. There may be no segregation in the USA, but all bets are off in international waters. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is. I don’t make up the rules, I just report the facts.
• Will you have business cards? Of course I will have business cards. I will leave one on each ship I plunder, to make sure they know who took their stuff. This will allow the authorities to hunt me and I can become huge. Teddy Roosevelt huge!! Who wants to go through all the work of pillaging and plundering and have that half-assed pirate, Capt. Hook, steal all the glory? This is a must for pirates of the new millennium.
• What will your pirate name be? Phil. Like the groundhog Phil.
• Will you be a singing pirate? Of course. The crew will basically stick to show tunes, but will have a small cabaret act on special occasions. Dinner will be provided with the show, at a premium. Reservations are not required, but are strongly encouraged.
• How big are the cannons on the ship? We are not going to go with the extremely large cannons. The cannons on our ship will be based on “quality not quantity”. We’re not looking for people to be scared of the cannons; we’re looking to loot other ships with the sneaky quickness of out quality cannons. We are in talks with many cannon manufacturers, trying to work out the best deal. The cannons will also have two big wheels, like in the Civil War, because let’s face it; the best cannons are Civil War cannons. No doubt about it.
• What will the ship name be? Though we will have a democratic process to determine the name, the first thought is Karl’s Folly. Since I am the captain, and have the most hideous “peg leg”, my vote counts more than everyone else’s.
• What will the name of your crew be? Since we have a raised Jolly Rogers on our ship, Karl’s Folly, I put two and two together and came up with The Jolly Folly.
• Why would I join you as opposed to another pirate ship? Merchandising opportunities! Who wouldn’t want a Karl’s Folly T-Shirt, Jolly Folly action figures or a painting of the Karl’s Folly captain, Phil? This is where the upside is people! That and the looting.

Now, there is a simple reason why I am relaying this to all of you. I am looking for a crew to join me in my quest of bringing traditional pirates back to the forefront of the news. If you would like to help me, it would be much appreciated. So, if you’re unhappy in your job or you already have the requisite “peg leg”, contact me to join my small band of merry pirates. Singing and dancing ability a plus, but not required. If you have your own parrot, that is looked upon favorably. We are also looking for two midgets to entertain us and be our mascots. Extra benefits will be paid if you are an actual dwarf. Spread the word! We’re looking for a few good men (and some midgets)!