Nice Tide...

Nice job Tide. That's some savvy marketing...

The Set-Up

I believe someone has learned a very wise lesson when you are trying to set someone up with someone else. This should not be the lead when you are attempting a Set-Up. I don't know who these people are, but I was eavesdropping when I was at Target yesterday:

Person A: Yeah, I could never really figure out your type.

Person B: Well, I really don't have a type.

Person A: Hmm...I think I have someone perfect for you. Do looks really matter to you?

Person B: Ummmm...

When you lead with the "Do looks really matter?" question, no matter what else you say about the person, all they can picture is this him:

Unwell played...

Dr. Pepper is the McGruff of the pop world...

That's right, this coupon is void if it results from a "gang cut". Dr. Pepper, the Pop that's Tough on Crime...

Amazon is gonna need the coffin box!

So, I ordered a watch from Amazon. Nothing unusual there. Then, in two days (thanks Amazon PRIME), a box appeared on my doorstep. Not any box, mind you; this box:

As you can see, the box is twelve inches long (insert your own lame joke here Sikes). Remember, I ordered a watch. So, then I open the box, and this is what it looks like:

You can see the little watch box hiding out in the lower right hand corner.

In the following picture, you can see the HUGE watch I ordered, side-by-side with the completely adequate sized box they sent:

Now, I may not be a genius (insert joke about me possibly not being a genius here), but it seems to me that they could save some money by not sending such big boxes.

But what do I know, besides the fact that I ordered a book from Amazon today. Maybe they'll contact that coffin lady about her box??

Ear Towels...

OK, so I bought me and Alison some more Q-Tip brand cotton swabs (because the generic ones wang chung; there's no argument on that) because we were out. And, I looked at the back of the box because...well...I did. Here's the back of the package (look to the right).

It lists all the possible uses for Q-Tips, except for the one that people actually use them for!!

Don't give me this jump-n-jive about a "variety of uses". Yeah, variety if you mean sticking those fantastic little Ear Towels in my ears after I shower so I don't feel any dampness in my ears. I guess that's a variety of uses.

Here are their 4 suggestions for other uses; you tell me if you would ever use them for these:

1. Straighten Out Your Eyebrows - Yeah, like I don't have a little comb for that. O fer 1.

2. Clean Your Keyboard - I guess that would be okay, if I kept my computer in the bathroom. But I'm not going to walk all the way upstairs to get a Q-Tip when I can just clean the keyboard the same way people cleaned old school Nintendo's; by blowing as hard as you can.

3. Stabbing Your Baby in the Eye - This just doesn't seem right. I mean, typically you don't stab anyone in the eye, much less a defenseless little baby. Unless it's that evil Baby Bob (left) and then he probably deserved it...

4. Cleaning Scum Around Your House - If you're cleaning out scum around your house, you probably need something a bit bigger than a Q-Tip. Like maybe a vacuum or something like that. Think about it genius...

And they didn't even mention the delightful little Ear Towels!! Horrible...

Cruisin' Craigslist...

So, I'm cruising Craigslist, seeing what kind of crup people are giving out for free, when I stumble across this:
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**FREE** HUGE cardboard BOX

We just bought a new sink/countertop that was 60" X 22" and it came in this gigantic box that is still in very good shape. I hate to throw it away.

It is actually about the size of a coffin!

I am 5'6" and I can fit inside.

It is like a big gift box with a lid that slides/fits tight over the top--it does NOT have flap closure.

So, it is about as tall as me-a little taller-and 17" deep and 29" wide.
-----------------------------------------------------------

OK, Psycho.

• First off, no one wants a big cardboard box. That's what the trash is for.
• Second, why oh why would you descibe it as a coffin? Seriously...I suppose some cheapskate (who might be cheaper than me) might actually want to use it as a coffin, but the odds of them seeing the ad are remote, seeing as they would need to be dead to require it.Third, why were you inside of it, pretending to be Dracula?

You disgust me!!

Thank you website!!!

It's catching on! I knew it would. Go society!

What in the butt am I talking about, you ask. Good question there Poindexter.

What I'm talking about is the lame security questions websites make you fill out to protect your identity. You know, what is your dad's middle name, what street did you grow up on, etc.

But now, NOW, they finally have one that I want to answer...

WHAT SPORTS TEAM DO YOU LOVE TO SEE LOSE?

That was the question! How great is that? My theory of rooting against things is finally taking form!

Seriously...I think it's getting to the point where it's pretty likely that I'm going to get to vote against Obama instead of having to vote for McCain. Awesomeness!

Now, if I can just find a way to vote for the Warlord to do a running powerslam on A.J. Pierzynski, then my life would be complete!

*Sidenote* As I was doing research on what the Warlord's finishing move was that I used to love when I was little, I found out that one time on WWF Primetime Wrestling, he benchpressed 500 pounds 19 times. 19 times!! Yeah, I think if he were to running powerslam Pierzynski, there wouldn't be any of Pierzynski left...and the world would be a better place... *End Sidenote*

Grand Casino Hinckley's Famous Chicago-style Thin Crust Pizza...

So, as I mentioned, we were at Devo and Kati's wedding this weekend. Since it was out of town, we stayed at the Grand Casino Hotel in Hinckley, MN.

When we got to the room, I found the following flyer on the nightstand:

Now, I'm not even going to focus on the part that says "famous" as I'm sure the adwizard who came up with that line has already been beaten to death with a candy cane.

No...my focus is on what follows famous: CHICAGO-STYLE THIN CRUST PIZZA

Now, as we all know, Chicago is known for it's deep dish pizza. Even that moron Wikipedia knows that:

True Chicago-style pizza, a unique deep dish variety, features a buttery crust, cheese and chunky tomato sauce.

So, what are they trying to do here? Are their heads that deep in the sand that they think they can pull the wool over our eyes and convince us that their cracker-crust-crapfest is actually Chicago-style and no one would question a casino?

Or do they just think it sounds good? Like throwing a whole bunch of things together and hopeing someone goes:

Hey, I like Chicago style pizza! I should order!

and someone else goes:

Hey, I like thin crust pizza! I should order!

Some other menu items that, if they had them, I would also not order:

- New England-style Manhattan Clam Chowder

- White Castle-style Wendy's Hamburger

- Greek-style Enchiladas

- Wet-style Wheat Thins

- Massachusetts-style Marriage License (not that there's anything wrong with that)

You suck Grand Casino Hinckley.

The DJ...

Ahhh...this last weekend was Devo and Kati's wedding. A good time was had by all. But, what was especially fun was making fun of the DJ? Now, I normally enjoy making fun of people, but with sayings like this guy had, it was very easy. For example, what he said is in bold below and my witty comment is in red beneath that:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
- When you all walk across there, everyone will applause you...
Applause you? Really? That's what you're going with? Well played sir...

- OK, the wedding party will meet over by the, um, the, um...
We're still waiting! Where are we meeting?

- OK, we got 13 and another 5, for whatever that adds up to...
It adds up to 18. It's 18. Not too hard.

- Do you all want to see me break it down??
No!! No we do not sir!!

- Kati, come stand over here. (looks to his left) Oh, you're already standing right here.
Yep...keep your head on a swivel dude.

- Introducing...Joe and Kati...um...Jodoviak...
Might want to look into those reading classes instead of spending all your money on dirty bags of shake.

- I've had like thirty people request the ChaCha Slide...
Liar -- LIAR-LI-A-A-AR. "Electric Slide." She said, "electric slide," Max. My God -- You're afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired you, your confidence is shattered. What, Humperdinck? Humperdinck. Humperdinck. Ooo-ooo, Humperdinck --
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm sure I forgot some, but he was a genius...in the sense of giving me material to make fun of, and that's all I ask...

Bad Idea Jeans...

Good Idea - Buy champagne for your wife on Valentine's Day because she loves champagne
Good Idea - Chill it so it's cold when she gets home
Bad Idea - Chill it in the freezer
Very Bad Idea - Forget you left it in the freezer
Terrible Idea - Decide to open it in the house anyway
Horrible Idea - Not instantly running outside as it sprays everywhere
Good Idea - Showering off afterwards to get the champagne off your person

Yes...I am that stupid...

I'm romantic...and surrounded by morons...

So, Alison and I get the heart-shaped pizza from Papa Murphy's for Valentine's Day...you know...for love. As a sidenote, those are pretty popular, because the place was jam-packed. But that's neither here nor there.

So, I call up to make our order and this is what I get from Papa Murphy's Guy (PMG)...

Brent: Hey, do you guys have those heart shaped pizzas this year?
PMG: Yep.
Brent: OK, all I need is one of those.
PMG: It would probably be easier to just walk in; we have them pre-made.
Brent: Oh...and then you put the toppings on when I come in?
PMG: Um, no. They only come in pepperoni.
Brent: What?
PMG: They only come in pepperoni.
Brent: So, if I wanted a pepperoni and mushroom, you couldn't do that??
PMG: Yeah, I guess we could, but it would be extra...
Brent: Oh, is that how getting extra things works? It costs more? Thanks for the economics lesson...
PMG: Economics?
Brent: Shut up and make my pie!

Seriously, like I was trying to scam free toppings on this. Some places where this conversation would be similar:

McDonald's
Brent: I'd like fries with that burger.
McDG: Umm...that would be extra.
Brent: Right. I understand. I live in society...

Ticketmaster
Brent: I'd like two tickets to the game.
TMG: Umm...we only have single tickets.
Brent: Right. I want two single tickets.
TMG: Umm...that would be extra.
Brent: Correct. I undestand, I'm not an imbecile.

Best Buy
Brent: I'd like a dvd player with that TV.
BBG: Umm...that would be extra.
Brent: Yeah, I get it d-bag...

Cripes...I'd get a little fiesty there by the end...of dealing with people. Seriously...people are not cool...

Randy Jackson?

So, we're watching American Idol, you know, listening to Simon rip on people and watching anyone and everyone tower over Ryan Seacrest, when all of the sudden, the following happened:

Person A: Hey, did you guys know Randy Jackson is Michael Jackson's brother?
Entire Room: stares at Person A in disbelief
Person A: Well, he is.
Brent: Umm...no, he isn't.
Person A: Hmmm...well, someone told me that.
Brent: Well, someone lied to you...

Good times. Good times. I bet if Person A ever sees that guy again, he's going to put him in a comma!

The Dean Johnson Adwizards...

Ahhh...the Dean Johnsons Adwizards are at it again. Just when I thought they've reached their zenith with their balloon tied to the deck of the model, they go and totally redeem themselves!

And by totally redeem, I mean embarrass further everyone who lives in the Waterstone community to the point that I have to dress like the Unabomber, just so no one judges me.

What have they done, you may ask?

Instead of balloons, they have now taken a long string with flags on it and wrapped it around the big for sale sign outside the development. Then, to top it off, they tossed on about 45 million "closeout" signs to go with it. See below:

I mean, seriously. What kind of monkey team do they have working in their marketing crew? Did they hire two horses and an emu and call it good? I refuse to believe this isn't a joke. Maybe it's a gimmick used to get people to come in because they think no one could advertise this poorly. I don't know. I'm stunned. I feel like I've been put in a semi-colon...

I'm gonna put him in a comma....

So, Alison and I were watching True Life last night (damn...damn...damn you writers strike!!!) and it was called I'm in the System.

So, it follows these three dudes and shows how they deal with being in jail.

One of the guys, Stinky, goes to jail for 16 months for attempted murder when he shot at his neighbor for hittin' on his chick.

So, anyway, while he's in jail, his chick, ReRe, starts getting together with her old boyfriend, Big T. She has a guilty conscience though, so she tells Stinky about Big T. The convo (yep...convo, not to be confused with convoy) went something like this:

ReRe: So, I'm with Big T now.
Stinky: How you gonna play me like that? If you love me like you said, you won't go out there and you know, sleep with somebody elf. That's basically like saying, you know, I don't give a frick about Stinky.
ReRe: Yep, you're just my baby daddy now.
Stinky: When I get out, I ain't saying I'm gonna kill that person, I'm gonna go out there and just beat him, you know, to the point that he gonna be in a comma...

Dang...that's some rough stuff. I got put in a comma once. It sucked. I mean, not as bad as the time I got put in a semi-colon, but you gotta be a real man to put someone in a semi-colon...

20 piece mug set...

OK, so anyway, I'm in Target, trying to find a vortex to another world so I can escape the shopping. I've looked everywhere, to no avail. Finally, as I was just about to throw myself in front of a passing cart, I noticed something that intrigued me.

On the end cap (you know, where they put the stuff they really want you to buy) I spied a 20 piece Miller Lite Mug set for $19.99. Hmmm...not a bad deal I thought, if I were in the market for something like that, which I wasn't.

But, I know people who enjoy a good mug set and they might enjoy a 20 piece set from Target. Then, I got to looking at it closer. Here's the breakdown of what came in the 20 piece set:

* 1 Bottle opener (ok, that seems fine...do you really need more than 1?)
* 4 Miller Lite Mugs (ok, that seems okay, but we're only at five items here and there are 15 left to go. Something seems fishy)
* 15 Coasters

15 Coasters!!?!? What in the world are you going to do with 15 coasters? Have 3 of your closest friends over, give everyone a mug and then give 3 of the people 4 coasters and one gets the shaft because they only get 3? Are they afraid you'll lose them? Might there be a tragic coaster accident and they'll snap like so many twigs?

But why stop at 15? They seem like they grow on trees. Why not put 30 coasters in there...or at least a number that is divisble by 4 so everyone can have an equal amount on coasters. Cripes!

I don't mind that they put coasters in the set. That's fine. But let's not advertise it as a 20 piece set. If we're doing that, might as well count the box and the instructions (open beer, pour beer) as two more pieces and it's a 22 piece set. Hell...you'll get a receipt from the thing...that's a 23 piece set right there. Magic!!!

My Honesty Payment!!!

So, I'm going through my e-mail, and yet another spam letter has made it through. At least I think it's spam...
-------------------------------------------------------------
YOUR HONESTY PAYMENT.
FROM;THE CREDITS AND BILLS LIQUIDATION OF C.B.N AND BCEAO.
message codes;;00/cbn/bceao/002219/22/01/2008
May I use this juncture to notify you that new Government have Paid thebills which was thecause of the delay of your Payments,
and the Managements of CBN and BCEAOhas put yourfunds into a foreign draft, and find out that before the Draft willreach you it may get expireddue to the unreliability of the corrupted postal service here,
and wedecided to convert theDraft into Cash, (boxed money) the sum of $6.500,000.00 so to deliverit to you in Cash onyour Personal receipt at your DESTINATION in your country.
We which to deliver your Payment through this system to avoid another tress of K.T.T and soon all the necessary arrangements of delivering the $6.500,000.00 in cashto you has been madewith ROYAL ERRAND DELIVERY LIMITED YOU have to get in touch with ROYALERRAND DELIVERY LIMITED via email or telephone immediately.
Below are their contacts
Contact Person In-charge : Mr. Lyd Brown
TEL: 234 803 503 2573
EMAIL: ( c.b.n109@hotmail.com )P
Please Send them your contacts information to enable them locate youimmediately they arrivein your country with your CONSIGNMENT .*
Full Names.................*
Address. (not P.O.Box)..............*
City..................*
State.................*
Postal Code...........*
Phone.................*
Email................*
Age...................*
Occupation...........*
Marital Status...............*
Sex...............*
Nearest Airport.....................
Note... The ROYAL ERRAND DELIVERY LIMITED will contents of yourdelivery,it was aspecial registered -as a box of FAMILY TREASURES. Once-more ?
You willpay the R.E.D.Lfee of FORCE OF NATURE which is just $200.00 so that the detective agentswill not open theBOX for search while on transit, as the content was not disclosed;
please request for the tagof the said FORCE OF NATURE from the R.E.D.L, this is to avoid repeatingdelaying orMischeifing with your payments by any Governments agent while on transit.so be veryconfidential, and so let it be.
CHEERS ,
DR SAMUEL SODEH.PAYMASTER C.B.N & BCEAO CREDITS AND BILLS.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Now, since I'm sure you didn't read that, and most of it is unintelligible, but if I am due this honesty payment, why do they not have my name? I find that strange.

Also...is this guy British? Cheers at the end? Interesting...

Alsoalso, anytime I get spam -mail now, my first thought is, "I wonder if this is in regards to my honesty payment?"

Thanks Office Max...

So, we got the following in the mail yesterday:

Could they have been given a broader "map"? I mean...this is pretty good. But, they may as well have put the following for their ad, for all the good either of them does...

Name change...

Brent: Hi, we just got married in October and we need to change the last name on the account for Alison.
Balki: Oh, congratulations. Come on back.
Brent: OK, thanks.
Balki: All right. Now, do you have your marriage certificate?
Brent: No, but we have her new social security card with her new name.
Balki: Hmmm...that could be a problem.
Brent: Really? You know you need to have a marriage license to get the name changed on the social security card, right?
Balki: Yeah, but you need the marriage license to change the name on a checking account. Let me make a call.
Balki: On the phone, speaking in some language I couldn't understand
Balki: OK, they will only accept the marriage license.
Brent: You mentioned that we needed the marriage license to change the name on the social security card, which is a much more difficult process than changing a name on a bank account, right?
Balki: Yes.
Brent: And?
Balki: You come back Monday at 9 with marriage license.
Brent: Ugh. Fine.

Accident?

Alison and I were at Target last night and we walked by some guy who accidently had 6 GALLONS OF MILK IN HIS CART!!!

I say accidently because no one needs to buy 6 gallons of milk at one time. It's not like it's a staple and you can store it for long periods of time. I think he meant to get one gallon, or maybe a half a gallon and the rest just slipped into his cart...

Top 3 South Park Songs!

So, Alison and I are on YouTube, watching some South Park song videos, you know, What Would Brian Boitano Do? and You Guys Are My Best Friends. So, it's prety much a typical Saturday night.

Then, we click on a link that says "The Best South Park Songs"

We figured that might be good, since we were watching South Park songs. So, this video starts playing and it plays the first song, then lists the second song, and the third song was about to come up, when this appeared:

3th? 3TH????

Really? REALLY????

Scwirm??

Brent: Ummm....okaaaayyy...riiiiight.
Justin: I can see you scwirm in your chair from here.
Brent: Is that really how you think you spell squirm?
Brent: Wow.
Justin: Oh.
Justin: I was looking at it and saying, that's not it.
Justin: But I had a brain fart and couldn't think of the right way.
Justin: Wow is right.
Justin: That is bad.
Brent: You're making me skwormish just thinking about it...

Hmmm...the things spellcheck would help you take care of...