Things I Hate Week - Day 3

You know when you go to the grocery store and they have the self-service lines, so you don't actually have to have human contact? I love those.

What I hate are people with 2,000 items who go through there and also people who go through there who do not understand how to friggin' scan something!

I was at Cub yesterday and this moron was there, trying to scan some milk and he was scanning the top of the milk where there wasn't even a bar code! He just kept scanning and scanning and then, like in Scanners, my flappin' head exploded all over the place.

It sucked, he sucks, this post sucked. Not my fault...

Things I Hate Week - Day 2

Now, you know when you're sitting in a casual dining restaurant, where they have the bottles of ketchup on the table (not one of those "fancy" places that bring you out a little thimble of ketchup and you have to request 8 more thimbles to properly ketchup your fries) and the bottle is red? So that you can't actually tell how much ketchup is in the bottle?

Then, when your food comes, you reach for the ketchup, which looks full because it's been painted red, and it's empty, so you have to sit there as your food starts to congeal and wait for the waitress to come back and get you a bottle of ketchup that is actually full, not one that is painted full.

And if you're going to tell me to reach to another table and grab that bottle, there are 2 issues with that.

1) What if that bottle has the same issue? Then you look like a turd to everyone else in the whole place. Sweet idea.
2) I'm not paying $6.95 for my meal to move around. I'm paying that to sit. Faced!

Get a shovel...

Things I Hate Week - Day 1

So, yesterday, I'm sitting in Red Robin, going to the bathroom at the urinal. I look up and what do I see? Nothing. Wall. Plaster. Paint. No ads for me to look at. No sports page for me to read.

And it made me realize I friggin' hate that! Come on man, you can make ad revenue there and I need something to read while I'm there. It's just common sense.

And that little tidbit made me think I should dedicate this whole week to little annoying things that drive me lohan. Stuff you probably don't notice or don't care about. And you know what I have to say to that?

It doesn't matter. These are my gripes and you will read and enjoy about them this whole week. Tomorrow...I rant about ketchup bottles that suck crack...

Adult Tricycle?

So, I'm browsing Craigslist, as I am wont to do, when I came across the following:

This was listed under sporting goods, which I suppose it is. However, I'm not sure if he had another ad requesting adult diapers under general.

But I figured it would be rude to ask that, so instead, I sent this e-mail:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Wed, 23 Apr 2008 15:19:59 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Brent Nelson"

Subject: Adult Tricycle?
To: sale-653630870@craigslist.org

Hi, I saw your post on Craigslist. I don't actually have an adult tricycle, but I was curious about them and figure you might have some information. If you can answer any or all of these questions, it would be much appreciated!

1) What exactly is an adult tricycle?
2) What are the benefits over a traditional bicycle?
3) Would you assume you would get strange looks riding it around outside?
4) Is it possible to put shocks and/or pegs on an adult tricycle?

Thanks for your time and best luck on your quest!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

And this morning, I open my e-mail and have this response:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "Joseph G"
To: "Brent Nelson"
Subject: RE: Adult Tricycle?
Date: Wed, 23 Apr 2008 19:41:24 -0500

Here you go:
1) What exactly is an adult tricycle? - Click: http://www.jvbike.com/trikes.htm
2) What are the benefits over a traditional bicycle? - They're cool!
3) Would you assume you would get strange looks riding it around outside? - I get strange looks anyway?
4) Is it possible to put shocks and/or pegs on an adult tricycle? - Some may already come with them?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fascinating! So, if you see some weird-o, riding around on an adult trike with shocks and pegs, make sure you've packed your adult diapers, because you're in for a WILD RIDE!!!

Finally...almost

Yesterday, it was actually nice out. I mean nice nice. Sunny, a little breeze, about 70. So, you know...spring is here!

Except I looked at the weather today. And they're calling for snow this weekend. SNOW!! Incredible!

It's as if this winter won't ever end and all it wants to do is beat me down until I cry like a little Petredis who didn't want to split the dinner bill because all he had was the pasta (I kid...I agree).

Anyway...weather sucks and I am not looking forward to playing softball in the snow this weekend. Blurst!

The Nigerians are sponsored?

So, I got some new, sweet spam e-mail from the Nigerians yesterday. It was the usual stuff...you know...I get 35 million pounds for being sweet and all they need is my name, vital information and a scan of my passport. So, I have that going for me, which is nice.

But, at the bottom was the following:

So, apparently, the Nigerians now how some sort of sponsorship in their spam e-mails and are probably making money when people click on their ads.

I have been thinking of traveling by locomotive soon, so now I know where to book my railway tickets. Is there anything these people can't do???

You will be mine Tony Little Freestyle Gazelle...

I've never been a UPS guy and I really don't plan on ever being one. But that's neither here nor there.

Today, the UPS guy delivered some boxes to my house. I was pretty sure were weren't expecting any boxes, (unless Alison finally caved and finally agreed with Tony Little and realized that I need the Freestyle Gazelle) so I had no idea what it was.

So, I went out there and looked at the boxes. And, of course, they weren't for us. They were for the house two doors down.

So, my question is, was the UPS guy just lazy and didn't want to walk to extra 20 feet or could he not read the address which is right on the frickin' front of the house in huge numbers?

I'm willing to bet it was the laziness. I know for sure I wouldn't want to be carrying a Freestyle Gazelle all over the neighborhood...come to think of it...maybe I should have kept those boxes...damn it!

Homos are hilarious?

So, my t-shirt blog the other day resulted in some interesting links, courtesy of Google Adsense. It went to a t-shirt site called www.queerrepublictees.com and it had the following banner heading:


Now, I was not aware that gay people were any more or less funny than straight people. Apparently I was wrong. Apparently Rosie O'Donnell is an exception...

Stupid Shirts...

So, I'm boppin' through Us Weekly, catching up on all my Britney non-drama, when I get to the ad section in the back. Typically, they'll have things that suck back there, but they're cheap, so people (i.e. me) buy them, because I'd take free poop...as long as it was free.


But what they had back there today was SO BAD I had to share it with you. I went out to the website of Madison & Friends for this shirt. Above are the shirts that have angered me: Now, first off, they're marketing these to boys. Apparently not to any boys; just to boys that want to get beat up.

Why would any kid want to wear a shirt claiming his mom is hot? That's always awkward for the kid if his mom were hot; but obviously she's not, or he wouldn't advertise it. This seems like one of those shirts that dumb chicks who think they're hot wear (see example).

Now, I'd expect them to sell a couple of these...UNTIL I SAW THEY WERE $43!!!!

I still don't get it. And I don't want to. I just want to go on, disliking these kinds of people. And I will.

And if I see a 4 year old with one of these shirts, I'm willing to bet there's a 16-year old mother near by who thinks she's "2 HOT 4 U"...

Rainbow time (not what you think...)

So, I'm tired of going to Target for groceries. All I run into are idiots and stupidiots (which can mean stupid idiot or stupendous idiot...take your choice) and it's making me physically ill. I mean...I can't even sit in a chair for 60 minutes anymore!

So, I decided to go check out Rainbow Foods, to see if it was a better experience. It was not. Here's why.

Alison asked me to pick up some cereal for her and I needed to get some for myself. So, I ended up with five boxes of cereal in line, which apparently is an invitation for the frock behind me to start up a conversation. Apparently...

Frock: Wow...got a lot of cereal there!
Brent: ignoring him
Frock: You must either have kids of like cereal.
Brent: grudgingly
Brent: Like cereal.
Frock: Yeah, it's nice and quick in the morning.
Brent: ignoring him
Frock: Or just about anytime, am I right?
Brent: ignoring him harder
Frock: Man, I might have a bowl of cereal when I get home.
Brent: ignoring him so hard his head might implode
Frock: Well...enjoy your cereal.

After that, he left me alone. I might look into one of those places that deliver your groceries to you...but then you probably have to talk to the delivery person.

Are robots delivering groceries yet??

Mother's Day Invitation?

So, I'm driving down Highway 55 when I see the following sign/invitation:


I thought that was pretty nice. I mean, I don't even know Jake and here he is, giving me the most impersonal invitation to an event I have ever received in my life!

I mean, how are they supposed to know I'd even see the sign? If they really want me there, they should have sent an invitation to my house or, at least, an evite.

However, since they want me there, I decided it would be rude not to RSVP. I mean, I can't make it, but since I won't be there, that might free up a spot for another guest.

So, I went home and found Jake's in the phone book (yeah, they didn't even tell how to RSVP) and gave them a call.

Brent: Hi, this is Brent Nelson. I saw my invitation for Mother's Day on your sign.
Jake's: OK, how many will be attending?
Brent: Actually, we already have plans that day (that's a lie, but they don't know that).
Jake's: Then why are you calling?
Brent: I just wanted to RSVP and let you know that I can't make it.
Jake's (confused): Ummm...okay.
Brent: Great! Thanks for the invite though! Hopefully I'll be invited via large signage on Highway 55 to your next event!!
Jake's: (hangs up)

I'm not going to lie, they didn't seem to care whether I was going to be able to make it or not. Next time, I might not even RSVP...that'll show them!!

Daisy the "intelligent" Rock of Love choice...

OK, so I'm watching the finale of Rock of Love (don't pretend you're not jealous) and Ambre and Daisy are arguing over if Daisy leads with her sexuality (which she does, because it's all she's got, especially if you like retarded looking mole-people) when Daisy busts out the following:

"I lead with my intelligence, my humor, my funniness, my goofiness..."

Hmmm...really? I think if you had intelligence you might know that your last three are all synonyms for the same word.

And if you're reading this Daisy, no synonym is not what you mix with sugar and put on your toast. That's cinnamon...

Now...I can't wait for Daisy Chain of Love!!!!!

(credit goes to Alison for the name of Daisy's show...I came up with Daisy's Garden of Love...I'm an idiot...)

Gross!!

So, I'm reading this story on MSN.com about "prom horror stories" (I know...I know...I'll read about anything the internet puts out...it's just like MTV) and all of them are stupid and boring and make me want to beat the writers a bit. And then...this one appeared:

"I was getting ready to put my dress on three hours before prom. My stomach was aching a little, so I decided to take some medicine. As I was putting on the dress, my date arrived. So I hurried and put on the dress, my shoes, and jewelry. I thought I was looking good. As I came out, everyone was smiling. My Auntie was so happy; she finally told me to turn around so she could see the back of the dress. I turned around and someone started laughing. There was a big bloodstain on the back. My dress was lime green, so you could see it very well. I had to go out and get a new dress two hours before prom. I missed the dinner and pictures. It was a disaster!"-- Kiara, Southern High School

Ummm...hi.

How about you keep your gross-ass-blood story to yourself! You've offended me, and in turn, forced me to offend all of my reader (yes...reader). This whole debacle is on your head...

Dilbert Steals the Waterboy Theory??

I was going through the Dilbert comics for the past week, when I came across one where he stole the Waterboy Theory.

Oh sure, he smartened it up, but that wouldn't take much from the drivel I churn out...

Boniva?

So, somehow I got stuck watching a commercial (I don't know how...I've let TiVo down...I'm sure he's upset with me...I hope he doesn't try to extract revenge by not taping The Office tonight...) and the commercial that was on was for Boniva.

What the butt is Boniva, you ask. Well, it's irrelevant, but it's an osteoporosis pill you take once a month (instead of every week...like other pills...apparently...I don't know about that...I'm not a 70 year old woman...yet...but perhaps I've said too much) and, of course, it has a list of requirements while taking it. But this is the one that struck me as odd:

You should not take Boniva if you have low blood calcium, severe kidney disease or CAN NOT SIT OR STAND FOR AT LEAST 60 MINUTES.

What in the world else CAN you do? Who gets tired sitting? I didn't even know it was possible to not be able to sit for 60 minutes. Could I get bored? Yes. Would I be able to tough through it? Come on...

If they would have added "LAYING" on there, I probably would have fell out of my chair...which I did in fact fall out of, because I am unable to sit in a chair for at least 60 minutes.

Don't you judge me. Don't you DARE judge me...

Rainchecks?

So, I was in line at Target and the person in front of me was claiming that she had a raincheck for 99 cent a pound asparagus.

Now, first off, I didn't even know people offered rainchecks anymore. I thought those went out with putting stuff on layaway and the Disco music. Apparently I was wrong.

But, this lady is claiming this and then, when she's given credit for this mysterious "rain check" (of which she had no visual proof) she argued with the cashier on the weight of said asparagus.

She said she weighed it over in the produce section and it weighed three and a quarter pounds. Now, this cashier was trying to charge her for three and a half pounds! The nerve!

So, to make a long story short, I stabbed her with my eye daggers and moved to another line, as I knew she would no doubt be pulling out her checkbook when I was already through another line.

To top it off, once I'd gone through the other line, I pass by this woman and the cashier and this lady was pulling out her checkbook and asking, "Am I at Target?"

Ahhh...good times...good stupid-person related times...

Catchphrase...

So, we were playing Catchphrase the other night (don't act like you're not jealous) and, as everyone (meaning some of you) knows, I suck at the game.

But then, Catchphrase got angry at me and gave me the hardest possible phrase in the world. The phrase?

OVER YONDER

Over Yonder? How in the butt do you get someone to say Yonder? Seriously? I mean, I can get the over part (though I couldn't at the time since I nearly had a nervous breakdown and nearly went catatonic) but how can you get the second part? Please, help me out here...

Why does Catchphrase hate me? I've been nothing but nice to her, including that time I brought her chicken soup when she wasn't feeling well. Damn you, stupid game!

Old Navy Outlet

So, Alison and I went to the outlet mall last week (and yes, I made it back without shanking myself in the face) and one of the stores there was Old Navy.

Now, as everyone knows, Old Navy is the crappiest manufacturer of clothes. They last about two times through the washer and then it's threads and popped seams everywhere.

And, as everyone knows, clothes at outlet malls are made cheaper than the real clothes at stores, which is why they are are cheaper at the outlet mall.

But I can't see how Old Navy can make their clothes any cheaper. I mean, if you walk in that Old Navy Outlet, do they give you a sleep mask right away, because the clothes fall apart the second you glance at them?

Someone from Old Navy needs to clear up this conundrum...

Nice signature...

So, we sent Alison's Grandma some flowers last week. We used ProFlowers.com, which I've used before.

Today, they sent a follow-up survey. And here was the end of it:

Wow. Nice signature dude. Seriously, I have crap penmanship, but that puts mine to shame. What the hell is that, a deformed bird that a first grader drew? And why does your name end with a T? Your signature makes your name look like Mmmmt. FAAAAAA-bulous!

This is the worst. I've puked prettier things than that...

ATM?

So, we were in Vegas last weekend and I was in line to cash out some sweet, sweet video poker winnings. There was a person in front of me doing the same thing. When the teller gave them their money, they tipped the teller.

Isn't that kind of like tipping an AT machine?

"OK, here's my debit card. Oh, you're handing me my money? How about a little something for your trouble?"

Morons...

Our Cats Hate Heidi Montag!

They definitely got some extra treats for this...apparently our cats feel just like the rest of America when it comes to Heidi Montag... though they missed a bit to the side...perhaps they're just starting the job and making her suffer a bit...