Diet Dr. Pepper...

In the commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper, the morons who created it say that Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like Regular Dr. Pepper. Huh? What in the world are they talking about? I follow this about as well as Sam Cassell plays defense. Which is not at all. Allow me to elaborate…

Does Diet Dr. Pepper taste more like Regular Dr. Pepper? What does that even mean? More than what? More than Diet Coke? Is that what they’re talking about? If so, then my answer is yes, Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like Regular Dr. Pepper than Diet Coke tastes like Regular Dr. Pepper.

Don't they need something they're testing it against? In the same vein, couldn't you say Brent Nelson is more like Randy Moss? Is that any less correct? There is no comparison model! In the Moss example, I could be saying I'm more like Randy Moss than a stapler, and few would argue. But if I were saying Brent Nelson is more like Randy Moss than Terrell Owens, people would laugh in my face, spit on me and yell jeers towards me until their voices were hoarse.

It looks like what they’re actually trying to say is that Diet Dr. Pepper tastes like Regular Dr. Pepper. Now that sentence, I can understand. It makes sense. Like when someone tells you two plus two is four, you can actually understand it. I can wrap my head around that one. You have two objects, and one is similar to the other one. Even the slowest 1st grader can probably bounce along with this idea. What they don’t need to do is get all cutesy and say it tastes more like Regular Dr. Pepper. That’s where they lose everyone. Even Stephen Hawking is sitting at home in his wheel chair, puzzling out exactly what is going on in this commercial. If the smartest man in the world has no idea what you’re talking about, you might want to rethink your ad campaign.

But no one ever brings these points up when those commercials are on! They just go about their business as if they were not having stupid beams shot out towards their brain at warp speed from the commercial, possibly causing paralysis and loss of urinary control. No, everyone acts like the commercial is fine and dandy.

Why?

Has Dr. Pepper paid everyone off so no one even questions them? Who are the ad wizards who came up with that commercial? Do you think it might have been the CEO’s daughter that came up with it and no one wanted to say no because the CEO is known to have a violent temper and “busy hands”? Could that be possible? I would think that someone there has to have enough brains to know that what they are saying doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Do you think the Pepsi Corporation sent whoever came up with the idea to “sleep with the fishes” for their attempt at dumbening America even more? If they haven’t been severely reprimanded already, I suggest that there should be some sort of international protest, complete with egging the people who brought us this commercial!

Is everyone with me?