Why Ketch was in Vegas...

Petredis: Ketchum is back! He asked Billy if it would be OK if he came to LV, and SLEEP IN BILLY’S CAR!!!!! What is that? How can I say no? And not cause him to commit suicide?

Nelson: Wow. Wow. In the car? Wow. This is unbelievable! Would you ever ask that? Seriously?

"Can I come, and while you sleep in a luxurious bed, maybe I can sleep in your car? And then, when you're done with your lunch McDonald's, maybe I can eat the pickle you don't like and possibly lick the ketchup/mustard runoff from the wrapper and maybe take a couple of bag fries and suck what's left of your soft drink from the straw."

Wow. I can't fathom this. This is the most insane thing I have ever heard. I feel like that guy in Scanners. Pretty soon, someone is going to come get me to do a commission report and all they'll find is my lifeless body…headless. The only remnants of my head will be the bits and pieces scattered willy-nilly on the walls and computer screen. Wow. Is this for real? I feel like I just got pushed through the car wash with no car, and while I'm squeaky clean, I'm a little confused about how life works and the lengths people will go. Am I the only sane one left? Can I ramble on anymore? The car? Really? Is that the saddest thing you've ever heard? It's the saddest thing I've ever heard. And I once heard of a puppy that got shot by Jeffrey Dahmer while he was raping a dead body. But perhaps I've said too much...

Petredis: I know, I mean, can you make yourself look more, sad/desperate/loserific than by saying that? And texting it no less. I mean, now we have to see him after we told him no, and he guilted his way back in with the saddest text message.......ever.

Nelson: Did you read the Sports Guy about how his friends will be at a blackjack table, cracking jokes and some guy they don't know will inevitably try to fit in their group? Can someone from the group do that? Could that be Ketchum? Here we go, from the SG:

14. The guy who tries to ingratiate himself with you and your buddies
This happens to me and the Sports Guy Posse every year. Whenever we play blackjack together, we're always cracking jokes and making fun of each other ... within a few hours, three or four running jokes emerge that take precedent for the rest of our trip.

For instance, this year we started comparing blackjack dealers to baseball pitchers. Have you ever noticed how the pit boss will always send over his most unfriendly, non-American dealer whenever the entire table is winning? It's uncanny. Anyway, within a few hours on Friday, we started calling this dealer the "closer"; by Sunday, it had evolved to the point that we would win a few hands in a row and start making jokes of the "Uh-oh, the pit boss just started warming up Mariano Rivera in the Asian Gaming Room" variety. Anyway, whenever this happens, there's always some sad sack at the table who starts giving off those "I wish I was friends with you guys" vibes and starts trying to make those same jokes. Just go away. Please.

Can someone in your own group be that guy? Because it's sounding like Ketch is going to be him...

Petredis: If you think for one minute that that person won't not be Ketch. Then you're wrong.

It is going to be awkward city Saturday when he shows up, and I will be the mayor. But hey, what’s a bachelor party without some guy who was not invited, was specifically told he couldn't come, but asked he if could come anyway and sleep in the car, showing up and ruining everything? I can't fucking wait. Extra Spicy.

Nelson: Ahh...the spiciness factor. On the Spice Scale...this is probably somewhere around atomic. You know, mild, medium, hot, super hot, lava, death, atomic. It's the way it goes.

But seriously, if people were making that much of a push to not have you come, wouldn't you not wanna go? I have a feeling he's going to backpack me while I'm there. He's either going to hate me or backpack me. Either way, it's going to be uncomfortable. So I have that to look forward to, which is nice.

Does he not have friends to hang with in Cali? Wouldn't he want to go to LV with them some weekend? I know you don't really remember him, but he's creepy as hell. Here's what he's going to do. It's a little move I like to pull on the ladies. It's called the "Stare and Creep". You stare at them, and stare, until they get uncomfortable and say to their friend "Why is that guy staring at me. It's really creepy". This is a perfectly acceptable mating ritual between a guy and a girl. It's just that he does it between a dude and a dude. And not in the fun "we're friends, I'm gonna 'stare and creep' you to make you uncomfortable" way. And there's a problem with that. There are only two rules to a "stare and creep":

1. You don't "stare and creep" people you know. You just talk to them.
2. You don't "stare and creep" a dude, unless you're doing it on purpose, to make him uncomfortable and increase your own laughter.

And he's breaking both rules. This is unacceptable. It really deserves a punch to the neck or spitballs shot at you. At best, you need to be shot. I am not happy about this. Not happy about this turn of events. But at least I'll make fun of him behind his back, which is what I'm good at.