Stare and creep...

People often say to me, “Brent, you’re quite the ladies man. What’s your secret?”

And I’ll often reply, “Dude, apparently you really don’t know me. And they’re called Altoids. You may want to look into them. But even though I’m not quite the suave gentleman I make myself out to be, I do have a surefire way to attract the ladies. What I’m about to tell you is top secret and the only reason I’m telling you is that the North Koreans have temporarily taken over my sense of secrecy and I’ll tell you anything for the next four minutes. That tie looks god awful on you and you smell like chum. Here’s the secret to get the ladies. It’s called the ‘Stare and Creep’.”

Then, they’ll often say, “The ‘Stare and Creep’? That sounds great! But can you explain it to me in a little more detail? I want to make sure I use it for good and not use it for evil, like Willie Ames does.”

I’ll then counter with, “I understand your concern Daniel-san. The ‘Stare and Creep’ is only meant for good, not evil. Here’s how the ‘Stare and Creep’ works. First, you find a lovely lady in the room. Someone you don’t know, but think is Kelly Kapowski hot. Then, you stare at them. And stare at them. And continue to stare at them until they get uncomfortable. Once it looks like they sat in a pile of wet gym towels, you know you are staring enough. Eventually, she will say to her friend ‘Why is that guy staring at me? It's really creepy’. And the ‘Stare and Creep’ has worked again! This is a perfectly acceptable mating ritual between a guy and a girl.”

They follow up with, “I see! That is brilliant! Like nuts and gum together, why hasn’t anyone thought of this before? Is there anyway to misuse the ‘Stare and Creep’?”

I will then fire back, “I’m so glad you asked! Yes, there are two ways to ruin a perfectly good ‘Stare and Creep’. They are…

1. You don't ‘Stare and Creep’ people you know. You just talk to them, like civilized people.
2. You don't ‘Stare and Creep’ a dude, unless you're doing it on purpose, to make him uncomfortable and increase your own enjoyment factor.

Those are the only two ways to ruin the ‘Stare and Creep’. Now, young grasshopper, I have filled your toolbox with the knowledge that very few are privy to. I hope you will not abuse the trust I have placed in you. Please use the ‘Stare and Creep’ to your advantage, but don’t taunt it. The ‘Stare and Creep’ is a witch about payback. You’ve been warned. Godspeed.