Sports Guy and the Waterboy Theory...

Now, as my loyal readers know, my pride and joy is The Waterboy Theory. I have cultivated it from a little sapling (as opposed to a giant sapling), lived with it through all the awkward teen years and have watched it grow into a collassal waste of time...errr theory that only my friends and family use. However, I hope that is all about to change:

In his current re-review of Rocky Balboa, the Sports Guy aka Bill Simmons, explained why people thought the movie was good (everything in bold and italics is taken from ESPN.com)

1. Most people were expecting an epic train wreck and ended up being pleasantly surprised (and relieved) that it wasn't an epic train wreck. That's going to artificially skew any opinion, right? I just can't shake the feeling that everyone who liked the movie was inadvertently grading it on a pronounced curve.
For instance, let's say you have an uncle who became involved with a former stripper who cheated on him, became addicted to crystal meth, kept stealing from him and eventually bankrupted him before she was arrested for trying to run him over with a car. It was such a bad experience that he didn't date anyone else for five years and he's been in therapy the entire time. Then he announces to the family that he's showing up for Christmas with his new girlfriend ... and everyone in the family is completely terrified because he's had such horrible taste with women. What happens? He shows up with a nice enough girl who's friendly and really seems to like him. Maybe she's a C-plus under normal circumstances, but given your uncle's history, she feels like an A-minus and nobody can stop talking about how nice she is. And that's what happened with this last Rocky movie. If "Rocky V" was the crystal meth stripper, then "Rocky Balboa" was the C-plus girlfriend who felt like an A-minus.

Almost two years ago, I blogged about this very phenomenon: The Waterboy Theory. Click on the link to view the Theory if you haven't seen it before.

The general premise is very similar, albeit Simmons swayed from the actual movie and used an analogy. However, I still believe the Sports Guy described, to a T, The Waterboy Theory. I have sent the Sports Guy an e-mail and I hope Mr. Simmons will give credit where credit is due, and relate my theory, and homeless Sports Guy-id-ness, to his readers...

Peter King fantasy advice??

OK, I enjoy Peter King. I like MMQB. Here's what I don't like; his fantasy picks. How many times this year has he recommeded Roscoe Parish? I mean...ROSCOE PARRISH!!!! I really need to go back and count.

And then he'll go recommend Peyton Manning. Really...should I start Peyton this week? Good call. So...why does he have a fantasy column? Shouldn't he just stick to the games or am I crazy? Here's some of his "tips" for this week...with my comments following (in red and italics)

4. Steve McNair has thrown two interceptions in the seven weeks Brian Billick has been calling offensive plays for Baltimore. In other words, with Cleveland coming to town, play McNair -- unless you've got Peyton Manning or Drew Brees on your roster. Steve McNair as the number three QB? Really? I mean, Cleveland is bad...but come on. Ever hear of Brady, Palmer or Romo?

5. If you scout the Buffalo Bills, you know the ball's going deep to Lee Evans once or twice every Sunday, minimum. Yet J.P. Losman's still able to get it to him. Moral of the story: Don't be scared off by defensive player of the year Jason Taylor chasing down Losman on Sunday in Orchard Park, play Evans at any cost this week. And if you can slip in Roscoe Parrish, you know how much I like him. Ugh! Again? Roscoe Parish? I mean...he did okay in week 3, but the cat has 17 receptions and 2 TD's for the year. I think I can find a few better people to start than him...

6. Antsy about playing Ben Roethlisberger because of all the receiver problems with the Steelers? Don't be. Not this week, anyway. The Panthers host Ben, and Hines Ward is likely to return after two weeks rehabbing a 'scoped knee. Play Ben, and play Santonio Holmes. I'm not sold on Holmes, but he gets the start against some lousy cornerbacks this week. This isn't that bad, but would you really recommend Santonio Holmes in the week Hines Ward returns from injury? Wouldn't you say Ronald Curry? I mean, he just got elevated to the number 1 receiver.

7. I'll tell who's slumping. David Carr. One TD pass in his last seven games. If you play him, Bruce Gradkowski must be your other quarterback. And what are you doing in the playoffs with David Carr as your guy? The only Texan worth a look this week, with the battered Pats' defense, is battering ram Ron Dayne. Wait...so don't play David Carr!!! Thanks coach. What about Mike Bell?

8. Hmmm. Cincinnati-Indy. Don't be so sure Rudi Johnson will rush for 240. Tony Dungy and defensive coordinator Ron Meeks will put an eighth body down in the box often Monday night -- even if it's softer sub safety Matt Giordano -- to make sure the Bengals running game doesn't gash the Colts like Jacksonville did last week. Is he saying to not start Rudi? Should we also not start Roy Williams because the Packers defense will try to avoid getting shown up by the Detroit offense?

I love Peter King. I really do. But please...do not do a fantasy column next year!!!!

Memo...

Note to the lady who is at Lifetime and tells people about laser surgery; just because you have a lab coat on, you are not a doctor. Also...your shirt makes you look like a who-er. FYI. Might want to stick those little nuggets in your backpocket.

My Daddy Usher...

Begin Scene:

The kitchen of one of Miss Johnson's students. The student, Billy, and his mom, Marinda, are standing around the center island, enjoying Christmas cookies and milk. They're happily putting popcorn on a string to put around their tree while listening to Frosty the Snowman on TV...

Marinda: So, Billy. What's new?
Billy: Nothing too much. When's Usher...I mean Dad, getting home?
Marinda: (looks around nervously) Ummm...so where's your postcard?
Billy: What postcard?
Marinda: The one Miss Johnson sends to all the students.
Billy: I didn't get one! She hates me!!

Billy knocks over his glass of milk and runs to his bedroom in tears, covering his eyes so no one can see him crying due to the crushing nature of realizing Miss Johnson forgot about him.

Marinda: (laughingly) Well...at least that got his mind off the (in air quotes) "Usher situation".

Studio audience laughs uproariously.

End Scene

The Ruse...

The Setting: The basement of a house. Two people (BN and JP) are sitting down there, waiting to be taken to a dinner that is owed to them. One of the people who owes the dinner (PK) walks in.

BN: About firkin' time Phil. I'm starving.
JP: I could eat glass at this point you crotch.
PK: Funny thing guys. We're not taking you to dinner.
BN: What in the butt are you talking about?
PK: Well, Matt and I talked it over and we don't have much money.
JP: Isn't that your Hummer blocking traffic out there?
PK (looking annoyed): Yeah...whatever. We just don't have the money.
BN: It's like 20 bucks dude. Just don't go to Hollywood Blvd this weekend and you're fine.
PK (looking confused): Well...it's not going to happen. Sorry.
JP passes out from hunger
PK (looks at JP): So...you guys eaten yet?
BN: No douche. We were waiting for you to take us out. I hate you more than poison.

My old friend...

...is back, spouting off on a subject where he couldn't be more wrong. He could try, but he would not be successful. I speak of, of course, Mr. Ken Rosenthal writer at The Sporting News and the senior baseball writer at FOXSports.com. Mr. Rosenthal, who has a vote for the baseball Hall of Fame, has written another article about how he won't vote for Mark McGwire. What follows is the spirited e-mail exchange I had with him today. Though I still think he is so wrong, he should be wearing a tin-foil hat, I didn't convince him. Perhaps I'll convince the next writer who doesn't believe McGwire should be in the Hall. I've attached a link to Ken's article. You'll probably want to read that first if the rest is to make any sense to you...

Ken's Article

Brent First E-Mail

Date:Tue, 28 Nov 2006 05:29:38 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal

Come on man. Your reasoning on the McGwire HOF vote is so horrible, it would be laughable...if you weren't serious...which you are. You've been spouting off on the same crap since early 2005.

Your big new moral standard is US law? You won't vote for McGwire because he broke US law? Is that right? Has anyone in the HOF ever gotten a speeding ticket? Correct me if I'm wrong, but that is also breaking US law. Why don't you get up on your high horse for that one? Millions of people die in car crashes caused by speeding. That could be your chance to make a moral stand. You could also look into parking tickets, since the new HOF criteria includes US law. Good times.

You've decided not to vote people in on the first ballot because they played in the Steroid Era, which I think is mildly retarded, but let's say that's a valid argument. Then why would you vote for Maddux, Glavine, Gwynn and Ripken? Why not stick to your guns? Why would you say you're not going to vote for Steroid Era players and then do a one-eighty and vote for Steroid Era players?

Why don't you just come out with an article that says you don't like McGwire, you don't think he should be in the HOF, you're disappointed he didn't talk to Congress and your reasons for not voting for him are completely personal? At least you wouldn't be lying, like you're currently doing in these articles. I would disagree, but at least we would get the charade over of McGwire having a fair shot at the HOF; it's a personal vote that has nothing to do with the numbers.

Brent Nelson

Ken First E-Mail

From: Ken Rosenthal
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 11:29:51 EST
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Brent A. Nelson

You know what I love about bloggers? You guys - and yes, I'm generalizing - can't just disagree with an opinion, you've got to call people names, tell 'em they're liars, etc.

I happen to respect your opinion and everyone else's on the subject; it's a very difficult issue. In fact, some of the holes you point out in my argument are perfectly valid points. But I would suggest that there are holes in virtually every opinion on this topic.

By the way, I would hardly equate steroid use with speeding.

Thanks,
Ken

Brent Second E-Mail

Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 08:39:26 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal

Ken -

And that's just my point. You take a side of an argument (breaking US law) and then straddle the fence when another US law is broken. I was just using your argument to make a point. I guess I didn't realize that you were only talking about US laws that help prove your point, and were disregarding US laws that don't help with your "argument".

And I love that you try to disrespect me as a "blogger", when that's how I argue with my friends; it has nothing to do with you. We call eachother names when we don't agree; that's just part of my culture. Sticks and stones, I guess. Apparently words hurt. My bad.

I do agree that there are holes in every argument. However, I will continue to point out holes in every writer's McGwire arguments due to one key fact that no one seems to be addressing: It wasn't against the rules to use steroids!! That's where every argument should end.

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I wish I could change your mind on the whole McGwire issue, because as a HOF voter, your opinion matters more than mine.

Brent Nelson

Ken Second E-Mail

From: Ken Rosenthal
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 12:52:38 EST
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Brent Nelson

Last point - possession of anabolic steroids is a felony. Speeding is not.

There is a significant difference between those two laws.

Take care,
Ken

Brent Third E-Mail

Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 10:01:47 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal

Ken -

I know that, and you know that, but you did not make that point in your article. But again, I think you're just playing semantics; it wouldn't matter if they were both felonies, you don't like McGwire and you won't vote for him. That's fine, but don't hide behind US law.

Now...let me throw a hypothetical at you. This argument will throw the whole legal/illegal argument out the window (this applies more towards Sammy Sosa, but, in theory, could apply to McGwrie). What would you say if McGwire went into Mexico once a week to shoot up with steroids? They are legal there and can be bought at pharmacies (same in the Dominican Republic). So, it's no longer a felony. He is doing something that is perfectly legal where he is at. Since we don't know for sure if McGwire even used illegal steroids, we also don't know if he went into Mexico to make the use legal. This line of thinking threatens your whole "felony" issue. So...assuming McGwire did that, would you now vote for him?

Brent

Ken Third E-Mail

From: Ken Rosenthal
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 13:40:04 EST
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Brent Nelson

No, I would not.

Brent Fourth E-Mail

Date:Tue, 28 Nov 2006 10:48:52 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal

So, then, essentially your argument is: I don't think his numbers are good enough to be Hall-worthy. Which is fine (I couldn't disagree more), but why won't you put that in your articles, instead of all this mumbo-jumbo, illegal, straw-man, speak-out-against-steroids stuff? Why can't you just say the real reason? Is it because, in reality, his numbers are more than good enough, but you've backed yourself into a corner and don't want to admit you're wrong?

Ken Fourth E-Mail

From: Ken Rosenthal
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 19:26:56 EST
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Brent Nelson

You're wearing me out. Let's just say you're smarter than I am and call it a day. I mean, that's what this is about, right?

Take care,
Ken

Brent Fifth E-Mail

Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2006 16:47:29 -0800 (PST)
From: Brent A. Nelson
Subject: Re: Back at it, eh?
To: Ken Rosenthal

Ken -

Pretty funny. Talk about bloggers needing to call names. Hi there kettle...you're black. I guess you can't take a difference of opinion either. I'm just firmly in Mark McGwire's camp, and believe in innocence until proven guilty. You don't. It's okay. No one said anyone was smarter than anyone else. Don't take yourself so seriously.

Brent


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Overall, I think I stated my cases pretty well and Ken did a poor job defending his position. When you really look at it, there are only three reasons you could really not vote for McGwire
1) You just don't like him (fine, but the Hall should not be a popularity contest)
2) You don't like steroids (fine, but there is no proof he ever used them, so he's guilty until proven innocnet...very American)
3) You don't think his stats warrant it (fine, but this is just a reach. 583 career homers, rookie homerun record, brought people back to baseball, 3 World Series teams...the numbers don't lie)

I look forward to the next writer I can chat with about this subject. I hope to be able to break out my Stampy Theorem again, if someone makes the wrong argument. Good times...

Fixing Svengali...

Definitions:
Fixing: to put in order or in good condition.
Svengali: a person who completely dominates

Now, as you can tell by the title, I have transformed myself into a virtual Fixing Svengali since the puchase of our house. Oh sure, I could go on and on about all the upgrades and mechanical fixes I've made around the house. I could bore you with the details of my latest household triumph. But, since I don't like to talk about myself, I'll keep this to one thing that will impress and amaze you all more than a ship in a bottle:

Not once, but twice, I have successfully changed the brake light bulb in others cars.

You may now stand back in awe and start the near silent golf clap and allow it to climax into an all-out hoopla. In addition, you may send me oodles of rubies in appreciation of my masterful technical skill.

Vince Young Dumb...

I admit it. I'm pretty dumb. Oh sure, I memorize tons of facts to mesmerize people (such as the original T.G.I.F. line-up) but when it comes right down to it, I feel like I would get less than Vince Young did on the Wonderlic. Ugh.

So, a few months ago, we bought a new litter box for our cats that has a sifter...to make cleaning it easier. So, I set it up and it always seemed to take a long time. Well...a couple of days ago, I figured out that I had it set up wrong. Now, that it's set up correctly, it takes about a minute to clean the box. Plus...I get to feel like a moron everytime I look at it. Which is nice...

Crotch...

So, I'm driving home from work, zip-zappin' along, minding my own business. Then, out of nowhere, this chick mergers in front of me in her craptastic Jetta. While on her cell phone. And doesn't give an apologetic wave. Nothing. Acts like the whole world is made of delicious gravy. Well, I had news for her; the world is not, and will not be until we develop robots sophisticated enough, made of gravy. So, I decided to show her what's what.

So, I merge to the left and zip up right next to her. You know, to give her a pained expression, conveying to her that she's driving like a crotch. When I get up there, I look over at her her, my crotch face expression all ready, and was astonished to see that it was a dude! Well, as much as a dude as you can be when

1. You have flowing blonde hair that would make Rapunzel jealous and
2. You're driving a Jetta

I decided not to give this douche the crotch face, since I assume he gets ripped on all the time by his co-workers at McDonald's...for his flowing blonde hair and his Jetta. See...even 14 year olds can tell he's a tool...

Mr. Wizard...

Two days ago, Alison and I went to the Melting Pot in Minneapolis to celebrate our anniversary. We were looking forward to some good food and a fun time. Little did we know we'd be privy to some riveting insight from the table next to us. Here is roughly how their conversation went (though there were various loud swear words thrown in throughout their other conversations, they kept this portion relatively clean)

Moron #1: Man, he wasn't near as good as us.
Moron #2: We were the top sales people. I don't know how he's in charge of that company now.
Mr . Wizard: Well, I know of a little secret to catch him and put us on top again.
Moron #1: Really? What?
Mr. Wizard: Well, I don't know if you've heard about this new thing. It's called the "internet". And, you can "advertise" on this "internet" on things called "search engines". Then, you can pay a company to have your information come up when someone "searches" for certain words on this "search engine". And get this. The beauty is, you only pay if someone "clicks" on your "site". How about that? It's true! I got it all in a book. I can show it to you if you like. I have an interview with the board of directors at Argeson tomorrow. I think I might reveal a bit of what I told you tonight, so they know I'm serious about the job.
Brent: I hear they're putting the internet on computers now.
Mr. Wizard: (looks to his moronic friends and covers his mouth with his forefinger in the "shhh" motion)
Waitress: Will that be it for you folks tonight?
Mr. Wizard: How about you split the bill three ways, then we can put it on three cards and we all had a business meeting tonight! (looks towards his friends and laughs heartily)
Moron #1 and Moron #2: (join in on the uproarious laughter)

I really don't have any words to explain just how brilliant this man was.

He can't compete with me physically, and I'm no match for his brains. Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Morons.

Remember the Program Blues aka Friday Night Lights

Have you watched Friday Night Lights yet? Seriously, they take every football movie and roll it into this TV show. So far, they've done the following:

• The QB got hurt and the back up had to come in (Varsity Blues)
• The back-up QB led them to an improbable win (Varsity Blues)
• The key player is paralyzed (Remember the Titans)
• The coach makes them run in the rain in the middle of the night to bond them (Remember the Titans)
• The full back and half back don't get along, so the full back doesn't block for him. (The Program)
• Creepy older player who lives in the past and talks about past championships (Varsity Blues)
• A key player has a drinking problem (The Program)
• A starting QB who has a horse face and no acting talent (Varsity Blues...yeah, I'm talking about you on this one Dawson)
• Signs for the player that lives in the house in the front yard (Varsity Blues...though I think that may actually happen in Texas)
• There is a black, workhorse style running back (Varsity Blues)
• Someone feels that they should have blocked better when the QB got hurt (Varsity Blues)
• A new QB shows up in town when the starter has issues (Remember the Titans)
• Overbearing town folks who know a little too much about the team (Every high school football movie ever)
• The back-up QB has a crush/dating the "girl next door" type (Varsity Blues...a bit of a stretch, but it will morph into that)

And that's in 3 episodes so far. And I'm sure they're stealing from other football movies, but that's about all I've seen. It's ridiculous...but a good show, because those are all good movies...

But what are they going to come up with next? I mean, are they going to have a Latimer induced steroid issue? Is there going to be a fat white kid that bonds the team? Will Matt take them all to a strip club? The possibilities are endless (and by endless, I mean there is an end, when the writers decide to stop stealing from other football movies, but until then, there is no end) I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens, assuming NBC doesn't cancel the show...

Balloons don't sell houses...

Alison and I closed on our house in June. Since then, Dean Johnson has sold exactly zero other units, leaving the community with 8 open houses. So, obviously, the houses are the exact opposite of hot cakes.

So, what does Dean Johnson Homes do to remedy this situation? Well, last weekened, they strung a rather large balloon to the deck of the model home, in hopes that that would draw people in. Of course, that didn't work, because very few people buy houses due to the balloon content.

Undeterred, this weekend, Dean Johnson outdid themselves. Since the large red balloon popped (I'd like to think someone shot it with a BB-gun), the decided to add 5 groups of smaller balloons at the entrance. Apparently, their crack marketing staff believes that balloons are the only way to advertise. And, let's face it, balloons are the international sign for "Party over heeeere"

Well played Dean Johnson, well played.

It's a beautiful day in the KA house...

Andy is sweeping up the kitchen after dinner, singing merrily.
Andy: It's a beautiful day in the KA House,
A beautiful day for the KA House,
Would you please join?
Could you please join?
I have always wanted to have a brother just like you,
I've always wanted to live in KA House with you.
Won't you please,
Won't you please,
Please won't you be my brother?
Tim, a current member of KA, is sitting in his room. Andy glides from the kitchen into the room, continuing to sweep.
Andy: Hi KA brother, I'm glad we're together again....
Tim: Hey, douche. Aren't you like 29?
Andy: No, I'm only 28, but I looooove KA.
Tim: Hey, douche. Get the hell out of my room.
Andy: Actually, this used to be my room. Remind me to tell you all the wild times that Dave White, Mike Seminari and I had. One time, we actually (Andy starts laughing at the memory) we...actually got a keg for the house, but instead of having beer in it...we had ROOT beer!! Ha ha ha ha ha! Boy, did we pull one over on our brothers! High five!
Tim: I hate you so much.
Andy: Then I challenged Brad Snyder to a naked breezeway! And I won!
Brad Snyder walks through the door.
Snyder: Hey, I contested that win! We need to have a rematch!
Snyder and Andy start ripping off their clothes as all the current members begin to pull out knifes, guns, and brass knuckles...
Tim: Get the hell out of our house!

The Umpire...

After much delay, I will regale you with tales about the Umpire from our softball game on Tuesday night. Without further ado...
----------------------------------------------------
Traditional meeting before the game with the Umpire and team managers.

Ump : Okay fellas. Now, as you all know, there is no swearing in this league.
Brent : Are you fu...I mean kidding?
Ump (while glancing sideways at Brent) : No. Any swearing will be an out. If I hear a GD or an MF, it's an out. No exceptions. And also, no beer. If I see any beer, that player will be ejected.
Brent : Um...we're still playing softball, right?
Ump : Yep, but it says so in the rules. No beer!
Brent (walking towards his team) : Guys, Ump says no beer. Put them away for the game.
Team (in unison) : WHAT??
Ump (running over, while pointing at his "upside down "rule sheet) : This is not a beer league. It says so right here!
Brent (pauses a beat) : Um...your sheet is upside down.
Ump (looks at the sheet, pauses, flips it right side up, and points to it again while giving Brent the stink eye)
Brent (laughs with the rest of his team)
----------------------------------------------------
Skinny Weird Dude (aka SWD) on other them "slides" (aka stumbles and faceplants) into third and is tagged out. Gets up and pushes our third baseman in the back...

SWD : You gotta get out the baseline!
Brent : You gotta learn how to slide without tripping.
SWD (walks towards Brent with his arms out) : Wanna say that again?
Brent (slowly) : You...gotta...learn...how...to...slide...with...out...tripping.
SWD (still walking towards Brent with his arms out) : What'd you say?
Brent : Apparently you can't slide...or hear. Wow. That's impressive. Can you do anything?
Ump (comes "sprinting" out to the mound to "break it up" and looks at Brent) : One more word out of you Mr. Mouth and I'll eject you!
Brent (sarcastically) : Yes sir!!
----------------------------------------------------
Dan hits the ball over the left centerfielders head. As he's circling the bases and heading towards third, the ball goes near the bleachers (there is no fence on the field)

Ump : Ball is in play!
Dan (stopping at third) : What?
Ump : Ball is in play!
Dan : Why would you say that?
Ump : Because the ball didn't go out of play.
Brent (from the dugout) : Do you yell that the ball is fair everytime it's fair? Do you yell it's a grounder if it's on the ground? No! You keep your trap shut. Like you should do there!
Ump : Hey. I've been umpiring 13 years. I don't think I need to be told how to ump.
Brent : Yeah, so is getting a registration as an umpire like getting ordained as a minister on the internet? No matter how much child porn you have, they just want the $50 and you're good to go? Right? Is that correct?
Ump (turns and walks away)
----------------------------------------------------
The other teams left fielder runs out of play and catches the ball, which means it should just be a foul ball.

Ump : Out!
Brent : Are you firkin' kidding me? There's no way he wasn't out of play.
Ump : He caught the ball in play. I lined myself up and saw it.
Brent : Lined yourself up? With what? Brazil? That's a terrible call.
Ump : Well, that's how I saw it.
Brent : Doesn't mean it wasn't terrible...

Mr. Belding...

Just watched an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Mr. Belding was on there playing a humongous, bald molesting ex-gym teacher. Well, I guess he was "playing" the molesting ex-gym teacher part, because the rest of t is all him. Did I mention he's enormous?

LCS? More like LBS.

Did anyone else have the misfortune of watching Last Comic Standing this season? Or did everyone else give up on the show early and my rant will fall on deaf ears. I hope everyone gave up on it, because when the highlight of the show is hoping Theo Von from Real World/Road Rules Challenge says one of his patented non-sensical quotes, you know you're watching some Lame Bull $@%^.

And that's what they probably should have called the show this year, because they got the Michael Dukakis's (or Michael Dukaki) of comedy to be on the show. It was like a bad episode of Elimidate; you don't want to watch, but you want to see how it ends.

So...without further ado...

Reasons this season of LCS blew donkey and why I won't watch next season

1. Being handicapped does not make you funny - Yep...I'm talking to you Josh Blue. Just because you have a handicap, it doesn't make you funny. When every joke revolves around it, it makes it unwatchable. When your finisher involves you walking around like a spastic Cybill Shepard and reminscing about the boat, I want to slap you. There...I said it.
2. America is full of morons - Again, Josh Blue, you caused America to vote for you because they felt sory. You should have been gone weeks ago, but America likes an underdog. I think there's a chance you could be our ext president.
3. Sexual equality - Women comics are not funny. Sorry. But it's true. They can be alright, but not funny. So, what happens when 6 of your 12 people are women? Yep...half your cast blows ass. So, the producers believe in making the house equal...
4. Being old does not make you funny - Yes, I will laugh at you... the key is at. You could stand there eating Cream of Wheat and it would be just as funny as your menopause jokes.
5. They had one funny guy on the show! - It's a comic show and they had one funny guy! 1? Are you f'in with me? How did everyone else get through the screening process? Was it a pulse check and a "probe" to get on the show? Let's get some more rigorous standards here...

And this went on way too long and was way too unfunny...so I'm going to back out. End of the day...Josh Blue sucks at comedy...America voted him the winner because he's crippled...I will not watch the show again.

Why would someone have me as an usher?

I mean, seriously...you know I hate people and have a generally foul persona, not to mention I reek of onion and ham. Is this the kind of person you want seating people? Wouldn't you rather have me hidden in the bowels of the church, playing a pipe organ and training the monkeys to sing "Brown Eyed Girl" in four part harmony? I could be put to such better use...

The pen is mightier than the sword...

Apparently, the old axiom is true; the pen is mightier than the sword. And, yet again, I have taken my pen and hurt someone's feelings through my demeaning sense of humor.

For those of you who don't read me very often, I like to take small giblets of truth and low them out of proportion; kind of like the whole Paris Hilton facade. But you have to understand that very little of what I write is the truth. Sure, there is a grain of truth, but then, it's up to my imagination to create something.

The offending post has been removed, and be assured, it was my own imagination that came up with the post. The only point of fact was the person was in a hurry and knew that if they passed you, they would end up talking for a bit and the delivery would not have been timley.

Before judging, please take a look through the archives at the stories my imagination created: a tall taco peeing next to me, being stranded on a deserted island with Keanu Reeves and Emilio Estevez living in hell. See...they all start with a point of fact and are embellished by me.

So, if anyone deserves the brunt of the blame, it is my imagination. I call him Zococoa and he can be found behind the left half of my off-kilter brain. Be gentle...as he has ADD.

That's the word. So, to everyone out there, remember...the pen is mightier

Student Drivers...

I think it should be illegal for student drivrs to wear sunglasses. There has to be some sort of law against it, like there should be a law against not growing a sweet moustache if you have the ability. But that's another post...

When I drive by student drivers, I love to look over at them and watch how they are in absolute terror. How they are gripping the wheel like Dan Norris grips the railings in a Handi-stall. How they are afraid to look anywhere but straight ahead. How they have their hand placed at 10 and 2 and wouldn't move them if Simon said so (yeah...that's right, a Simon Says reference). And, my absolute favorite, the look of sheer, vomit inducing terror in their eyes.

And I can't enjoy that when they are wearing their sweet shades, trying to be like Tom Cruise before he pretended to have Suri. And if I can't enjoy seeing their terror, what's really the point of even having them learn to drive? I mean, let's not kid ourselves here; we all know what we really want...

E-mail...

Date: Fri, 14 Jul 2006 08:19:23 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Brent A. Nelson"
Subject: Michael's
To: "Alison Tague"

If you are out today, can you stop by Michael's or Joann's Fabrics and pick me up a child XL red or blue shirt and enough white iron-on letters to spell out...

USA OR ELSE BUTTFACE

Thanks hon...

Attention Moron at Lifetime...

Now, I may not be a medical expert.
I have had to go to the emergency room because a half-dollar got lodged in my throat.
I once lost a bet where I thought that Russ from Friends was not David Schwimmer (though I'm till fighting that one...thank you Snaro)
I picked the Vikings to win the Super Bowl last year.
I once consumed 35 cans of pop in a single day.
And even I know there is no reason to wear your heart rate monitor/socks and nothing else while you're taking a shower at Lifetime!!!!
You may now continue with your day.

I couldn't sleep last night...

because I kept dreaming that when I went into work, they were going to ask me to make a report that takes all of the Prada away from all of the other products and I was freaking out because I didn't know how to dig into the database to find that information.

So, I'm not sure if that makes me gay...or hyper-gay, but either way, I'm fine with it. I just wish I knew how to seperate the Prada...

TAB Energy?

Have you seen this product in stores? TAB Energy?

First of all, I thought they stopped making TAB after the TAB Clear fiasco that still haunts my dreams when I think of all the possibilities. I mean seriously, has anyone seen this product in stores besides Johnny's One Stop Dollar Shop?

Second of all, TAB is a disgusting product. What it does is take all of the blehiness from Diet Rite and crams it together with whatever the hell was leftover from the old vats of OK! Soda (speaking of OK! Soda...why don't they bring that back in regular and energy forms. That's a product America is clamoring for). So, essentially it takes all the bad things from other pops and makes you think of typing. Mmmmmm...

And lastly, TAB is, and always has been, a drink for old people. You never see some young buck, chilling outside Starbucks, with a bottle of TAB on the table. No. The only place you ever see TAB is in the back of your Grandma's pop closet, gathering cobwebs, being used as a fort by the badgers feasting on old McDonald's Quarter Pounders.

So, why would they make that into an energy drink? The "energy drink fad" seems to be a young person things too. What's next? Metamucil Xtreme! Ensure Power! Fixodent Zero! There's a whole market here waiting to be exploited.

Go TAB Energy! Go!

Jason was really old...

While taking care of my parents dog Casey, I've come to the conclusion that Jason from Friday the 13th was, in actuality, a very old man shaped dog. Follow...

- I walk her out to go to use the facilities, and she takes about 14 minutes to walk 6 feet...like Jason.

- She sniffs around, trying to find her "victim" (aka the grass)...like Jason.

- She wields an axe and a tomahawk to kill unsuspecting teenagers in the heat of passion...like Jason.

Now, I think I've laid out a vey conclusive case, and if Casey was just more man shaped, as opposed to dog shaped, I think there's a real possibility that she would be starring in Jason v. Chucky. Alas, she's more dog shaped and just takes a long time to use the facilities. I got nothing.

I saw a guys hood pop up on his car while he was driving on the highway today. Good night! Hooray for sports!

Stage Fright Judgement?

When I go to a urinal, I always have a sneaking suspicion that the guy next to me is judging me and laughing at potential stage fright if he can't hear me peeing right away. To avoid this, I try to make the pee as loud as possible, by hitting the urinal cake with as much force as possible. That'll show that guy that this guy doesn't have stage fright.

It's strange living in my world...

So, I have pink eye now...

which is pretty cool. I'm hoping tomorrow to contract chicken pox and on Sunday, maybe I can lose another of my baby teeth and leave it for teh tooth fairy. Hoo-hah!

But anyway, I went to the doctor this morning, you know, to fix my unsightly, highly contagious condition. Now, as I had not expected to contract pink eye, because I'm not 8, I didn't have the forsight to make an appointment at the doctor's office. Which I thought would be fine, because they could turn me away if they didn't have any room.

But that wouldn't be good enough for the nurse who helped me. She called my name and abruptly walked away. Then, when she was weighing me (light-heavy middle weight), she mentioned the doctor wouldn't be in for 20 minutes ...because I showed up without an appointment.

I said I hadn't planned on getting pink eye, and that if I had known I was going to get it, I would have for sure made an appointment, at least two weeks in advance and brought a note from the principal saying it was okay if I got medicine to cure my ailment.

Apparently she didn't like my joking around, because she let me sit there for two and a half hours before the doctor came in for 8 seconds, said "yep, pink eye" popped out a prescription and sent me on my way.

Moral of the story...that nurse with the smelly feet sucks in more ways than one...

Rock Climbing...

Actual conversation overheard at LifeTime...

LifeTime Loser: Yeah, so a bunch of us are going rock climbing tomorrow. Do you want to go?
Bored Girl: (ignores LifeTime Loser)
LifeTime Loser: Yep, rock climbing sure is a lot of fun.
Bored Girl: (ignores LifeTime Loser harder)
LifeTime Loser: (looks towards the sky) Um, so, I like all kinds of rocks. What's your favorite kind?
Bored Girl: (ignores LifeTime Loser so hard I thought her head was going to explode)
LifeTime Loser: Well, if you decide you want to go, give me a call. We're all going to be there...
Bored Girl: (under her breath) Who? You and your turtle?
LifeTime Loser: (hopefully) What?
Bored Girl: (slaps her head for speaking to him) My milk...it's curdled. I gotta go. Good luck with your boating trip though...she Ben Johnson's the hell away from him)
LifeTime Loser: (trailing off) It's actually rock climbing, not boating...

Ahhh...good times. My readers will probably bombard him with e-mails, asking why they weren't invited to go rock climbing with him. Ahhhh, Bored Girl, if you only knew how lucky you were...

Another Urination Realization...

So, I'm at work, sitting in my cube, trying to differentiate between EW and JD, when all the drinking makes me realize I need to facilitate. Never one to hold it for the sake of holding it, I decided to get off my duff and head to the head.

Now, as I've mentioned before, we have two urinals in the bathroom at work. What I haven't mentioned is that they have a half partition. So, from about the chest to mid-thigh, there is a divider between the urinals, so you don't "accidently sneak a peek" (I'm talking to you on that one Norris). This is all well and good, unless you are there by someone who is a wide-peer.

When I got to the bathroom, one of the urinals was already in use. And it was this one guy. I forget his name, something like Stumpy the Wide Legged Pee Guy, or General Five Foot Leg Span. Whatever.

The point is, the divider offers no protection for you when you're next to him. His legs go under the divider and are about halfway across the other urinal. So, to go to the bathroom, you have to sidle in like you're trying to make room at the Metrodome and pretend that this is a non-issue.

Some day, I'm just going to stand where I normally stand and end up peeing on his leg. I will, colsarnit, I promise I will. So, Henry, or General or whatever your name is, better watch your leg next week, because this has to stop.

The Order Process...

Okay, this is the order process I've had to go through to get my 7 tubs of protein powder for lifting. I implore you, follow this very carefully and let me know if you've ever had more asinine non-service in your life. Thanks.

April 20, 2006
Order Number: 229
Detailed Invoice: 7 x Cytogainer 6.6 lbs (CS-CYTO6POUN) = $207.9
Flavor: cookies and cream

May 10, 2006
e-mail from Brent to Vitaplus...

I still haven't gotten the two of the containers. Are these on backorder? Are they shipping? I know I've already been charged, so I thought I'd check in on this again.

Brent Nelson

May 17, 2006
e-mail from Brent to Vitaplus after receiving no response to the previous one...

Never had lack of service like this from you before, so just checking if everything is okay. I think a month would be plenty of time to at least tell me if the items or on backorder or what's going on. Thanks.

Brent

May 17, 2006
response from Vitaplus...

It was sent out awhile ago.

Eddie Molina

May 17, 2006
e-mail response from Brent to Vitaplus...

Do you have any tracking info, because I never got it.

Brent

May 17, 2006
response from Vitaplus...





















May 17, 2006
e-mail response from Brent to Vitaplus...

Correct me if I'm wrong but wouldn't this be the single container, not the two I'm missing? It only weighed 7 pounds (which is only 1 container) and I'm missing two (which should have weighed 13 or 14 pounds). Right? Paging first grade...

May 23, 2006
e-mail from Brent to Vitaplus after receiving no response to the previous one...

Any word on this? I really don't think you've answered my question. There should be tracking numbers that correspond to about 45 pounds of shipments. Help (of any sort) would be fantastic at this point. Thanks.

Brent

May 23, 2006
response from Vitaplus...

another one went out to you bro.

Eddie Molina

May 23, 2006
e-mail response from Brent to Vitaplus...

So, you've been playing me the whole time and never sent it, yet charged me for it a month ago. Well played horrible-business owner, well played indeed. Maybe Enron could teach you a couple more accounting tricks to boost your profits. I hear Kenneth Lay might need a job, and there seems to be some synergy between you two. Look into it...

Spatulahead??

OK, I don't know how in the world Kevin (or whoever did it) accomplished it, but when I woke up this morning, there was music blaring in the den and my parents bedroom. And Kevin is in Mankato. So, unless he set some sort of timer, it probably wasn't him.

And it was ominous, creepy music. Like if the Exorcist was on a date with Bjork and instead of making sweet, sweet love, they decided to make bone-chilling music freakier than anorexic Lindsay Lohan.

The whole scene made me feel like I was in the House of Wax. And not the good House of Wax either, the House of Wax starring Paris Hilton. So it was like a nauseous kind of scared. But scared none the less.

I thought I'd turn around and Spatulahead would be there to lop my head off, in a fiendish attempt to attach my head on his shoulders, thus making the nickname Spatulahead obsolete, thuse going by his new nickname Johnny Bumphead.

So, in the end, what I'm saying is...it was freaky.

Plungocrisy...

Oh, I'm sure you've all been there. Willy getting stuck in the porcelain, no plunger on hand. A quick trip to the local Walgreen's, getting accused of using your sexiness to get a deal on said plunger. I mean, real run -of-the-mill stuff. But, since I didn't really have anything else to write about, here's how my trip to Walgreen's went last night:

After scouring the aisles, I finally found their "plunger section". And by section, I mean the only plunger in the store (who knew there was a run on plungers in the North Metro area). So, before Bilbo could steal the plunger, I lunged at it, swooped it up and sprinted it to the fron of the store, leaving tissue paper and Elmer's glue strewn everywhere in my wake.

I finally get to the front of the line and triumphantly gave Meghan, the cashier, the last plunger in the store. And here's our exchange:

Meghan: Looks me up and down warily, like a bouncer letting Richard Simmons into a strip club.
Brent: Smiles like an idot.
Meghan: Will this be it for you?
Brent: Yep, that'll do'er.
Meghan: Ugh...there's no price tag on here.
Brent: Sorry, it was the last one. It was $3.49 though.
Meghan: Hmm...I guess I'll have to believe you.
Brent: Yeah, I guess. Unless it's my big ruse to go to all the stores in the area, take off the price tags and then pay less when I get to the register, all in an attempt to sell the plunging end on the black market and use the stick ends for numchucks. Yep...what a devious plan.
Meghan: You're lucky you're cute, or I wouldn't take that sass mouth.
Brent: Looks around nervously
Brent: Ha ha. Yeah. Ummm...so...can I have my plunger?
Meghan: Sure, here you go. Don't do anything I wouldn't do with it.
Brent: Riiiight. Um...so good night then

And, as I left, the door opened for me. Because I'm beautiful. Well, actually because it was automatic, but if it hadn't been, it would have opened anyway (take that Family Guy...how does it feel? Does it burn??)

E-mail chain...

Brent: Sounds like a sweet little deal.
Alison: Yuh.
Brent: "Yuh's" are normally reserved for sarcasm...
Alison: I disagree. I think a"yuh" is also appropriate for something really obvious.
Brent: As the inventor and copywriter of "Yuh" I disagree and if you don't start using it in an appropriate manner, I will be forced to take legal action. Consider this your only warning...
Alison: Well as the inventor and copywriter of the spelling of "yuh" I disagree and have decided that you are no longer able to use the written form of "yuh". My apologies.
Brent: Well, there really isn't a written form if you're not allowed to use the verbal form. So, that makes your spelling moot. But, to avoid prosecution, I will change the spelling to the better choice of "Yuhh".
Alison: That is much too close to my cpoyrighted spelling...I am afraid I am going to have to pursue this matter in the courts.
Brent: Bring it on. I am well versed in legal mumbo-jumbo and will relish the opportunity to stick up for the small town businessman who has his idea trampled all over by the big, heartless corporation. You've met your match Tague...
Alison: You're a freak dude.
Brent: Yeah...you know this whole thing is going on the blog, right?
Alison: You mean you think people would find these e-mails entertaining? I find this highly doubtful.
Brent: You don't know my readership. Don't be all sassed out b/c (yep, just saved time) I'm so clever...
Alison: Clever...rrrright.
Brent: OK...you're waaaay out of line today. Not koshe with the Road Rules team...
Alison: Not koshe? I don't even know what that means.
Brent: I was saving time by shortening Kosher to Koshe, then I would have more free time to play with my Legos. Whheeeeee!!!
Alison: Were they giving out free crack at work or something?
Brent: Nothing is free in this life darlin'. Nothing....

The gimp offers little protection...

Now, the building I work at employs security guards, to feign interest in what is happening in the building, to stop people from smoking too close to the property and say hello as you grumble up to your cube in the morning. So, essentially, not a very hard job.

But, if you think of the true meaning of a security guard, they are there to...um...guard our security. And that's where I have a problem. One of the security guards at my building is about 108 and has a limp bigger than a cheetah on acid!

Now, I'm happy that the company is killing two birds with one stone, you know employing an elderly man and a handicapped individual. I think that's great. What I don't think is great is when I'm walking through the building and some Cher-himpersonator comes and assaults me and the guard can only rasp at them to "Stop, or I'll come over there" and then take 24 minutes to hobble the 8 feet that was between us.

I think if you're going to have a security guard, they should offer at least a smidge of security. I mean, there are some jobs that aren't right for some people. Sure, you could get away with putting Verne Troyer in the post against Shaq, but I wouldn't recommend it. You could also leave Dustin Diamond in charge of your kids, and while they'll come back scarred for life (you know what I'm talking about Diamond, you sick, sick bastard) they'll still be alive (albeit a shell of their former selves).

But those wouldn't be the ideal people for those jobs (for the record, the ideal people for those jobs are Manute Bol and Gary Coleman) just like having a 162 year old man with a debilitating limp isn't the ideal man to make sure the building is secure (the ideal person for that job is, again, Manute Bol)

So, building owned by the company that shall not be named, maybe you move this nice guy into a cushy corporate office and get someone down there who could actually lift up the 2 oz. can of mase you give them, instead of someone who I caught napping in his boxers...

The Nelson Kitchen - Volume 1 - Broccoli Burritos

Now, as many of you know, I'm known for my weird, quasi-healthy (but mostly just strange) eating habits. So, when I create something new to add to my collection of boring meals, I'm going to let you know, so those of you following my diet plan can give it a try. So, here goes...

Ingredients
- 6 egg whites
- 1 bag (4 cups) steamed broccoli
- half slice fat-free cheese
- 8 fish oil pills

Directions
- Put egg whites in frying pan (using Pam) and cook as if making over easy eggs. Flip the whole thing once halfway through cooking
- Steam bag of broccoli
- While cooking broccoli and eggs, swallow the 8 fish oil pills
- Put half slice of fat free cheese on the egg whites
- Pour bag of broccoli over top of cheese and eggs
- Fold eggs as if they were the tortilla of the burrito and the broccoli is the meat.

Nutrition Facts
- Carbs: 17 g
- Protein: 30.5 g
- Fat: 8 g
- Calories: 262

Vance and V's wedding...

All drones to the front of the spaceship for a special announcement. I repeat, all drones to the front of the vessel...

Ahhh...last night was the much anticipated event; Vance and V's wedding. There was dancing, flasks, stupendous drinking by Mr. Casey and, of course, mass consumption of magically delicious cake. Overall...an excellent time.

However, I mus apologize to anyone who I may have offended. Now, as many of you may not remember, I'm a bit of a baby. And, what happens when babies stay up too late? They get cranky (or kranky, if you will). Well, once it hits midnight, I strapped on (pun intended) my footsie pajamas and grabbed my binkie, because I was in for some krankiness. So, I apologize for anyone who I was upset with, because it was no one's fault but mine, because I just wanted to sleep.

So, yeah. To sum it up, it was a fun night, Demon ruled the dance floor and Brent is a big baby who gets cranky and takes it out on people.

Hoo-hah! That is all. All drones please return to your work stations and commence biogenesis...

Get your groove on Brian Harper...

Dirty: I was bored at work the other day, so I did some checking on how much money I'll possibly make on our employee stock program.
Nelly: Oh yeah?
Dirty: Yeah. I figured out that if it continues to do as well as it's done recently, by the time I retire, I'll have 230 million dollars.
Nelly: Hmmm...
Dirty: And that's without putting any more money in!
Nelly: So, what's the rate of return you were using to make these calculations.?
Dirty: Well, currently it's been doubling every seven months.
Nelly: Riiiiigghhht. So, anyhoo, can I be the manager when you buy the Twins?
Dirty: Of course.
Nelly: Sweet butter! Paging Brian Harper, paging Brian Harper, you have a call on the white courtesy phone. Brian Harper, the Twins need a DH on the white courtesy phone.

In this corner...

Fighting out of the blue corner, wearing the plaid trunks, is the one, the only, Jerry "The King" Lawlor! And his ooponent, fighting out of the red corner, wearing the Russian dressing is the world famous six-inch Subway Club on wheat!

This match is scheduled to go 12 rounds. Subway Club has declared this is a title match and has put his Super-Ultra-Potato-Middleweight-Intercontnental-Table-Mega-Hyper-Spork Belt on the line!!

Now, in the tradition of the WWE, this match has a catch. This is known as the Eat or Be Eaten match. The first wrestler to completely eat the other one, then wash it down with an ice cold Pepsi-Cola, Pepsi-Cola is the choice of a new generation, will get to wear the belt and get one night with the 12 wonder of the ancient world...CHYNA!!

The King...are you ready? Subway Club...are you ready? OK, tap gloves gentlemen and come out chompin'...

Softball season's starting, we'll party tonight...

Ahh...it's that time of year again. The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them... as is my understanding. And by that, only two words come to mind...Are you ready for some softball??

So yes, by your opening of this e-mail, you have hereby confirmed that you are on the staff roster, or playing as an alternate, for the successful softball franchise Yarrr. We're not attractive (formerly known as More Cowbell).

Our first game is scheduled for Tuesday, April 25th at 6:00. The location is Bryn Mawr #9 (located here http://www.minneapolisparks.org/default.asp?PageID=4&parkid=253). I have never been there before, therefore, I don't know anything about fences, lights or access to young schoolchildren (sorry Dirty). I will bring schedules then.

I have not ordered T-Shirts, as I've become more and more uncreative recently and my latest thought was to have a picture of one eyed Willy wearing a turban...but I snapped myself out of that one. If everyone decides on T-Shirts, we can do that.

Since it looks like no T-shirts and we have 10 full time players, it's going to be $40 for everyone who signed up as a full-time player. You can give cash, checks, food stamps to me at the game.

We should probably have a practice sometime in the next couple of weeks before the first game so we can be well on our way to beating our stupid record from last year and hopefully mitigate the amounts of times we're shut out. I still can't believe we were actually shut out last year. So, we can set that up...I'm thinking the 22nd or 23rd. Let me know when works best.

If you're still reading this, I commend your patience, or deplore your lack of options of things to do with your life. You shall be richly rewarded. Here's a little something for the effort; there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed...you will receive total consciousness. So you've got that going for you...which is nice.

Devo, please print this out and give it to Carolyn to give to Denny.

The Nile ate my baby!!

My updates have been poor to sub-poor recently. There really is no excuse for this. I have not come down with the dreaded disease that causes Claphyllis. I have not lost my mind in a freak boking accident. Pure and simple, I have become as lazy as antelopes. Whether that means watching TV, driving here and yonder, to and fro and around we go; regardless, I have not had the mind to update my blog.

I have no worth as a person. If my lack of recent writing ability were a river, it would be the gandiose Nile...from the Pharoahs of Egypt to the mighty, mighty racism of South Africa, who doesn't love the Nile? I, for one, do not. Because I lost my baby to the Nile and I will never (NEVER!!) allow a river to swallow me whole again.

But I digress, that isn't the point of my entry, as I assume we all have gripes about the lousy Nile and all it's craptacular tributaries. Avast!

I pledge to you, that I will attempt to make updates more often, and whilst they may not be funny or entertaining, they will at minimum be strange and will make you wonder what kind of drugs I've been smoking (Lipitor).

So, you have that going for you, which is nice. Now...on to what we all came here for...hardcore nudity (attach naked picture of David Duchovny here)

Johnny Bestface - Episode 1 - The Diner

Theme Song [sung by a midget in a panda costume, wearing a top hat, riding a hedgehog]

He's Joooohhhnnny, yep he's Johhhnnny, that's Johnny Bestface
He's the best, best, best
Better than the rest, rest, rest
The tests, tests, tests, he always passed, passed, passed
3rd base on a 1st date, he moves fast, fast, fast
His life kicks ass, ass, ass
That's why he's Joooohhhnnny, that's Johnny Bestface

[Deep Announcer Voice] On tonight's episode, Johnny goes to a diner with his pal CurleyWang...and hilarity ensues...let's watch...

{Scene: The inside of a greasy coffee shop, where the only two patrons are Johnny Bestface and Curley Wang. They're sitting at a booth in the corner}

Johnny: Dag! Seriously, that Portabella Mushroom tasted just like a steak! My toes are literally curling right now. Feel these nipples (opens his shirt for Curley to feel his nipples)
Curley: You're a nipple.
Johnny: (bows his head in disgust and sighs) I'm a nipple? What? That doesn't even make sense. (looks at the imaginary crowd to his right while chicken winging them) Did you hear that? I don't even know what to do with that! That rickwangulas!
Curley: (sits in stunned silence)
Johnny: See, that's the difference between us Curley. I know when to make a nonsensical joke and you don't. That's why I'm the best!

Theme Song starts playing again and the credits roll...

*If you were at all entertained by this little skit...I'm speechless*

Golden Tan...

I opened the door and walked into Golden Tan. I go there about once a week, you know, to make myself pretty. Or prettier. As if that's even possible. Or possiblye. But I digress…

So, I walk in there, and have an appointment for my normal bed. And the following exchange happens, which has never happened before, but might again…

(sidenote: I have no idea what this girls name was, probably Bambi, or Candi with a heart dotting the eye, or Fatina, or some other stripper name. For the purposes of this story, I will simply call her Puke…)

Puke: Hello and welcome to Golden Tan.
Brent: Hi, my name is Brent Nelson and I have a 3:40 appointment.
Puke: On which bed?
Brent: The Viper bed.
Puke: And did you bring your tanning lotion?
Brent: Umm…I don't use "tanning lotion".
Puke: And you find the bed working for you?
Brent: Yeah…
Puke: Huh…that's weird?
Brent: WTF? How's that "weird"? You offer a product…called a tanning bed…and I use it…to tan. If it doesn't work without your magically delicious "tanning lotion", maybe you should think about putting them together as a package that you must get.
Puke: But some…
Brent: Can I complete a paragraph without the annoying whine of your voice interrupting me?
Puke: Buh…
Brent: Maybe learn a little something from the automotive industry. You know, they never sell you a car, and then when you come to pick it up, ask you if you brought your engine with you. No, the good people at GM decided that if it doesn't work without a component of it, you should probably have the component priced in!! You think?!? Huh?!? Does that make sense to you, Bambi??
Puke: My name is Cassandra?
Brent: Like I give a butt what kind of stripper name you have?
Puke: Your bed is ready, sir.
Brent: Oh, thanks.
Puke: So, did you want some tanning lotion?
Brent: (jumps over the counter and starts pummeling Puke with a beeker-bocker)

Uncomfortable E-Mail of the Week

This e-mail came in today from reader Will S. Umm...yikes.

Brent,

You were in my dream last night. We were hanging out somewhere, and I kept raving to you about how good your blog has been recently. No lie...and creepy.

Ahhh...I love my loyal readers.

Loser List...

I admit it; most of the time I don't in face root for somebody, I root against somebody. Call it low self-esteem, call it bitterness, call it whatever you want, the fact remains: I much prefer to watch someone fail than I do watching someone do well.

There are certain people that I enjoy watching fail. Of course, I'm always rooting for someone like Jason McElwain, because stories like that give me chills. But what also gives me chills is watching people who I have no respect for, or people who annoy me, fail. In actuality, these moments give me more chills than watching something inspiring, like Jason.

So, to honor this moment of self-discovery (after knowing it for years but being afraid to admit it) I am creating my first annual Loser List. This is the list of people who I always root against and nothing brings me more joy than when they fail.

This list is in no way all inclusive, as it is ever evolving. You see, I find new reasons to resent people everyday, so the list can never be complete. So, without further ado, I will give you the current top 5 on the Loser List. Feel free to let me know the people you love to watch fail...

Loser List Top 5
1. A.J. Pierzynski - This bastard has been on the top of my list for 4 years. I don't think there has ever been a more disgusting, me-first, wang-sucking athlete in the world. The World Series victory by the White Sox last year made me want to puke...all because of this douche.
2. Kina - I can not stand her. Every time they show he on screen, I want to ram a stapler through her ear, to try to get her to shut up. But, since she's a zombie, that would only make her stronger. Seriously, if Randy gets voted off next week, it will make my whole week.
3. Bode Miller - He thinks he's fantastic. I love how lax he got in his training and how he called out Bonds and McGwire as cheats. Great guy. Conveniently forgot to mention about his trips to Mexico for the drugs that are illegal in the U.S. At least when Bonds and McGwire "cheated" they got some awards. Nothing like 8th place, right Bode?
4. Daunte Culpepper - Ahh...a new addition to the list. I can't wait until Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas beat the crap out of him after his 18th interception of the year. Enjoy Miami...enjoy.
5. Stephon Marbury - There's something very satisfying watching him lose. Am I glad the Wolves don't have him? Hell yes, even though we have Marko Polo. I still remember when Marbury requested the trade because he wasn't the best guy on the team. You know the correct way to fix that problem? Practice. It's been fun watching him suck the last couple of seasons...good times...

Chicago St. Patrick's Day??

Demon: Is anyone up for St. Patrick's Day in Chicago?
Nelly: I don't like Leprechans, so I will be unable to attend...
Demon: As a little chicken would say..."chirp chirp"...
Nelly: You're thinking of a koala...

Betty White...Au Naturel

My Rainbow Bill blog caused a host of heated responses from readers who had similar deals or were interested in the ins and outs of scoring the mother load. The culmination of these e-mails was for one of my readers, Ms. Beth, to send me a naked picture of Betty White. I kid you not people, this was Betty White, in the buff. Now Dan, I know you're thinking of Golden Girls while your tongue hangs out, but this appeared to be a vintage photo of Betty White from the 50's when she was just a little Rose from St. Olaf. Either way, they were not as disturbing as the naked pictures I've seen of Bea Arthur. So, I have two things to say in summary:

1. Thank you, Miss Beth, for making one half of my naked Golden Girls dream come true. Now, if you happen to have any nudie photos of Rue McClanahan or Estelle Getty, we may be in business.
2. Thank you, Miss Betty White, for having the sheer guts, nay moxie, to appear in the buff. Just so everyone knows; they're real and they're spectacular!

Rainbow bill = $29.70???

That's right, my Rainbow bill for 10 24-packs of Diet Dr. Pepper came to $29.70. That's $2.97 per 24-pack, which normally go for $6.99 each.

Now, as you all know, I've been called cheap numerous times in my life, but I prefer to think of myself as thrifty. I like to look for good deals. Hell, if someone offered me free naked pictures of Betty White, I'd have to consider it, because how much do naked pictures of Betty White normally cost??

So, I'm in Rainbow, trying to see if they have a good deal on cottage cheese (by the way, they did and I also picked up 12 containers of cottage cheese, but that deal wasn't so stunning, so I don't really feel the need to go into details) when I see a Diet Dr. Pepper display right next to the cottage cheese. I looked at the sign and it screamed out at me:

"4-packs of Diet Dr. Pepper...Buy 1 get 1 Free"

...and it went on to state that a 4-pack of Diet Dr. Pepper normally is $.99.

So, I did my quick Puma math and realized that a 24-pack was going to cost me only $2.97. I went over to the regular pop section to price compare quickly and saw the following prices for Diet Dr. Pepper:

12-pack of Diet Dr. Pepper: $4.09
24-pack of Diet Dr. Pepper: $6.99

I looked around for a minute. So, I can either buy 60 4-packs for $29.70 or 10 24-packs for $69.99? Really? The only thing I had to worry about was feeling like a freak bringing those 4-packs to the front, but since I was already wearing an upside down visor and a T-shirt that said "Holy Butt!!", I thought the freak ship had already sailed.

So, I loaded up all my 4-packs, made a break to the front and watched as the cashier rang through all 60 4-packs in disgust.

Now, I drink a ton of pop and I have never seen a deal this good. As I sit here, I am contemplating heading back there for another run. I suggest you do the same...

I Discovered Butter!

Co-Worker 1: So, have you ever been to Treasure Island?
Co-Worker 2: Yeah, but I got beat pretty bad. I was playing slots though. Now, since I've discovered Blackjack, that's all I want to play.
Brent: What a fantastic discovery! You must have felt like Magellan, or like me the time I went to the fridge and discovered butter.
Co-Worker 2: (looks at Brent with a death stare)
Brent: I think I'm going to go to the pop machine and see if I can discover a soda next.
Brent: (puts money in the machine and a Diet Coke rolls out)
Brent: Holy butt! Did you see that Co-Worker 2?? Incredible!!
Co-Worker 2: (walks away in a huff)

Back to Back!!

Vance:
Not a good week for Tall Dan. First, Thursday he eats some ripened eggs and then he wasn't even the tallest person in the bar on Saturday. This was pointed out to him a several million times.

Nelly:
Someone kept yelling for them to go back to back, but Tall Dan was unresponsive, probably out of shame at not openly being the tallest guy in the bar. How can you be not open about being the tallest guy in the bar? Beats me, but a guy who wasn't afraid would go back to back with his opponent.

Tall Dan:
It's like I stated at the bar, being tall doesn't mean I should have to go back to back with another Tallperson. I don't make you guys go face to face with other ugly people.

Nelly:
Well, if you wouldn't go back to back, you could have at least gone cheesy goatee to cheesy beard...

Tommy Langer:
Or small wang to small wang...

Nelly:
Dag!! Tall Dan just got faced!! Who has the fire extinguisher?? HOLLER!

Top 10 Reasons I Like Cottage Cheese

10. It's portable; put it in a cooler and you're savoring the bite sized goodness hours later.
9. It's white; like Will Smith.
8. It doesn't talk back to you, like it's good for nothing cousin, Shredded Cheese.
7. It never makes you feel self-conscious about the pants you decided to wear.
6. It loves you whether you bowl a 98 or a 246.
5. Three words; Cottage. Cheese. Pizza.
4. If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, there's no way the doctor will F with the Cottage Cheese.
3. Cottage cheese comes from cows, not horses; HOLLER!!
2. It never gets old; like Top 10 lists.
1. I can put Cottage Cheese in it's place anytime I want if it ever gets lippy with me.

Power Rankings 2005: Director's Commentary

These are the 2005 Power Rankings for the fiscal year ending 2005. The author is in question, as no one will take credit, and credit keeps getting passed around. As a sidenote, I still do not understand whether you want to be ranked high or low. It seems like this should be more of a recap as opposed to a ranking, since the rankings seem innocuous, at best. But, they are what they are. As always, comments by the Director (Herr Nelson) are added in red. Enjoy!

Power Rankings
End of Year 2005
We are all saddened by the lateness of these rankings. I set my biological clock to these, so let's try to get on the ball, Cap't Unknown Author. It's almost Smarch, damn it!!

*Apologies for the tardiness.
**Due to complaints from the last power rankings, the author has tried to tone down the truhiness (Steven Colbert reference) because he hopes not to get any hateful phone calls this year, he but still felt compelled to report the year’s rankings so we know where we stand. Hateful phone calls are actually sent out with love, and the threateningness (Brent Nelson reference) was unintended. The author, who will remain nameless, loves all of you with his whole heart, and otherwise wouldn’t have spent this stupid amount of time writing this worthless document. Worthless? Then what the F does this make my director's commentary?? Seriously, he loves you all.

1. Kelltech/ Kelldog . Oh, how the mighty have fallen. This coveted number 1 spot must have really been important to you that you felt compelled to get MARRIED to take over Will’s throne. I assume the throne that is being spoken of is first place in the rankings last year, not some reference to the special toilet in Shadow's house. And thanks for making us all finally think about “growing up.” Seriously, we appreciate that. Will is obviously slated for big things next year so the ante has been raised, gentleman, the ante has been raised. Jake, I believe in you for doing something retarded enough in California that you take out the early favorite Shadow for Rank 1 2006. Are you allowed to talk about the rating next year already? Can we have handicaps? Odds? There has to be a way to make some money off this thing.
2. Shadow. Nice self nickname. What is it about people giving themselves nicknames that makes me want to hurl my face through a Anthrax flavored Jell-O mold? Sorry "Shadow". Seems like yesterday the Inaugural Power Rankings (July 22, 2004) came out and propelled your relationship with one Leslie Lambert into bliss. Does Om know about that yet, or are we all still keeping it a secret? Well, all of us besides Shorts. And yet, like the NE Patriots, one championship wasn’t enough for you. You retooled, and took a shot at The Championship by proposing to the One Who Got You There in the first place. Which is a very strong reason to propose. You know, after love, money, similar interests. The power of the rankings compels you!! Well played, you stubbly wonder child, well played. Seriously, our wedding gift to you is the Mach 18, Gillette’s new razor. Can't we just mirror their ceiling for the gift??
3. Brentendo/ Murder. I think I’m going to start a blog that focuses on my inability to get and retain women, and recount the disasters I’ve experienced with them. The blog was meant for entertainment purposes, I just didn't realize my pain was so entertaining...and I like to give the people what they want. Seems to have worked for you. You’ve catapulted up the Rankings this year with mysterious Alison. Mission accomplished! That’s what sucks about having you live so far away. We are all dying with curiosity to see first woman that has stolen your heart since Al, Ryhme’s friend. Ahh Al, I remember her. Not good times. Or maybe it was the quickness with which you picked up fantasy players? Seems you’ve turned your fantasy football into fantasy life. Yes, that's what makes me me, and put me in the championship game two years in a row. And two streaight years of summer hold'em champ. HOLLER! Does Alison weigh her food before she eats it too? Umm...no, because she's normal. I still do that though.
4. Sarvo. You sneaky entrepreneurial sunovabitch. Korea…Every picture you send us looks like Korea is the place of manna and honey (I assume manna is some sort of goat), and from what I hear from those who have been out to see you the honeys are flocking to you like the geese of Kapastrano—mainly to see your silk like moves on the dance floor. I understood two words in that sentence. Sounds like the Korean night scene equivalent of NYC in the 80’s—everyone’s high on something called “Joe” and there’s enough love to go around. Are you saying people in NYC in the 80's were high on coffee? The author is losing me here. And as we have discussed, the best thing about being in Korea is that you KNOW your cock is bigger than the guy next to you (the law of proportionate sizing). Chong Li is fin to whoop your ass.
5. Tito. This was the year of Kim’s demise. Am I allowed to say finally yet, or will they get back together and make me eat my words? Congrats, Toast. It only took you 18 months to wean yourself from the teat of Kim. I would have said boob. You know, dumb it down a bit. And apparently you were so depressed from that separation that you decided to relive your college days. Oh, God. You work at Bravo again. Where, like Samuel Jackson, he is Da Man. You have to be the only law student I’ve ever heard of who was inspired to launch a career as an attorney by the fact that he was pissed about getting a DUI. Solid reasoning. Like Mick Jaggar and his choice of shirts. And where has that gotten you? You still lie that you don’t have your license back every weekend and make us cart you around. It's called savviness.
6. Petey. No man has ever sent out more phone calls from mysterious places than you, Pete. If I had a dollar for every time Rob came into my room on a Sunday morning and said, “Pete just called, and was whispering that he didn’t know where he was and then abruptly hung up leaving me really worried about him” I’d have like 4 dollars. I find it interesting that Rob walks into the author's room in the morning. Have we figured out this riddle yet? And then later after we get the story, you just say the sleepover you had “you’d rather not talk about.” Sounds like Toast. Sounds like Jake.
7. Lil’ Jake. Speaking of which, didn’t you go to California to chase Sarah down once and for all only to have her move back to the Midwest where you just came from? FACED!! Now that’s funny. You always bitched about your job at Marsh (which sounds like a grocery store) and then took the same one in San Francisco? At least it's not more expensive there. Are you telling us something buddy? All those “girls” you hooked up with on all of our trips late night were actually West Coast fancy boys shacking up in San Fran—the city of “brotherly love?” Why does the author know about West Coast fancy boys? Hmmm...
8. The Quick One. The author doesn’t want to say anything truthful about James or he might inflict pain. Well there is one thing. Has anyone ever seen a guy get told he is soooooo hot and wondering if he is a model more without taking advantage? Maybe he's playing hard to get, like a seahorse at mating time? Or, maybe he's deciding who to keep for football next year, K. Jones or M. Vick. James is so picky with his women that don’t stack up to Rhymes that the author is beginning to think about calling Rhymes to see what the big attraction was that two of his best friends were all about it at very points in time. Almost at the same point. Man, does Om get the shaft.
9. Renob. Well, you had a temporary derailing a few months back, and what a derailing it was, but you seem to have righted the ship. Since I live in MN, I have no idea what this is referencing, but I have to assume it has to do with something nautical and the Loch Ness Monster. So...good things. This year has seen you go from an assistant Freshman b-ball coach to running an entire basketball program. Whoah! Good thing the AD didn’t see your girlfriend at Sweatpants New Year’s. Irrelevant. (that might not make sense but the author felt compelled to include the rate at which your girlfriend was making out with everyone at the party). Everyone? Go sweatpants!
10. Shoe. Not much to report here. But you get the prize for the worst move of the year. What about returning to Bravo? You are stuck in the middle of suburbia where no one seems to be able to locate you. Instead of living in the heart of Kentucky, with the rest of the hicks. And you dragged Pete in the hole with you. Thanks for that. (Maybe that’s where he is every morning when he calls Rob not knowing where he is).
11. Shorts/ Linc. Another self nickname. I'm in Hell! Do you have to keep trying to get Linc to stick? Give it up. Lost the marriage race with Bri, now you’ve resorted to hanging out with one of his old girlfriends. Is it Katie? Is it Sex Town? I know nothing. That is truly pathetic. What? You are so hard up that you have to recycle? Maybe you shouldn’t have broken up with Katie. Not sure what’s worse: that or the fact that you are also practically dating a gay guy who happens to have some serious influence over your career. OK, so this took a turn for the strange. It's like Apocolypse Now, only without all the redeeming messages at the end. Genius. And did anyone mention gay? Not sure what happened those four months you disappeared inside your house to rehab it, but the results are not good or healthy. And speaking of the house, the answer is no, no one wants another tour or to hear about the project you are working on next. This is true. At least you don't have broken glass on the floor from the Hof "being pushed down".
12. Om. You missed trip #3. You didn’t pay in fantasy football. He actually did, which is more than I can say for some people. No one has seen you around since your College Days Marijuana dealer’s funeral. Thank god Kellett got married or we may have never seen you again. I tried to fight Om after the wedding. Good times. Your many girlfriends are like Toast at a party—you hear all about them but you just can’t bring yourself to think they are real. Om has brought numerous girlfriends for other people in our group. The only thing keeping you from the cellar again is that Hart is making his rookie debut in the rankings.
13. Hart. Ahhh...Andy. Welcome to the ranking, friend. It only took your 6 months to break up with a girl you admitted you didn’t really like after 2 weekends with her. And yet you kept bringing her to Park place to sleep on your couch-bed there and then fly around the world with her because she was a pilot. Yeah, that’s classy. And why do you still live in Whosville, Ohio? Stay classy Whosville. Has anyone ever been there or even know where that is? By the way, big money has you as next to follow Kelltech and Shadow down marriage lane. I'll take that bet...

Some guy...

So, I'm standing in front of the elevator at my new building. This building has elevators on one side that go from floors 1-12 and elevators on the other side that go from 13-24. I was standing there, facing the 1-12 elevators and some guy was next to me and he decided that I needed my daily aggravation early in the morning.

Brent: (standing there, minding his own business, silently supplicating that no one talks to him)
Some Guy: (looks at Brent) Hey, pretty cold out this morning.
Brent: (bows head in vexation) Well, it is winter.
Some Guy: You got that right!
(painful silence)
Some Guy: So, these elevators only go up to floor 12?
Brent: (wishing anvil would fall on his head) Yep.
Some Guy: Hmm. That's what I thought.
Brent: (turns and walks to the stairs)

Hello Auto...

So, I was standing at the urinal, minding my own business. Since my new office building offers nothing to read on the wall in front of me, I was forced to find my own entertainment for the minute and forty-eight seconds I was at the urinal. Mostly because of stage fright, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyhoo, I looked straight ahead and noticed that automatic flusher. It's pretty nice. Black. Polished. Made by Sloan. I assume they make a superior product.

Then, since there was no one next to me, I started pulling a Stevie Wonder and moved my head side to side, sans the singing of course. I noticed the urinal next to me also had an automatic flusher, which you would expect. However, this one was silver. Polished. Pretty nice. It was made by Taiko. I figure they also make a superior flusher.

But I got to thinking, if there are only two urinals, and they both have automatic flushers, why would they not have flushers made by the same brand? Was the designer of the bathroom (I'll call him L. Ron) trying to compare which was actually the best at automatically flushing? Was this bathroom his little test tube? Are we the guinea pigs for Mr. L. Ron?

Or was he so torn between the two flushers that he just couldn't decide? Perhaps he owns shares of both companies and wanted to help boost both their stock prices, which I can only assume are through the roof; everybody creates urination.

But I think those two ideas are a little off the wall. I think it's pretty obvious that the Taiko automatic flusher has a hidden camera in it because it's on the lower urinal, which allows it to catch action shots of "wangs". Then, Dr. L. Ron goes to his Scientology web site and sells said pictures of "wangs" for profit. So, I think it's pretty obvious which flusher you should be using by it's slogan:

Taiko...where your wang is the STAR!

It's good to be back!

(p.s. I'm huge into exclamation points now! Enjoy!)

Timberwolves Trade Analysis

Well, McHale is obsessed with Ricky Davis. Remember when they signed him to an offer sheet a couple of years ago? Now...is he good? Yep. Does he try all the time? Nope. Can KG keep him in line? Who knows.

Now, in the end, I like this trade. I have never been a huge Wally fan, except when he's borrowing porn from King and Scho. But he has never really done it for me. Sure, he's great offensively, but he's a defensive liability. Now, they have some very strong defensive players to lock down opposing teams. The problem is, they still have no one who will step up in clutch time on offense. Wally never did it. Spree and Cassell would, but they've been gone. KG will not step up. Will Davis? Who knows. But I like the option of trying him out as opposed to sitting there with Wally.

I also like that Kandi is gone. Is Blount a big upgrade? Hell yes. Is he a great center? Hell no. Does he have the ability to be solid, play defense, grab some boards, not do a crappy little hook shot that misses everytime he shoots it and not be a black hole on offense, where the ball is never coming back when he gets it? Yep. And that's what we need out of a center. The problem is, if he doesn't regain his 03-04 form, we're on the hook for a lot of money for a slightly-above-medicore center. Plus, this is Kandi's last year. So, Blount has to respond, or that part of the trade is bogus.

I also don't like the trade of draft picks. Though McHale blows at drafting, why would you get two second round picks and give up your first round pick? Oh, yeah, because we're on the hook for so much money to Blount, we wouldn't be able to afford a first round draft pick.

So, this trade really comes down to: Will Davis step up in the clutch and can Blunt prove that his one good year was not a fluke? I say yes on the first and no on the second. But...at least Kandi is gone...

Fat Tina??

I was at Lifetime today and as I walked by the "massage" room, I noticed a picture of a masseuse. She appeard to be a large Samoan girl, but that's not why I noticed her, because, let's not kid ourselves here, if the Peniata's are any indication, that is not unusual. But I digress...

I noticed her because of her unusual name. It was Fatina. Of course, I immediately thought that her name was Fat Tina and found it interesting that it fit her. Then, I began to see the awkwardness of it all. Imagine back in 9th grade when she went to cheerleading tryouts:

Fatina: Hi, I'm here to try out for cheerleading.
Snotty Cheerleader Captain: Fine. Whatever. What's your name? Like, duh.
Fatina: Fatina.
Snotty Cheerleader Captain: (snickers to herself) Umm...okay Fat Tina.
Fatina: Why are you laughing?
Snotty Cheerleader Captain: (whispers something in the ear of her cheerleading cohort and they start laughing like morons) Oh...no reason...Tina.
Fatina: Can I be on the top of the pyramid?
Snotty Cheerleader Captain: (looks at the rest of the cheerleaders and rolls her eyes, while puffing out her cheeks and stomping on the ground like an angry baboon) No, Fat Tina, I don't think you should be on top of the pyramid.
Fatina: (squints her eyes while looking at the Snotty Cheerleader Captain. The Snotty Cheerleader Captain explodes and blood and innards coat the whole cheerleading squad) Don't F with the Fat Tina!!!
Cheerleading Cohort: So, Fat Tina was a witch. Hmmm. Makes sense.

I'm sure that's about how it happened, because with a name like Fat Tina, you're either going to be picked on a ton or learn how to use witchery to defend yourself against people who make fun of your name.

Come to think of it, if I ever have a daughter, I'm going to name her Fatina. And if I have a son, he's going to be Fathomas. And soon, the entire world will be under the spell of the Fat Nelsons. (Brent starts emitting an evil sounding laugh)

It begins...

Well, apparently it's starting already. I didn't expect it to begin until at least six months from now, but the first article appeared today. What am I talking about? The first article insinuating (or flat out saying) that MArk McGwire doesn't belong in the Hall of Fame when he becomes eligible next year. The article I speak of appears on ESPN.com and is by Gene Wojciechowski. This prompted the following e-mail from me to Mr. Wojciechowski:

I bet a million bucks you'd hit zero homers, even if you had "better chemistry". Being ethical is a hazy line, and I see nothing ethically wrong with doing something that was not against the rules at the time it happened!! If we're going this route, why not take all the players who didn't wear a batting helmet out of the Hall of Fame? I mean, come on, it's a rule now, so that must mean that everyone at that time period should conform, even though there were no rules against it at the time. Seriously, get off your high horse. I think it's a good thing you don't have a HOF vote and I hope it stays that way...

God, I really do not see the point of these debates. Let's break it down right now:

1. There has been no admission of any illegal activity
2. IT WASN'T FIRKING ILLEGAL AT THE TIME IT WAS BEING DONE!!!!!

I think I've proved my point. Some other things we'll have to conside if Mr. Wojciechowski's line of reasoning permeates the people who have an actual vote (who I hope are not morons like Wojciechowski is)

• Kevin Garnett will not be allowed to be in the NBA Hall of Fame: He came straight out of high school and was drafted when he was 18. Everyone know the rules say you have to be 19 to be drafted and play in the NBA. So, he broke the rules, hence, all his accomplishments don't count. What do you mean, it wasn't illegal at the time? That has no bearing on anything, right Mr. Wojciechowski?
• Pete Incaviglia gets his single season NCAA homerun record taken away: He was using a bat that has been deemed illegal today, because the difference between the length and weight is too great. It doesn't matter that others at the same time were using the bat. It was their choice to use it and they knew it may be illegal in the future, jeopardizing all records they set when there were no rules against it. What do you mean they're not Nostradamus? They should just know if something might be considered wrong and illegal, right Mr. Wojciechowski?
• Pete Maravich loses his NCAA career scoring record: You see, at that time, coaches were allowed to have the players practice as many hours as they wanted a week. Currently, the rules indicate that you can only practice so many hours a week. This made the players in the past that much better, hence allowing them to score more. So, since it's illegal now, we need to make sure the record books reflect that. What the hell are you talking about? The coaches made them practice? Doesn't matter! The kids can't do it today, so we need to remove those records from when it was allowed, right Mr. Wojciechowski?

As you can see, I could go on all day. But I won't. But soon, there will be a ton of these articles and I'm going to have to start my own website (www.youareadoucheifyoudonotvotemarkmcgwireintothehalloffame.com) to refute their claims. Either that, or my head will implode into itself and no one will ever hear from me again...