So sorry...

Now, I know I have ones of followers who expect moderately clever things from me, possibly on a daily basis.

However, I will be out of town for the next week and there is a very good likelihood that there will not be updates. But, after that, I'll be back in whatever kind of force I was in before...

Movie preview...

So, Alison and I were at the movies and we saw a preview for the Clint Eastwood movie, Gran Torino, and had the following conversation.

Brent: Hey, does Clint Eastwood die in that movie?
Alison: I don't know.
Brent: Because it really looks like he's going to die...

Idiot...

So, it snowed here about 6 inches a couple days ago. And we have a moron who plows our street (apparently, Waterstone doesn't pay all that well).

What he decided to do was create a nice speed bump, disguised as a snow drift. Allow me to elaborate...

As you can see, first he plowed everything one way. Then, he plowed it the other way. Then, it was all plowed into a big speed ramp thing, disguised as a snow drift that you can drive through. Then, Brent tried to drive Alison's new car through the drift and went airborne...and new car values flashed before his eyes...

Lame. Merry Christmas Eve all...you're welcome Sikes...

Being a CSI is easy...

So, I get this e-mail inviting me to become a CSI.

Man, if it's as easy as checking the "solved" beaker, you might as well have a monkey (or a really smart dolphin) be your CSI...

Weird...

So, we're at Target yesterday and I see three teenage kids walking around, no cart or anything, and one of them is holding a tall wooden stool, like you'd set at a bar. But just one of them has one. The other two don't have anything.

Which leads one to ask, 'how did this come to be?'

Do you think it went like this:

Kid A: Hey dude, what are you up to?
Kid B: Nada
Kid C: Nichts (sidenote: I assume Kid C is German. Don't know why. Just a hunch)
Kid A: Want to go to Target? I have to pick up a stool for my mom.
Kid B: Aw snap. You said stool!
Kid C: Herrlich!
Kid A: Come on...let's go...

And that's how they ended up there? Or do you think it was more of a spur of the moment stool purchase?

Man, if I enjoyed people at all, I would have found this out from them...

My "modeling" debut!

As many of you know, I had a photo shoot with Lifetime Fitness about a year ago. Well, I occasionally check their website to see if any of my pictures made it. And today...one did! Kind of.

Here it is:

I know, I know. Pretty disappointing. They took about half of the pictures like that and the other half we were both facing the camera. Apparently, they didn't want my smoldering good looks to detract from the health shake that's near Wade's arm.

Regardless...still very exciting...for me. Hopefully more will pop up...

Apparently 80 year old women love Facebook...

Now, if only I can find the Murder She Wrote and Butterscotch Hard Candy fanpages...

So...

we traded in the Grand Prix and got a Murano. Not the point of the story. The salesman was looking at my car, trying to put the info down on the trade-in sheet and asks the following:

Salesman: The Grand Prix is green, right?
Brent: Yes
Salesman: I thought so. I couldn't really tell though. I was rubbing all the dirt and grime and...
Brent: Yeah, I'm a little behind on washing it
Salesman: and salt, and sludge, and mung...
Brent: Wow
Salesman: and bits of panther, and crap, and blech...
Brent: You done yet?
Salesman: and burnt hair and hurl off of it. I just wanted to make sure that that dirty pile out there actually is green.
Brent: Yep. Forest green, I believe.
Salesman: Excellent!

And so on. Regardless, we got an awesome deal on the trade-in. We got $1,455 over the Edmunds.com True Market Value for a trade-in. We almost got what's listed as the dealer retail. Zowie!

So, I'm being recruited...

I look in my e-mail today and what do I have? The following e-mail:




Looks like they want me to come and design old school Super Nintendo (or SNES, as they say in the "biz") games for them, judging by the controller. I'd be lying if I said that I was not intrigued...

Gross

So, all night last night, I could hear the wind. It was very strong. And I knew it was supposed to be cold out today. Cold and wind...not a good combo. So, a quick look at weather.com and I get this...

The HIGH is negative 6. HIGH!! Ahhhh...barf...

The Grand Prix has had it...

It's a sad day...Alison and I have decided to get rid of the Grand Prix. I know, I know. It's a great car, why would you get rid of it, you ask. Well, mostly, it involves it's ability to stall when you start moving...sometimes. So, you never know if it's going to stall or not. Which is fun. It's like a game. A lame game, like parcheesi, but a game nonetheless.

So, we're looking for a new used car. And we're split on what to get. Alison wants a Pacifica but I feel it looks too much like a station wagon, except it doesn't have the sweet rear-facing seat. I want an Endeavor, but the one we were going to test drive sold in between when I set up the appointment and yesterday morning.

So, moral of the story is, does anyone know how to install a rear-facing seat in a Pacifica?

TiVo reflex...

I was watching Burn Notice on DVD the other day, when the strangest thing happened...

Since it's a TV show, it got to the point where it would be a commercial and...I grabbed the remote to fast forward through the commercial. But, since it's a DVD, it doesn't have a commercial. But my reflex is to grab the remote and fast forward anyway.

And it happened every time, even though I knew it wasn't TiVo.

Man...TiVo has me so conditioned...I'll do anything he says. Anything!

And I have a closet full of Bounty to prove it!

Facebook listens to me...

I just saw the new ad on Facebook (here's my blog about the old one)...

Apparently Micheal Scott was wrong...you can't call people retarded...

And I need to make sure I use my blog for good and not evil, since I, personally, can control the advertising of a huge company such as Facebook...

Special occasion?

Due to unforeseen weather, Alison and I had to eat dinner at the Macaroni Grill on Friday. I know, I know...not the best place in the world, but at least it's not Olive Garden.

Anyway, here's the conversation we had with our waitress to get us started. Everything went downhill from here...

Waitress: Hi, welcome to the Macaroni Grill!
Alison: Thanks.
Waitress: Are you guys out celebrating a special occasion tonight?
Brent (looks sideways at Alison with a "can you believe this?" look)
Brent: Ummm...no. We're at...the Macaroni Grill.
Waitress: Oh, I see. So, just out for a nice evening out?
Brent: Ummm...no. We're at...the (shudders)...Macaroni Grill.

EW be STEALIN!

OK, so, I wrote my According to Jim blog a couple days ago. Then, I go and start reading Entertainment Weekly and I see the following:



Now it's not only Family Guy and How I Met Your Mother that are stealing from me. Even the print media is. Get outta my brain Gorblar!

New Mug, courtesy of Sikes

So, apparently, Mr. Sikes has tons of time on his hands and he's been sending me different ideas for Christmas presents for people. There was the "Beard Cap" as you can see to the right, from the Scandinavian Grace store.

As you can imagine, a treasure like this is not cheap, but this one is $135.00. I have to assume that's in Scandi's (which are the Scandinavian equivalent of Schrute Bucks). Anyway, unless that thing is made of Lion's heart and flaked with gold, I ain't buying it.

But the one that he sent that really caught my eye is the the coffee cup with Brass Knuckles as the handle, that you can see on the left. I mean, who wouldn't want this?

But I believe it can be improved upon, or at least have a full collection that people can buy and use to creep out houseguests (assuming they ever have houseguests; I do not).

So, let's explore the studio space with this a bit and think of what else we can use on mugs. Here are three ideas:

A) Put a loaded gun as the handle, so people know you mean business
2) Put some nun chucks as the handle, because ninjas are fascinating and a conversation starter
D) Have them drink out of a cannon

I'm quite positive all of my ideas will sell as well as that $98.00 Brass Knuckle mug. Now, if we can only find operating room outside of the Dickie division of FFS, I'll be set...

Can you even say this anymore?

So, I'm playing Word Twist (I use playing loosely...James has been destroying me...I don't even know why I play him anymore...) and I see the following "ad" on the top:

Are you even allowed to call people retarded anymore?

I guess we'll have to go to the expert, Michael Scott:

You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they are acting retarded.

I stand corrected. Carry on Facebook!

Prepare to be SHOCKED!!

OK, so I was going through the TV guide (not TV Guide...the guide, through TiVo on my TV...don't get it twisted), trying to see if there were any shows on that I wanted to record.

So, I'm looking at 8 pm on Tuesday and I see The Mentalist is on (already recording it) and then I see that According to Jim is on at 8 pm too.

I thought that was weird. Why are they showing old re-runs of According to Jim in primetime. So, I clicked on it for more information. And it's a NEW EPISODE!!

This blows my mind!!! Did anyone know this? They're making NEW episodes of According to Jim? I thought that show went off the air three years ago. Did they pull a Family Guy and resurrect it? Does anyone watch it? This is astounding to me.

So, I had to take the time to look up the Nielsen Ratings for According to Jim, since I don't believe anyone watches it. Now, this is a difficult task. I'll have to believe Wikipedia when they say last season, it was the #143 ranked show. Which seems about right, since CAVEMEN was the #107 ranked show for that time.

CAVEMEN!! You're worse than Cavemen and still on TV. I hate you TV execs...

Ugly Sweater...

So, Dan and Melinda are having their traditional "Ugly Sweater Christmas Party" in a couple of weeks and I've been scouring the internet (did you know they're putting the internet on computers now?), trying to find the ugliest (and cheapest...lest you forget who I am) sweaters to wear.

I have now found and bought one for Alison and one for me. They're both bad, but I think mine is worse. I don't want to spoil the surprise for anyone who will be attending the party and who also reads this blog (Devo) but I have two words for all the rest of you: shoulder pads.

Think about it. Think about it.

Parakeeting...

So, Kallie (one of our cats) is super annoying almost all the time. She walks around, making weird cat noises and generally making me want to destroy her.

But I have found a way to solve this problem. When she's being super annoying, I just parakeet her, which means I take a blanket and drop it on top of her so she thinks it's night. Next thing you know, she shuts up and rests.

I know this shouldn't work since cats are "supposed" to sleep about 20 hours a day and it might just be a coincidence. However, since I believe it works...it does.

They got me...

So, about a year ago, Alison and I started using the Scrubbing Bubbles Automatic Shower cleaner to clean the shower. It's a decent product for someone too lazy to use a squirt bottle and spray the shower down.

Well, now I'm hooked on it. And, the big issue is, it's very temperamental. It works about half the time. Sometimes. I've tried changing batteries, letting it dry out, reading it soothing poetry; nothing works.

Now, I probably have to buy a new one. I realize it's only 15 dollars, but it's still 15 dollars. So, which is going to win out? My cheapness or my laziness?

Mmhh?

Answer...BOTH! I'm just going to wait for a coupon and then buy it. The best of both worlds! I am so smrt...S-M-R-T...I mean S-M-A-R-T.

Idiots...

So, every time I go to Green Mill, I bring the following coupon that I print off the web:

Notice on there it says : No Photocopies please


Wow. Wow.

You've done me wrong TiVo...

So, I'm looking at TiVo and it has this ad that is for "Fun Thanksgiving Activities". I decide to click on it and see if there's anything that would be fun for Alison's class. And I get this:

I know of NO kid, not one, not ever, who would think a "Fun Thanksgiving Activity" is getting a $1 coupon and buying Bounty.

Not one...not ever...

The Ham spot...

Now, I went to order The Ham (yes, ham is capitalized in the first place, because it's a proper noun, but it's not in the explanation...don't front) from the ham spot (get your mind out of the gutter Petredis (you may or may not notice that dedicated followers of the blog can identify themselves as followers now to the right and are much more likely to be mentioned in said blog)) and they had this message:

I'm sorry, C&G Ham and deli is no longer in business. Thank you for your years of service.

Dang it! I order a ham once a year...maybe. And this is the place I go. It's the Ham Spot. Now I have to go find a new freakin' place to order my ham from. And I'm going to go in blind. I have no idea what kind of ham I will be getting and it could not be moist enough (shut up Sikes), which would ruin the holiday.

Man...I just can't imagine a place going out of business that sells stuff three days a year. I'm shocked.

Whelp...off to the magnet store...

Faty?

So, Sikes sends me an e-mail about the AdSense ad I had. I clicked on it to see what he was talking about.

Now, a couple of things strike me as odd with this ad (that they're driving people towards). They both involve the same item, since I couldn't get past there. This is the item (or the "before" picture):

1) I went to save the picture and the name of the picture that they had it saved as is "Faty". That's awesome. I mean, it would have been cooler had they spelled Fatty correctly, but it's nice that they label the picture with what they believe it represents: a large chick who can't spell or Al Gore.

2) Don't act like you don't save your old shoe laces to tie your jeans together when they don't quite fit anymore. You're not fooling anyone liar...

Only $10.99??

So, apparently I'm an idiot. Or idiota, as they say in Spanish. Or maybe that's Spanish for a female idiot. Whatever. I'm easily tricked.

We were out driving and we went by a Space Aliens restaurant (and, amazingly, were not pulled in by their tractor beams) and I noticed their billboard out front.

"All you can eat rib dinner, ONLY $10.99, every Wednesday"

Which got me to thinking, couldn't you just put "only" in front of any price and it makes it seem cheap? I have no idea how much an all you can eat rib dinner should cost, but it seems to me that "only $10.99" is a steal.

However, they could have said "only $17.99" and I would have thought that was a good deal.

Why don't people do this for everything?

BRAND NEW FORD RANGER, ONLY $48,000!!!!!
BATTERIES, ONLY $12.00 FOR 3!!!!!
FOAM MESH TRUCKER HATS, ONLY $370.00!!!!!!!!

I figured adding the exclamation points was quite dashing. And makes it seem like even a better deal than having the only. Man, I'm like a marketing genius...or geniusa, as they'd say in Spanish...

She doesn't even know me...

So, I'm checking my e-mail and this ad pops up...

Hey, creepster, your fly-by-night credit card is of no interest to me. I would rather use a Discover card than your credit card. I would rather eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken than ever, ever apply for your credit card...

No pictures...

If you've come to my blog expecting a daily picture that I make fun of, well, today, you've come to the wrong place. I have no picture. Alas, I have no gripe either. Pretty much, I'm like the Bengals; I got nothin'.

So, in my quest to sell all my old CD's (which is going quite well), I had my first one returned the other day. Which isn't that strange; idiots can give wrong addresses, etc.

However, this one was stamped "Contraband". Which is strange, since it was just a CD. However, one of the options besides contraband was "paroled".

So...apparently...I was sending the CD to a prison and the CD is something that's not allowed (though I was unaware that they had a CD playing device there), possibly because I would have put a sharpened toothbrush or shiv into the package (I know...I know...why would I sharpen a toothbrush? That's what they have to resort to in prison. But I'm on the "outside" so I could have just sent a knife. But that's neither here nor there...that's not how my mind works).

So, now I have to figure out what to do with this "The Firm" (with Nas Escobar and Foxy Brown) CD since Prisoner 405538 can't accept it. Nice that he had a valid credit card to pay for it though.
Oh, I lied about the picture. I'm such a scamp!

Again...gross...

That, right there, is an insult to people who are hairy. The ad needs to read more like this...

Josh Childress has GROSS teeth!

Maybe you can use some of that $20,000,000 for some experimental gum-reducing surgery? Hmmm? Hmmm?

KMart layaway?

Man, I know where I'm shopping this holiday season!

Maybe UPS?

I'm a frakkin' VIP!!!

So, I go out to the newly installed security mailboxes (thank you, thank you) and I see the following envelope sitting on type (address blocked out to ease my fears of paparazzo related stalking):


Can you believe it? Macy's wants only ME (or any hobo who finds this envelope in the garbage) to come to their PRIVATE (i.e. open to anyone) SALE!!!

I am faaaaahhhh-loating!!!

So...this looks gross...

Apparently Chuck E. Cheese is trying to make itself a lunchtime destination (you know...corral the whole office up and get them to Chuck E. Cheese!), but then they go and show a sandwich that looks like this!

Everyone knows food looks better in ads than it does when you actually get it so can you imagine what that sandwich would look like? I mean, it looks like some "chicken" sticks (I know there's no such thing, but those look a breeding between "chicken" and carrot sticks), cheesish substance (which is probably delicious), a sourdough looking bun and leftover fixins from yesterdays salad bar. You mean it's only $5.99 for that crap? Where do I sign up?

I don't even think Randi would eat that!

I didn't know...

that a dog could look embarrassed. I guess I was wrong...

Man. That sucks.

Apparently...

I'm about the most uncreative person in the world.

Our neighbors did a pumpkin similar to this one:


And I thought it was original and something people hadn't done before. Then, I go looking on the internet and apparently millions of people have thought of that before. I'd bet that gag has been around longer than I have.

How have I never seen it before? Seriously! It's almost like I'm living under a log.

On an unrelated note, I hear Mickey Rourke has a new movie coming out. Can't wait to see that! He was so good in Diner...

So....

that f'in voodoo curse didn't work at all damn it. I hope Brazdolph had her way with that guy. I really do.

Man, I suck at fantasy football anymore...

Voodoo curse...

So, I'm doing terrible at fantasy football this season. Awful. Now, stupid LJ has gotten himself benched and Jonathan Stewart is on a bye. So, I'm going to have to start Antonio Pittman (back-up to Steven Jackson) and Derrick Ward (back-up to Brandon Jacobs) at RB.

But both of them have been a little banged up and it looks like Jackson might miss some time. So, I wanted to help them out.

I googled "voodoo curse chant" to see if I could easily come up with a voodoo curse to put on Steven Jackson and Brandon Jacobs that is not time consuming, using a minimum of cauldrons and, most importantly, is effective.

So, it took me to Spells4Free to cast a spell on someone.

I got there and looked at the list of items needed to cast a spell on someone:

Cloth
Mud
Sticks
Pins
Incense sticks
Black candles
Black kohl
An object belonging to the person in question

Damn it! I just got rid of my Steven Jackson authentic jock strap and I'm plumb out of black kohl (I only have white kohl left...and that's not racist...that's a fact).

So, I looked around the site to try to find something easier and I came across an item where the guy will cast a spell free...just for me. Then, I read the fine print:

"I will cast a powerful spell for the situation you need help with. Free of charge. This is not a joke! I have digged deep into my books of shadows to cast free spells to help you with your situation! A powerful spell, that would cost from 100 US-Dollars, if purchased from any other spells caster. Use it and solve your problems within 5 weeks! Now I will give you this for free when you sign up for my newsletter!"

5 Weeks? Damn it! And I don't want to go to any other spells caster, because I don't have 100 US-Dollars (I believe in the peso).

Screw it. Maybe I can get this loser and his 2-liter of Diet Squirt to put a curse on Steven Jackson and Brandon Jacobs...

Terrible company name...

Hate to tell you "terrible idea for a company name" (aka Fingerbiinger) there is no way someone looks at your name and doesn't think it says "Fingerbanger".

I'm sorry to break it to you.

The good news is, you might be able to get these guys to promote your company...

I know you've been waiting!

Guess what got released yesterday? That's right...the first season of Sister, Sister!!

I know Sikes stood in line to get his copy, but I'm waiting for them to come out with the six season box set before I spend my money on it...

So, I'm reading...

this story on CNN.com, called Biggest danger for hunters? Heart attack, not stray bullet. Yeah. So, anyway, I get into the article a bit and out comes this quote...

----------------------------------
The biggest danger that some hunters face isn't getting hit by a stray bullet or falling out of a tree stand, Good said. It's heart disease.
----------------------------------

I bolded that part, because isn't that a little vague? I mean, the whole point of the article is that hunters are in danger of heart attacks. At least you'd think so. Apparently, just some. Couldn't the same thing be said about getting hit by cars? Or abducted from a mall? This is ridiculous.

Tomorrow...on CNN.com...the biggest danger for some hunters? HOT AIR BALLONS!!

*NOTE: Yes, I had to photoshop that hot air balloon in. Yes, it took me way too long. Yes, you should judge me.

I went with...

VANILLA ICE!

Pick the name!!

OK, in my SIM football league, I'm just finishing up on recruiting. This season, I recruited a RB that has the same name of a RB already on my team. Therefore, What If Sports let's me switch the name of the newer guy to avoid confusion.

This is a big, big task. And I'm looking for help. So, let me know if you can think of a cool name I can use.

Here are some ideas that have been floated out:

Jeff Ketcham
Mister Doctorcoolbot
Milli Vanilli
Vanilla Ice
KiJana Carter
Lawrence Phillips
Maurice Clarett
I.M. Hipp

Lowe's self-checkout

So, I'm at Lowe's (I know...I know...but I seriously was. You can ask AMEX), buying some manly things (like flat-top stove cleaner) and I went through the self-checkout.

Well, I'd swiped my card and then the machine says, "Please verify last 4 digits of your credit card."

I'd already put my card away. What is the point of this? To prove you can read? Is this some sort of theft deterrent?

I mean, is someone with a stolen credit card going to see that question and start looking around, all paranoid? They'll start sweating and then have a breakdown right there in the store? Then admit to numerous petty thefts, including stealing trail mix at Cub?

If you've got a stolen credit card and you freak out at this question, you might want to look into a new line of work. Thievery is not going to suit you...

Tired of crappy advertising?

Isn't this just like putting identical billboards right on top of eachother?

Hmmmm....I wasn't interested at first, but I LOVE repetition...

Good news old people!

Apparently, there's a new hat out there that warns people that you require a senior discount (whether they're offered or not):

And if THAT doesn't make them smile, you can always pair it with the new t-shirt I've decided to market in conjunction with this hat:

You'll be the belle of the ball!!

13k a month!!

So, we're sitting at the corner of 494 and Bass Lake Rd. and see the following sign:



Sirs, your old, broken wire hanger and non-corrugated cardboard sign does not inspire confidence in this endeavor...

ESPN can't add...

So, I'm checking my fantasy football team for the week, and seeing who my "competition" is (if you can even call the Vance's team competition).

Here's the projected scores:

As you probably can't see (though it should enlarge if you click on it) my team is on the right and Vance's team is on the left. You can see the little checkmarks, showing who is going to win each match-up and a checkmark on the bottom, showing which team is going to win. They have Vance's team checked as the winner.

As you can also see, I added up the projected points and those have me winning 122-105. So which is it ESPN? Don't hide from me. I'm onto your little game.

*sidenote* I think my team will lose. I'm terrible.

*EDIT* And now Fake LJ has gotten himself suspended. What a d-bag.

Phone call...

So, I'm sitting at my computer yesterday morning, trying to figure out a way to salvage my fantasy football team, when the phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and didn't recognize the number. Typically, I screen those calls, since I don't normally talk to people, but I thought, "just go for it Brent...confront your fear!" and I picked up the phone.

Brent: Hello.
Caller: Good morning Deb.
Brent: I think you have the wrong number...Susan.
Caller: Huh? What? Oh, wrong number. Sorry.

He thought I sounded like a Deb? DEB! He got me confused with someone who I can only assume is his daughter from his second marriage (I have an active imagination).

But I showed him. Bet he's writing a similar blog now about how he called a wrong number and the guy he talked to thought his name was Susan.

Thank you James Lee...

A few months ago, I had an awesome idea for a t-shirt and I begged James to work on it for me.

http://brentanelson.blogspot.com/2008/07/new-t-shirt-i-want.html

Then today, I received the finished product as a birthday present. I must admit, I could not be happier...

And here it is, actually on a t-shirt...

More CD sales...

I know this is boring to everyone, but the story must be told.

I got home from lunch yesterday and had an e-mail from Amazon, telling me I'd made a sale. Then it said 20 items. So...one guy bought 20 of my CD's...for the following values:

Esham- Boomin' Words from Hell - $ 14.98
Kingpin Skinny Pimp - New Beginning - $ 99.98
RBL Posse's Hitman - Solo Creep - $ 89.98
11/5 - A-1 Yola - $ 39.98
Triple Beam - 28g Without the Bag - $ 7.98
San Quinn - Live 'N Direct - $ 99.98
Darkroom Familia - Veteranos - $ 8.98
Herm - Still Trying to Survive in the Ghetto - $ 7.98
Esham - Judgement Day, Vol. 2 - $ 17.98
Dre Dog - I Hate You With a Passion - $ 39.98
B.O.N.E Enterprise - Faces of Death - $ 39.98
11/5 - Fiendin 4 tha Funk - $ 99.98
San Quinn - The Hustle Continues - $ 39.98
Ill Mannered Playas - Back in the Days - $ 17.98
415 - Nu Niggaz on the Blokkk - $ 14.98
Skanless - Book of Skanless - $ 18.98
Celly Cel - Heat 4 Yo Azz - $ 49.98
Messy Marv - Messy Situationz - $ 24.98
Big Ocean Mobb 415 - Wrangler Tuff - $ 9.98
Tung Twista - Runnin' Off at Da Mouth - $ 19.98

Yep, that's right...my take home total on this order, after amazon commissions, is $673.65.

Go Bay Area rap!!

This is gross...

So, I'm scouring craigslist, looking for a mini fridge, when I come across this one:

http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/hsh/873754416.html

"Well, it came that time to start clearing out the bar area of our basement...again. Due to an increasing collection of guitar amps and exercise equipment, i found there was no room for our mini fridge. Offhand, I don't know what brand it is. Has a fake wood finish, and though i imagine it was white inside, it's yellow now. There are a few cracks in some of the trays, but it doesn't smell horrible and it does a great job of cooling things. What more do ya want for $20? Price is final, cash only, and you need to pick it up yourself."

What more do I want? Oh, I don't know...maybe something that won't give me scabbies?

Used to be white, but now is yellow? Has it been smoking? Are you serious? Doesn't smell horrible? So, it smells like what? Hurl?

I'm pretty sure this baby has already been snapped up...

Are Zubaz back?

Hmmm...I don't know, how about we ask this fella?

Guess so! And now, with 28% MORE homosexual! (not that there's anything wrong with that...though there is something wrong with being a tool, like this guy...)

For more outstanding losers, go here: http://www.zubaz.com/gallery.htm

Which "bag" would you choose...

The following was found on the side of a box of trash bags at Om's lake house...

It seems to me that Member's Mark makes a superior "unit" that will not "malfunction" when you "need it most".

Gross.

I'm a sleuth...

OK, now this is going to be difficult, since no one watches either of these shows, but this is pretty amazing.

Last season, the show Back to You was getting terrible ratings. So, 5 episodes in, they recast the part of Gracie Carr to try to save the show. However, that didn't work and it was cancelled.

This season, Gary Unmarried has started off to lukewarm reviews. After the pilot, Gary's daughter, Louise Brooks, was replaced by another actress for the rest of the episodes coming out this season.

What do these have in common? Take a look to the right.

Both Gracie Carr and Louise Brooks were initially played by Laura Marano. And both of the characters were axed early on in the shows.

What has this kid done to deserve this? Was she the reason no one watches these shows? Has she been channeling her inner-Lohan on the set and they couldn't wait to get rid of her?

There has to be some explanation here. The viewing public (of which I'm probably the only one who watched/watches both these shows) have a right to know!!

Very friendly...

So, I'm at the gas station, filling up my ride when I notice the following "help wanted" sign:

If you're the part time cashier at the gas station, what are the odds that you are "very friendly"? A million to one? I think they'd get more applicants if they had something like this:

Amish mismanagement?

So, Petredis and I were driving to the airport from Om's Amish house early on Sunday morning. Very early. 5 am early.

So, we stopped at a gas station at about 5:30. In the middle of nowhere.

And I go in there and they had TWO people working the registers. At 5:30. On a Sunday morning. In Amish country.

Just because you're not allowed to use electricity, you'd think you'd be able to figure out that the optimal amount of employees needed at that time was maybe one.

An "honesty box" to drop the payments might have sufficed...

That's it!!!

I've had it. I'm soooo not listening to old people I eavesdrop on in Target anymore.

I was going to buy some pop there when I overheard some old lady tell her older husband that they had a much better deal going on at Rainbow.

So, I stopped at Rainbow yesterday to check it out and there was no better deal going on!

Did she know I was listening and was trying to trick me? If so, kudos old lady....kudos....

Gross!!

So, Alison and I went to Wildfire the other night. She got the Filet Mignon and it was...um...not very good. Which is weird, since Wildfire is normally pretty good (though a bit overpriced in my mind).

Then, the bill came.

NOW I get it!! They've switched to Horse meat in the Filet! I didn't realize that...and didn't know it was legal! Good to know. Bring on Mr. Ed!

I've figured out...

how to tell if a sports play is just good or really good.

She's called Alison.

If I ask her if she wants to see an amazing play, she'll normally placate me. After the play, the reaction is normally, "Mmmm-hmmm".

Yesterday, I told her to watch a catch and the reaction was, "No WAY!!!"

Therefore, I know for sure that that was a really good catch.

Just noticed...

It's a ton more work to be the Recycling Guy than it is to be the Garbage Guy.

The Garbage Guy has an automated lift that picks up the trashcan and dumps it in the...um...dumper? Anyway, the Recycling Guy has to physically get out and dump each recycling bin into his trucks dumper by himself.

I bet they have similar pay though. Something to think about it you decide to go into that line of work.

Goodbye mailbox...

I think I watch too much TV...

is 7 hours a day too much? Good...didn't think so...thanks for your affirmation...

Audi music...

So, I'm surfing the Audi website (totally work related) and I'm in their FAQ and I see this:

Can I buy a CD with the music from Audi commercials?

I don't think they know what the "frequently" in "frequently asked questions" means. It does not mean questions asked one time by some weirdo trying to score with the receptionist at the corporate headquarters.

If it did, their FAQ might also include:

- What are you doing tonight?
- Excuse me, do you live around here often?
- That outfit must make a lot of noise in the dryer, huh?
- Do you know how to use a whip?

But I didn't see any of those there...

Makeup for infants?

So, Alison got this new make-up. I guess it has sunscreen in it. It's not as pretty as my makeup. Whatever. But perhaps I've said too much.

Anyway, not the point. The point is, strain your eyes and read the directions on this thing. If you can't (or don't wanna), here's what it says:

"Children under 6 months of age: ask a doctor"

Ask a doctor? Ask a doctor what? If you can make your infant look like a HO!!

Seriously, who is putting makeup on 6 month olds? This should really be a test. If you do ask your doctor about this they should legally be able to stab you. Seems fair.

*Thank you to Alison for the base idea of this blog post*

National Champs!!

So, if you know me, you know I play a lot of sim football. Well, yesterday I finally broke through and me and the Trinity Connecticut Bantams won the National Championship! I've attached the letter from the AD below (judge me all you want)

Keep it up Lohan!

So, Lindsay Lohan has decided to rip on Sarah Palin. Fantastic! Since NO ONE cares what you "think", the only good you are doing is possibly causing people to vote for her, since AMERICA HATES YOU! (I know...not a great reason to vote, but if AJ Prjhejklnasdski came out in support of McCain, I'd have to think twice).

It's like Kid Rock said:

I think celebrity endorsements hurt politicians. Because as soon as somebody comes out for a politician, especially in Hollywood, when they all go, "I'm voting for this guy!" -- I go, "That's not who I'm voting for!"

It works in the opposite direction too. Thanks Lindsay!

Aquafresh...now for Dummies...

Now, Alison and I bought this tube of toothpaste the other day, you know...for its "2x Whitening" power. Which is why I assume most people bought it. However, look in the upper left corner...

"NOW with whitening"

Now? Now with whitening? What the B was it before? It's 2x Whitening! Was it just 2x before? And it's not like they said "Now with MORE whitening". No. Just Now with Whitening. Idiots.

You can't trick people into coming to Church...

Nice try...

*thanks to Devo for the picure*

Ken Rosenthal is a POS...

Wow...Ken Rosenthal is at it again. He's dedicated yet another column to how much he doesn't like Mark McGwire. http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/8547420?MSNHPHMA

We get it. You're an idiot, but I understand you have a point of view. Do you have to write the same article on a monthly basis though? Cripes.

I hope Rosenthal gets hit in the face with a steroid...

Chrome is sassy!

So, I downloaded Google's new browser and I was trying to find some directions when there was an error and the following came up:

Don't you sass me Google, or you'll get the boot to the crotch. You think I kid? Test me. Test me Google.

So...

The Union Pen Company is trying to woo me and Standard Merit into buying our holiday pens from them. Little do they know that the odds of us purchasing holiday pens are 7...

7 in a gagillion, of course. Though the sample they sent me was quasi-nice...

Really?

So, I'm selling all my old CD's on Half.com and here's what I just sold:

59.99 for a Fat Boys CD??? AWESOME!!

Nice socks C. Webb...

Tan. Snazzy...

Worst Book Ever!!!

So, I'm walking down the aisle at Target and I see what is, without a doubt, the worst book EVER!

What kind of person, in their right mind, would buy this douchey tool's book? No one. You have to be an a-hole to listen to this guy, much less spend money on his book. Seriously...you might as well buy this at the same time as the following:

Ahhh...weight loss advice from a fat man and election advice from a moron. Can the world get any better??